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But the next day I think we had a dole of and, like a haggler, is glad to utter it again by cider, cider in bowls, in scuppets, in helmets; retailing and to conclude, if a man would have filled his Since then the place is so free in entertainboots full, there he might have had it: provant ment, allowing a stool as well to the farmer's thrust itself into poor soldiers' pockets whether son as to your templer:' that your stinkard they would or no. We made five peals of shot has the selfsame liberty to be there in his tointo the town together of nothing but spiggots bacco fumes, which your sweet courtier hath: and faucets of discarded empty barrels: every and that your carman and tinker claim as under-foot soldier had a distenanted tun, as strong a voice in their suffrage, and sit to give Diogenes had his tub to sleep in. I myself got judgment on the play's life and death, as well as many confiscated tapster's aprons as made as the proudest momus among the tribes of me a tent as big as any ordinary commander's critic: it is fit that he, whom the most tailors' in the field. But in conclusion, my well- bills do make room for, when he comes, should beloved baron of double beer got him humbly not be basely (like a viol) cased up in a corner. on his mary-bones to the king, and complained Whether therefore the gatherers of the pubhe was old and stricken in years, and had never lic or private playhouse stand to receive the an heir to cast at a dog, wherefore if it might afternoon's rent, let our gallant (having paid please his Majesty to take his lands into his it) presently advance himself up to the throne hands, and allow him some reasonable pension of the stage. I mean not into the lord's room to live, he should be marvellously well pleased: (which is now but the stage's suburbs): no, as for wars, he was weary of them; yet as long those boxes, by the iniquity of custom, conas his Highness ventured his own person, he spiracy of waiting women and gentlemen ushwould not flinch a foot, but make his withered ers, that there sweat together, and the covetousbody a buckler to bear off any blow advanced ness of sharers, are contemptibly thrust into against him.

the rear, and much new satin is there damned, The King, marvelling at this alteration of by being smothered to death in darkness. But his cider merchant (for so he often pleasantly on the very rushes where the comedy is to termed him), with a little farther talk bolted dance, yea, and under the states of Cambises out the whole complotment. Then was I himself must our feathered estridge," like a piece pitifully whipped for my holiday lie, though of ordnance, be planted, valiantly (because imthey made themselves merry with it many a pudently) beating down the mewes and hisses winter's evening after.

of the opposed rascality.

For do but cast up a reckoning, what large THOMAS DEKKER (15707-1641 ?) comings-in are pursed up by sitting on the

stage. First a conspicuous eminence is got; THE GULL'S HORNBOOK

by which means, the best and most essential CHAPTER VI

parts of a gallant (good clothes, a proportion

able leg, white hand, the Persian lock, and a How A GALLANT SHOULD BEHAVE HIMSELF IN tolerable beard) are perfectly revealed. A PLAY-HOUSE

By sitting on the stage, you have a signed The theatre is your poets' royal exchange, patent to engross the whole commodity of cenupon which their muses (that are now turned sure; may lawfully presume to be a girder; to merchants) meeting, barter away that light

and stand at the helm to steer the passage of commodity of words for a lighter ware than scenes; yet no man shall once offer to hinder words, plaudities, and the breath of the great you from obtaining the title of an insolent, beast; which (like the threatenings of two overweening coxcomb. cowards) vanish all into air. Players and their

By sitting on the stage, you may (without factors, who put away the stuff, and make the travelling for it) at the very next door ask whose best of it they possibly can (as indeed 'tis their play it is: and, by that quest of inquiry, the parts so to do), your gallant, your courtier, law warrants you to avoid much mistaking: if and your captain, had wont to be the soundest you know not the author, you may rail against paymasters; and I think are still the surest him: and peradventure so behave yourself, chapmen; and these, by means that their heads that you may enforce the author to know you. are well stocked, deal upon this comical freight by the gross: when your groundling, and gal- Ta resident of one of the inns of court

