Illa oculos tentat nequicquam aperire, veterno Torpida, & horrendo vultum diftorta cachinno. Emulus hanc Jovis afpiciens, qui fictile vulgus Fecerat infelix, imitarier arte Prometheus Audet---nec flammis opus eft cœleftibus: auræ Tres Stygiæ flatus, nigræ tria pocula Lethes Mifcet, & innuptæ fufpiria longa puellæ, His adipem fuis & guttur conjungit aselli, Tenfaque cum gemitu fomnifque fequacibus ora. Sic etiam in terris Dea, quæ mortalibus ægris Ferret opem, inque hebetes dominarier apta, creata est.
Nonne vides, ut præcipiti petit oppida curfu Ruftica plebs, ftipatque forum? fublime tribunal Armigerique equitefque premunt, de more parati Juftitiæ lances proferre fideliter æquas, Grande capillitium induti, frontemque minacem. Non temerè attoniti caupones, turbaque furum Aufugiunt, gravidæque timent trucia ora puellæ. At mox fida comes Polychasmia, matutinis Quæ fe mifcuerat poc'lis Cerealibus, ipsum Judicis in cerebrum scandit---jamque unus & alter Cæperunt longas in hiatum ducere voces : Donec per cunctos Dea jam folenne, profundum Sparferit Hum----nutant taciti, tum brachia magno 35 Extendunt nifu, patulis & faucibus hifcunt.
Her eyes to open oft in vain fhe try'd,
Lock'd were the lids, her mouth diftended wide. Her when Prometheus happen'd to survey (Rival of Jove, that made mankind of clay) He form'd without the aid of heav'nly ray. To three Lethæan cups he learnt to mix Deep fighs of virgins, with three blasts from Styx, The bray of affes, with the fat of brawn, The fleep-preceding groan, and hideous yawn. Thus Polychasmia took her wond'rous birth, A Goddess helpful to the fons of earth.
Lo! how the ruftic multitude from far
Hafte to the town, and crowd the clam'rous bar.
The preft bench groans with many a squire and knight, Who weigh out justice, and distribute right : Severe they seem, and formidably big, With front important, and huge periwig. The little villains skulk aloof dismay'd, And panic terrors feize the pregnant maid. But foon friend Polychasm', who always near, Herself had mingled with their morning beer, Steals to the judges brain, and centers there. Then in the court the horrid yawn began,
And Hum, profound and folemn, went from man to man: Silent they nod, and with prodigious strain
Stretch out their arms, then liftless yawn again:
Intereà legum Caupones jurgia miscent,
Queis nil Rhetorice eft, nifi copia major hiandi : Vocibus ambiguis certant, nugafque ftrophafque Alternis jaculantur, & irafcuntur amicè, Donantque accipiuntque ftuporis miffile plumbum.
Vos, Fanatica turba, nequit pia musa tacere. Majoremne aliunde poteft diducere rictum ? Afcendit gravis Orator, miferâque loquelâ Expromit thefin; in partes quam deinde minutas Diftrahit, ut connectat, & explicat obscurando : Spargitur heu! pigris verborum fomnus ab alis, Grex circùm gemit, & plaufum declarat hiando.
Nec vos, qui falfò matrem jactatis Hygeian
Patremque Hippocratem, taceam---Polychafmia, veftros Agnofco natos: tumidas fine pondere voces
In vulgum eructant; emuncto quifque bacillum
Applicat auratum nafo, graviterque facetus
Totum fe in vultum cogit, medicamina pandens--- Rufticus haurit amara, atque infanabile dormit;
For all the flow'rs of rhetoric they can boaft, Amidst their wranglings, is to gape the most : Ambiguous quirks, and friendly wrath they vent, And give and take the leaden argument.
Ye too, Fanaticks, never shall escape The faithful mufe; for who fo greatly gape?) Mounted on high, with ferious care perplext, The miferable preacher takes his text; Then into parts minute, with wondrous pain, Divides, connects, and then divides again, And does with grave obfcurity explain :
While from his lips lean periods lingring creep, And not one meaning interrupts their sleep, The drowsy hearers ftretch their weary jaws With lamentable groan, and yawning gape applause.
The Quacks of Phyfic next provoke my ire,
Who falfely boast Hippocrates their fire: Goddess! thy fons I ken---verbose and loud, They puff their windy bubbles on the crowd :
With look important, critical, and vain, Each to his nose applies the gilded cane; And as he nods, and ponders o'er the case, Gravely collects himself into his face, Explains his med'cines---which the ruftic buys, Drinks the dire draught, and of the doctor dies;
Nec fenfus revocare queant fomenta, nec herbæ, Non ars, non miræ magicus fonus ABRACADABRÆ.
Ante alios fumma es, Polychafmia, cura Sophista: Ille Tui cæcas vires, caufamque latentem Sedulus exquirit---quo fcilicet impete fauces Invitæ disjungantur; quo vortice aquofæ
Particulæ fluitent, comitesque ut fulminis imbres,
Cum ftrepitu erumpant; ut deinde vaporet ocellos Materies fubtilis ; ut in cutis infinuet fe Retia; tum, fi forte datur contingere nervos Concordes, cunctorum ora expanduntur hiulca. Sic ubi, Phoebe pater, fumis chelyn, harmoniamque Abftrufam in chordis fimul elicis, altera, fiquam Equalis tenor aptavit, tremit æmula cantûs, Memnoniamque imitata lyram fine pollicis ictu Divinum refonat proprio modulamine carmen.
Me quoque, mene tuum tetigisti, ingrata, Poetam? Hei mihi! totus hio tibi jam ftupefactus; in ipfo Parnaffo captus longè longèque remotas
Profpecto Mufas, fitioque, ut Tantalus alter,
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