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Miss: Ay, and hang him that has one too many. - Well, but I don't like such jesting. *
Neverout. O, miss, I have heard a sad story of you.
Miss. I defy you, Mr Neverout; nobody can say black's my eye.
Nererout. I believe you wish they could.
Miss. Well, but who was your author? Come, tell truth and shame the devil.
Neverout. Come then, miss ; guess who it was that told me? come, put on your considering cap.
Miss. Well, who was it?
Nererout. Why, one that lives within a mile of an oak.
Miss. Well, go hang yourself in your own garters, for I'm sure the gallows groans for you.
Neverout. Bite, miss! t I was but in jest.
Miss. Well, but don't let that stick in your gizzard.
Col. My lord, does your lordship know Mrs Talkall ?
Ld. Sparkish. Only by sight; but I hear she has a great deal of wit; and, egad, as the saying is, mettle to the back.
Lady Smart. So I hear.
Col. Why, Dick Lubber said to her t’other day, Madam, you can't cry bo to a goose : yes, but I ·can, said she; and egad, cry'd bo full in his face. We all thought we should break our hearts with aughing.
Ld. Sparkish. That was cutting with a vengeance : And, prithee, how did the fool look ?
* From the first edition. + A cant phrase of the time. Lat:er editions read, Pretty, miss.
Col. Look! egad, he look'd for all the world like an owl in an ivy-bush.
Miss. Well, if that child was mine, I'd whip it till the blood came; peace, you little vixen! if I were near you, I would not be far from you.
Lady Smart. Ay, ay! bachelors' wives and maids' children are finely tutor’d.
Lady Answe. Come to me, master; and I'll give you a sugar-plum. Why, miss, you forget that ever you was a child yourself. [She gives the child a lump of sugar.] I have heard 'em say, boys will long.
Col. My lord, I suppose you know that Mr Buzzard has married again.
Lady Smart. This is his fourth wife; then he has been shod round. .
Col. Why, you must know she had a month's mind to Dick Frontless, and thought to run away with him; but her parents forced her to take the old fellow for a good settlement.
Ld. Sparkish. So the man got his mare again.
Lady Smart. I'm told he said a very good thing to Dick; said he, You think us old fellows are fools ; but we old fellows know young fellows are fools.
Col. I know nothing of that; but I know he's devilish old, and she's very young.
Lady Answ. Why, they call that a match of the world's making. · Miss. What if he had been young and she old ?
Neverout. Why, miss, that would have been a
match of the devil's making ; but when both are young, that's a match of God's making. *
Miss, searching her pocket for a thimble, brings out
a nutmeg. Neverout. O, miss, have a care; for if you carry a nutmeg in your pocket, you'll certainly be married to an old man.
Miss. Well, if I ever be married it shall be to an old man; they always make the best hus, bands; and it is better to be an old man's darling than a young man's warling.
Neverout. Faith, miss, if you speak as you think, I'll give you my mother for a maid.
Lady Smart rings the bell.
Footinan comes in.
Lady Smart. Harkee, you fellow; run to my Lady Match, and desire she will remember to be here at six to play at quadrille: d’ye hear, if you fall by the way, don't stay to get up again.
Footman. Madam, I don't know the house. Lady Smart. That's not for want of ignorance ;
* Such was the distinction of Elizabeth's courtiers, when they were passing criticism upon the marriage of Dr Goodwin, bishop of Bath and Wells. All united in censuring the poor bishop for various reasons, and one “ told of three sorts of marriage; of God's making, of man's making, and of the devil's making : of God's making, as when Adam and Eve, two younge folke, were coupled ; of man's making, when one is old and the other younge, as Joseph's marriage ; and of the devil's making, when two old folks marry, not for comfort, but for covetousness." Nugæ Ans tique. Lond. 1804, 8. ii. 152.
follow your nose; go, inquire among the servants.
Footman goes out, and leaves the door open. Lady Smart. Here, come back, you fellow; why did you leave the door open ? Remember, that a good servant must always come when he's called, do what he's bid, and shut the door after him. The Footman goes out again, and falls down stairs.
Lady Answ. Neck or nothing; come down, or I'll fetch you down: well, but I hope the poor fellow has not saved the hangman a labour.
Neverout. Pray, madam, smoke miss yonder, biting her lips, and playing with her fan. Miss. Who's that takes my name in vain ?
She runs up to them, and falls down. Lady Smart. What, more falling ! do you intend the frolic should go round?
Lady Answ. Why, miss, I wish you may not have broke her ladyship’s floor.
Neverout. Miss, come to me, and and I'll take you up.
Lady Sparkish. Well, but, without a jest, I hope, miss, you are not hurt.
Col. Nay, she must be hurt for certain ; for you see her head is all of a lump.
Miss. Well, remember this, colonel, when I have money, and you have none.
Lady Smart. But, colonel, when do you design to get a house, and a wife, and a fire to put her in ?
Miss. Lord ! who would be married to a soldier, and carry his knapsack ?
Neverout. O, madam : Mars and Venus, you know.
Col. ’Egad, madam, I'd marry to-morrow, if I thought I could bury my wife just when the honey-moon is over; but, they say, a woman has as many lives as a cat.
Lady Ansi. I find, the colonel thinks a dead wife under the table is the best goods in a man's house.
Lady Smart. O but, colonel, if you had a good wife, it would break your heart to part with her.
Col. Yes, madam ; for, they say, he that has lost his wife and sixpence has lost a tester.
Lady Smart. But, colonel ; they say, that every married man should believe there's but one good wife in the world, and that's his own.
Col. For all that, I doubt, a good wife must be bespoke; for there's none ready made.
Miss. I suppose, the gentleman's a womanhater; but, sir, I think you ought to remember, that you had a mother : and pray, if it had not been for a woman, where would you have been, colonel?
Col. Nay, miss, you cried whore first, when you talked of the knapsack.
Lady Answ. But I hope you won't blame the whole sex, because some are bad.
Neverout. And they say, he that hates woman, sucked a sow.
Col. O, madam ; there's no general rule without an exception."
Lady Smart. Then, why don't you marry, and settle?
Col. Egad, madam, there's nothing will settle me but a bullet.
Ld. Sparkish. Well, colonel, there's one comfort, that you need not fear a cannon-bullet.