2 door lery-commoner buys his sport by the penny, keepers 8 canopy

* ostrich


By sitting on the stage, if you be a knight, full

, your apparel is quite eaten up, the fashion you may happily get you a mistress: if a mere lost, and the proportion of your body in more Fleet-street gentleman, a wife: but assure danger to be devoured than if it were served yourself, by continual residence, you are the up in the counter amongst the poultry: avoid first and principal man in election to begin that as you would the bastome. It shall crown the number of We Three.?

you with rich commendation to laugh aloud By spreading your body on the stage, and in the midst of the most serious and saddest by being a justice in examining of plays, you scene of the terriblest tragedy: and to let that shall put yourself into such true scenical au- clapper (your tongue) be tossed so high, that thority, that some poet shall not dare to present all the house may ring of it: your lords use it; his muse rudely upon your eyes, without hav- your knights are apes to the lords, and do so ing first unmasked her, rifled her, and dis- too: your in-a-court-man is zany to the knights, covered all her bare and most mystical parts and (marry very scurvily) comes likewise limpbefore you at a tavern, when you most knightlying after it: be thou a beagle to them all, and shall, for his pains, pay for both their sup- never lin: snuffing, till you have scented them: pers.

for by talking and laughing (like a ploughman By sitting on the stage, you may (with small in a morris) you heap Pelion upon Ossa, glory cost) purchase the dear acquaintance of the upon glory: as first, all the eyes in the galleries boys: have a good stool for sixpence: at any will leave walking after the players, and only time know what particular part any of the in- follow you: the simplest dolt in the house fants present: get your match lighted, examine snatches up your name, and when he meets the play-suits' lace, and perhaps win wagers you in the streets, or that you fall into his. upon laying 'tis copper, etc. And to conclude, hands in the middle of a watch, his word shall whether you be a fool or a justice of peace, a be taken for you: he'll cry “He's such a galcuckold, or a captain, a lord-mayor's son, or lant,” and you pass. Secondly, you publish a dawcock, a knave, or an under-sheriff; of your temperance to the world, in that you seem what stamp soever you be, current, or counter- not to resort thither to taste vain pleasures feit, the stage, like time, will bring you to most with a hungry appetite: but only as a gentleperfect light and lay you open: neither are you man to spend a foolish hour or two, because to be hunted from thence, though the scare- you can do nothing else: thirdly, you mightily crows in the yard hoot at you, hiss at you, spit disrelish the audience, and disgrace the author: at you, yea, throw dirt even in your teeth: 'tis marry, you take up (though it be at the worst most gentlemanlike patience to endure all this, hand) a strong opinion of your own judgment, and to laugh at the silly animals: but if the and enforce the poet to take pity of your weakrabble, with a full throat, cry, “Away with the ness, and, by some dedicated sonnet, to bring fool," you were worse than a madman to tarry you into a better paradise, only to stop your by it: for the gentleman and the fool should mouth. never sit on the stage together.

If you can (either for love or money), provide Marry, let this observation go hand in hand yourself a lodging by the water side: for, with the rest: or rather, like a country serv- above the convenience it brings to shun shouling-man, some five yards before them. Pre- der-clapping,' and to ship away your cockasent not yourself on the stage (especially at a trice betimes in the morning, it adds a kind of new play) until the quaking prologue hath (by state unto you, to be carried from thence to the rubbing) got colour into his cheeks, and is stairs of your play-house: hate a sculler (reready to give the trumpets their cue, that he's member that) worse than to be acquainted upon point to enter: for then it is time, as with one o'th' scullery. No, your oars are though you were one of the properties, or that your only sea-crabs, board them, and take heed you dropped out of the hangings, to creep from you never go twice together with one pair: behind the arras, with your tripos or three- often shifting is a great credit to gentlemen; footed stool in one hand, and a teston mounted and that dividing of your fare will make the between a forefinger and a thumb in the other: poor watersnakes be ready to pull you in pieces for if you should bestow your person upon the to enjoy your custom: no matter whether upon vulgar, when the belly of the house is but half landing, you have money or no: you may swim

in twenty of their boats over the river upon "haply, by chance ? A jest that still survives, a picture of two fools or asses with this inscription.

