A SECT. XI. A TALE OF A TUB. FTER fo wide a compass as I have wandered, I do now gladly overtake, and clofe in with my fubject; and fhall henceforth hold on with it an even pace to the end of my journey, except fome beautiful prospect appears within fight of my way: Whereof though at prefent I have neither warning nor expectation, yet upon fuch an accident, come when it will, I fhall beg my reader's favour and company, allowing me to conduct him through it along with myself. For in writing, it is as in travelling; if a man is in hafte to be at home, (which I acknowledge to be none of my cafe, having never fo little business as when I am there), if his horse be tired with long riding and ill ways, or be naturally a jade, I advise him clearly to make the ftraiteft and the commoneft road, be it ever fo dirty. But then furely we must own such a man to be a fcurvy companion at best: He spatters himself and his fellow amufement, and a ridicule of dark, unintelligible writers; only the words, a cujus lacrymis, &c. are, as we have faid, transcribed from Irenæus, though I know not from what part. I believe one of the author's defigns was, to fet curious men a hunting through indexes, and inquiring for books out of the common road. fellow-travellers at every ftep; all their thoughts, and wifhes, and converfation, turn entirely upon the fubject of their journey's end; and at every fplash, and plunge, and stumble, they heartily with one another at the devil. On the other fide, when a traveller and his horfe are in heart and plight; when his purse is full, and the day before him; he takes the road only where it is clean and convenient; entertains his company there as agreeably as he can: But, upon the first occafion, carries them along with him to every delightful fcene in view, whether of art, of nature, or of both; and if they chance to refuse, out of stupidity or wearinefs, let them jog on by themselves, and be d-n'd: He'll overtake them at the next town; at which arriving, he rides furiously through; the men, women, and children, run out to gaze; a hundred noisy curs run barking after him; of which if he honours the boldeft with a lash of his whip, it is rather out of sport than revenge: But should some fourer mongrel dare too near an approach, he receives a falute on the chops by an accidental stroke from the courfer's heels, (nor is any ground loft by the blow), which fends him yelping and limping home. * I now proceed to fum up the fingular adventures of my renowned Jack; the ftate of whofe difpofitions and fortunes the careful reader does, no doubt, most exactly remember, as I last parted with By thefe are meant what the author calls, the true critics, p. 284. with them in the conclufion of a former fection. Therefore his next care must be, from two of the foregoing, to extract a fcheme of notions that may beft fit his understanding for a true relish of what is to enfue. Jack had not only calculated the first revolution of his brain fo prudently, as to give rife to that empidemic fect of Æolifts, but fucceeding alfo into a new and ftrange variety of conceptions, the fruitfulness of his imagination led him into certain notions, which, although in appearance very unaccountable, were not without their myfteries and their meanings, nor wanted followers to countenance and improve them. I fhall therefore be extremely careful and exact in recounting fuch material paffages of this nature, as I have been able to collect, either from undoubted tradition, or indefatigable reading; and fhall describe them as graphically as it is poffible, and as far as notions of that height and latitude can be brought within the compass of a pen. Nor do I at all queftion, but they will furnish plenty of noble matter for fuch, whofe converting imaginations difpofe them to reduce all things into types; who can make fhadows, no thanks to the fun; and then mould them into fubftances, no thanks to philofophy; whofe peculiar talent lies in fixing tropes and allegories to the letter, and refining what is literal into figure and mystery. Jack had provided a fair copy of his father's will, ingroffed in form upon a large skin of parchment; parchment; and refolving to act the part of a most dutiful fon, he became the fondeft creature of it imaginable. For though, as I have often told the reader, it confifted wholly in certain plain, eafy directions about the management and wearing of their coats, with legacies and penalties in cafe of obedience or neglect; yet he began to entertain a fancy, that the matter was deeper and darker, and therefore must needs have a great deal more of mystery at the bottom. Gentlemen, faid he, I will prove this very fkin of parchment to be meat, drink, and cloth; to be the philofopher's ftone, and the univerfal medicine*. In consequence of which raptures, he refolved to make use of it in the most neceffary, as well as the moft paultry occafions of life. He had a way of working it into any shape he pleafed; fo that it ferved him for a night-cap when he went to bed, and for an umbrella in rainy weather. He would lap a piece of it about a fore toe; or when he had fits, burn two inches under his nofe; or if any thing lay heavy on his ftomach, scrape off, and fwallow as much of the powder as would lie on a filver penny: They were all infallible remedies. With analogy to these refinements, his common talk and conversation ran wholly in the phrase of his will; and he circumfcribed the utmoft of his eloquence * The author here lashes thofe pretenders to purity, who place fo much merit in using scripture-phrases on all occafions. + The Protestant dissenters use scripture phrafes in their serious difcourfes and compofures, more than the Church of England men. Accordingly Jack is introduced, making his common talk and converfation to run wholly in the phrase of his WILL. W. Wotton. eloquence within that compafs, not daring to let flip a fyllable without authority from thence. Once, at a strange-house, he was fuddenly taken fhort upon an urgent juncture, whereon it may not be allowed too particularly to dilate; and being not able to call to mind, with that fuddennefs the occafion required, an authentic phrase for demanding the way to the back-fide; he chofe rather, as the moft prudent courfe, to incur the the penalty in fuch cafes ufually annexed. Neither was it poffible for the united rhetoric of mankind to prevail with him to make himfelf clean again; becaufe, having confulted the will upon this emergency, he met with a paffage near the bottom (whether foifted in by the transcriber, is not known) which feemed to forbid it *. He made it a part of his religion, never to say grace to his meat +; nor could all the world perfuade him, as the common phrafe is, to eat his victuals like a Chriftian He * I cannot guess the author's meaning here, which I would be very glad to know, because it seems to be of importance. Ibid. Incurring the penalty in fuch cafes ufually annexed, wants no explanation. He would not make himself clean, because having confulted the will, (i. e. the New Testament), he met with a pafage near the bottom, i. e. in the 11th verfe of the last chapter of the Revelations, "He which is filthy, let him be filthy fill," which feemed to forbid it. Whether fcifted in by the tranfcriber, is added; because this paragraph is wanting in the Alexandrian MS. the oldest and most authentic copy of the New Teftament. Hawkef. The flovenly way of receiving the facrament among the fanatics. This is a common phrafe to exprefs eating cleanly, and is meant for an invective against that indecent manner among fome people |