* by a constable

1 cudgel

2 ape




ticket: marry, when silver comes in, remember stage, when the haberdasher swore to you the to pay treble their fare, and it will make your impression was extant but that morning. flounder-catchers to send more thanks after To conclude, hoard up the finest play-scraps you, when you do not draw, than when you you can get, upon which your lean wit may do; for they know, it will be their own another most savourly feed, for want of other stuff, when day.

the Arcadian and Euphuised gentlewomen have Before the play begins, fall to cards: you their tongues sharpened to set upon you: that may win or lose (as fencers do in a prize) and quality (next to your shuttlecock) is the only beat one another by confederacy, yet share the furniture to a courtier that's but a new beginner, money when you meet at supper: notwith- and is but in his A B C of compliment. The standing, to gull the ragamuffins that stand next places that are filled, after the playhouses aloof gaping at you, throw the cards (having be emptied, are (or ought to be) taverns: into first torn four or five of them) round about the a tavern then let us next march, where the stage, just upon the third sound,' as though brains of one hogshead must be beaten out to you had lost: it skills not if the four knaves make up another. lie on their backs, and outface the audience; there's none such fools as dare take exceptions

CHAPTER VII at them, because, ere the play go off, better knaves than they will fall into the company.

HOW A GALLANT SHOULD BEHAVE HIMSELF IN Now, sir, if the writer be a fellow that hath

A TAVERN either epigrammed you, or hath had a flirt at your mistress, or hath brought either your Whosoever desires to be a man of good reckfeather, or your red beard, or your little legs, oning in the city, and (like your French lord) etc., on the stage, you shall disgrace him worse

to have as many tables furnished as lackeys than by tossing him in a blanket, or giving him

(who, when they keep least, keep none), the bastinado in a tavern, if, in the middle of whether he be a young quat of the first year's his play (be it pastoral or comedy, moral or

revenue, or some austere and sullen-faced tragedy), you rise with a screwed and dis

steward, who in despite of a great beard, a contented face from your stool to be gone: no satin suit, and a chain of gold wrapped in cymatter whether the scenes be good or no; the

press) proclaims himself to any (but to those better they are the worse do you distaste them: to whom his lord owes money) for a rank coxand, being on your feet, sneak not away like a comb, or whether he be a country gentleman, coward, but salute all your gentle acquaintance, that brings his wife up to learn the fashion, see that are spread either on the rushes, or on the tombs at Westminster, the lions in the stools about you, and draw what troop you can Tower, or to take physic; or else is some young from the stage after you: the mimics are be

farmer, who many times makes his wife (in the holden to you, for allowing them elbow room:

country) believe he hath suits in law, because their poet cries, perhaps, “ a pox go with you,

he will come up to his lechery: be he of what but care not for that, there's no music without

stamp he will that hath money in his purse, and frets.

a good conscience to spend it, my counsel is Marry, if either the company, or indisposi- that he take his continual diet at a tavern, tion of the weather bind you to sit it out, my which (out of question) is the only rendez-vous counsel is then that you turn plain ape, take of boon company; and the drawers? the most up a rush, and tickle the earnest ears of your nimble, the most bold, and most sudden profellow gallants, to make other fools fall a-laugh

claimers of your largest bounty. ing: mew at passionate speeches, blare at

Having therefore thrust yourself into a case 3 merry, find fault with the music, whew at the

most in fashion (how coarse soever the stuff be, children's action, whistle at the songs: and

'tis no matter so it hold fashion), your office is above all, curse the sharers, that whereas the

(if you mean to do your judgment right) to same day you had bestowed forty shillings inquire out those taverns which are best cuson an embroidered felt and feather (Scotch

tomed, whose masters are oftenest drunk (for fashion) for your mistress in the court, or your

that confirms their taste, and that they choose punk in the city, within two hours after, you wholesome wines), and such as stand furthest encounter with the very same block ? on the

from the counters; where, landing yourself

li.e. for the play to begin


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and your followers, your first compliment shall his own element of drink, or more properly in
be to grow most inwardly acquainted with the his own mist language.
drawers, to learn their names, as Jack, and Your discourse at the table must be such as
Will, and Tom, to dive into their inclinations, that which you utter at your ordinary: your
as whether this fellow useth to the fencing behaviour the same, but somewhat more care-
school, this to the dancing school; whether less: for where your expense is great, let your
that young conjurer (in hogsheads) at midnight modesty be less: and, though you should be
keeps a gelding now and then to visit his cocka- mad in a tavern, the largeness of the items will
trice, or whether he love dogs, or be addicted bear with your incivility: you may, without
to any other eminent and citizen-like quality: prick to your conscience, set the want of your
and protest yourself to be extremely in love, wit against the superfluity and sauciness of
and that you spend much money in a year, upon

their reckonings.
any one of those exercises which you perceive If you desire not to be haunted with fiddlers
is followed by them. The use which you shall (who by the statute have as much liberty as
make of this familiarity is this: if you want rogues to travel into any place, having the pass-
money five or six days together, you may still port of the house about them) bring then no
pay the reckoning with this most gentlemanlike women along with you: but if you love the
language, “Boy, fetch me money from the bar,” company of all the drawers, never sup without
and keep yourself most providently from a hun- your cockatrice: for, having her there, you
gry melancholy in your chamber. Besides, you shall be sure of most officious attendance. In-
shall be sure (if there be but one faucet that can quire what gallants sup in the next room, and
betray neat wine to the bar) to have that ar- if they be any of your acquaintance, do not
raigned before you, sooner than a better and you (after the city fashion) send them in a pottle
worthier person.

of wine, and your name, sweetened in two The first question you are to make (after pitiful papers of sugar, with some filthy apolthe discharging of your pocket of tobacco and ogy crammed into the mouth of a drawer; but pipes, and the household stuff thereto belong- rather keep a boy in fee, who underhand shall ing) shall be for an inventory of the kitchen: proclaim you in every room, what a gallant for it were more than most tailor-like, and to fellow you are, how much you spend yearly in be suspected you were in league with some taverns, what a great gamester, what custom kitchen-wench, to descend yourself, to offend you bring to the house, in what witty discourse your stomach with the sight of the larder, and you maintain a table, what gentlewomen or happily 'to grease your accoutrements. Hav- citizens' wives you can with a wet finger' have ing therefore received this bill, you shall (like at any time to sup with you, and such like. By a captain putting up dear pays) have many which encomiastics of his, they that know you salads stand on your table, as it were for blanks shall admire you, and think themselves to be to the other more serviceable dishes: and ac- brought into a paradise but to be meanly in cording to the time of the year, vary your fare, your acquaintance; and if any of your enas capon is a stirring meat sometime, oysters deared friends be in the house, and beat the are a swelling meat sometimes, trout a tickling same ivy bush? that yourself does, you may join meat sometimes, green goose and woodcock a companies and be drunk together most publicly. delicate meat sometimes, especially in a tav- But in such a deluge of drink, take heed that ern, where you shall sit in as great state as a no man counterfeit himself drunk, to free his church-warden amongst his poor parishioners, purse from the danger of the shot: 3 'tis a usual at Pentecost or Christmas.

thing now among gentlemen; it had wont be For your drink, let not your physician con- the quality of cockneys: I would advise you to fine you to any one particular liquor: for as it leave so much brains in your head as to preis requisite that a gentleman should not always vent this. When the terrible reckoning (like be plodding in one art, but rather be a general an indictment) bids you hold up your hand, scholar (that is, to have a lick at all sorts of and that you must answer it at the bar, you learning, and away) so 'tis not fitting

must not abate one penny in any particular, no, should trouble his head with sucking at one though they reckon cheese to you, when you grape, but that he may be able (now there is a have neither eaten any, nor could ever abide it, general peace) to drink any stranger drunk in raw or toasted: but cast your eye only upon


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the totalis,' and no further; for to traverse the bill would betray you to be acquainted with the rates of the market, nay more, it would make the vintners believe you were pater familias, and kept a house; which, I assure you, is not now in fashion.

If you fall to dice after supper, let the drawers be as familiar with you as your barber, and venture their silver amongst you; no matter where they had it: you are to cherish the unthriftiness of such young tame pigeons, if you be a right gentleman: for when two are yoked together by the purse strings, and draw the chariot of Madam Prodigality, when one faints in the way and slips his horns, let the other rejoice and laugh at him.

At your departure forth the house, to kiss mine hostess over the bar, or to accept of the courtesy of the cellar when 'tis offered you by the drawers, and you must know that kindness never creeps upon them, but when they see you almost cleit to the shoulders, or to bid any of the vintners good night, is as commendable, as for a barber after trimming to lave your face with sweet water.

To conclude, count it an honour, either to invite or be invited to any rifling: for commonly, though you find much satin there, yet you shall likewise find many citizens' sons, and heirs, and younger brothers there, who smell out such feasts more greedily than tailors hunt upon Sundays after weddings. And let any hook draw you either to a fencer's supper, or to a player's that acts such a part for a wager; for by this means you shall get experience, by being guilty to their abominable shaving.

lofty voice, because your men have used you so like a rascal in not waiting upon you, and vow the next morning to pull their blue cases' over their ears, though, if your chamber were well searched, you give only sixpence a week to some old woman to make your bed, and that she is all the serving-creatures you give wages to. If you smell a watch (and that you may easily do, for commonly they eat onions to keep them in sleeping, which they account a medicine against cold) or, if you come within danger of their brown bills, let him that is your candlestick, and holds up your torch from dropping (for to march after a link is shoemaker-like), let Ignis Fatuus, I say, being within the reach of the constable's staff, ask aloud, “Sir Giles,” or “Sir Abram, will you turn this way, or down that street?” It skills not, though there be none dubbed in your bunch; the watch will wink at you, only for the love they bear to arms and knighthood: marry, if the sentinel and his court of guard stand strictly upon his martial law and cry “Stand," commanding you to give the word, and to show reason why your ghost walks so late, do it in some jest (for that will show you have a desperate wit, and perhaps make him and his halberdiers afraid to lay foul hands upon you) or, if you read a mittimus ? in the constable's book, counterfeit to be a Frenchman, a Dutchman, or any other nation whose country is in peace with your own; and you may pass the pikes: for being not able to understand you, they cannot by the customs of the city take your examination, and so by consequence they have nothing to say to you.

All the way as you pass (especially being approached near some of the gates) talk of none but lords, and such ladies with whom you have played at primero, or danced in the presence the very same day. It is a chance to lock up the lips of an inquisitive bell-man: and being arrived at your lodging door, which I would counsel you to choose in some rich citizen's house, salute at parting no man but by the name of Sir (as though you had supped with knights) albeit you had none in your company

Perinado, or your ingle.' Happily it will be blown abroad, that you and your shoal of gallants swum through such an ocean of wine, that you danced so much money out at heels, and that in wild fowl there flew away thus much: and I assure you, to have the bill of your reckoning lost of purpose,



NIGHT, AND HOW TO PASS BY ANY WATCH After the sound of pottle-pots is out of your ears, and that the spirit of wine and tobacco walks in your brain, the tavern door being shut upon your back, cast about to pass through the widest and goodliest streets in the city. And if your means cannot reach to the keeping of a boy, hire one of the drawers, to be as a lanthorne unto your feet, and to light you home: and, still' as you approach near any nightwalker that is up as late as yourself curse and swear (like one that speaks High Dutch) in a


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