ARISTOCRAT. Pitt was an advocate for Free Trade, but not for Competition. He proposed to take from France her commodities that we could not produce; and to pay France with our manufactures, to which she was a stranger; thus, by a mutual reduction of duties, facilitating the interchange of commodities, peculiar to each country. This was a wise and liberal policy. This was a system of Free Trade, beneficial and honourable to each party, because injurious to neither. PROTECTION. I perceive, Sir. But surely horse-racing is fair play; and yet, is not that, competition? ARISTOCRAT. Yes, Madam, it is fair play, and it is competition too, but it is not Free Trade. Allow me to explain (taking up the Morning Post from the table).— The very thing.-Here's the race for the "Town Plate." ......... 1 2 Ensign Towwouse's Bouncing Bess, 5 yrs., 8st. 11lb..... Betting.-7 to 4 agst. Ame de ma Vie; 3 to 1 agst. Joyeuse Grisette; 5 to 1 agst. Tiffin (taken); 10 to 1 agst. Don Whiskerandos; 15 to 1 agst. Foreign Bottoms; and 20 to 1 agst. Bouncing Bess (taken). Tiffin went off with the lead, closely followed by Ame de ma Vie, with Don Whiskerandos at her side, and waited on by Joyeuse Grisette; Bouncing Bess, with Foreign Bottoms, well up in the rear. This order was observed till, on turning the corner, Ame de ma vie ran against Tiffin, and upset him. Joyeuse Grisette, who was following in his wake, fell over him, and the favourite was so shaken in the mêlée, that the other three shot a-head of her. Don Whiskerandos then went in front; but Bouncing Bess, taking up the running, beat Foreign Bottoms at the post, and catching the Don at the stand, challenged; and, after a smart struggle, won cleverly by a neck. The Don was severely punished. Foreign Bottoms a bad third. There's competition, if you please, Madam; but where are "the sound principles of Free Trade?" What an uproar amongst the jockies at Newmarket would such principles excite! Who understand better than those worthies, quid ferre recusent, quid valeant, humeri? Is not each horse weighted according to his age, and ascertained powers? and is it to be tolerated that the Russian, or the American, with a weight on his back of only half a pound, should be allowed to enter for the same stakes as the Briton, who is sinking under the oppression of thirty pounds? In other words, that their lightlytaxed corn should come in duty free, to compete with ours, that has such heavy taxation to bear? By all means, admit all foreign commodities; but levy on them, as they come in, a toll, equal to the grievous burdens which Debt imposes on us, of necessity, at home. PROTECTION. Well, Sir; I may be partial, from being so deeply interested in this question; but indeed, I think you make out a very strong case in my favour. And yet, if your views are correct, I am still more confounded at the insolent conduct of the Chancellor of the Exchequer to me, last May. ARISTOCRAT. What! Madam, did he venture, even in that merry month, to take any unwarrantable lib PROTECTION. ? Judge for yourself, Sir. He positively had the assurance to call me, to my face, before the whole House-an exploded sophism! There's language for the Treasury-bench! ARISTOCRAT. (smiling). O! Madam, I entreat you not to be offended or alarmed at that.-Fifteen years ago, I remember meeting, in Parliament-street, Sir John Barleycorn, who had just quitted the House: he was in the highest glee, swaggering about, and giving himself as many airs as if he had been Master of a City Company. "I congratulate you, my boy," cried he, "at last the Malt Tax is an "exploded sophism." Within four and twenty hours, however, this "exploded sophism" was a stern reality, again; and there it has remained (to my cost) ever since. In France, too, ten years before I was born, Christianity was an "exploded sophism." Look at her now why if the President had been the eldest son of the Church; had he been Saint Louis himself, he could not have bombarded his maternal walls with more filial piety, or holier zeal. Positively St. Denis cut out the work so vigorously for himself, that the other six Champions of Christendom hadn't a chance. St. Anthony left his macaroni in such a hurry, that he fell ill of indigestion at Velletri; and St. James, who had swum right over from Spain, sat drying himself on the rock of Terracina so long, that he had only just time to swim back again. The three British Knights looked sulkily on while St. Patrick had such a pretty quarrel at home PROTECTION. Well! I own, I never could make out that Irish disturbance, in 1848. ARISTOCRAT. Nor I either, Madam; but as officials in general, and Lord Lieutenants in particular, are given to fine writing, I am anxiously looking for a "History of the Little Rebellion," from the pen of my Lord Clarendon. I fear PROTECTION. you will be disappointed, then. Any more "exploded sophisms?" 66 ARISTOCRAT. 66 "Can maladetto!" exclaimed the Grand Inquisitor, as he turned the key on Galileo. "There can be no doubt now, I think, of this diurnal revolution of the earth being an 'exploded sophism." Eppur si muove," muttered the philosopher, as he gazed at the diagram on the wall. Ay, Madam, and still it moves.-"My love," sighs the Lion to his female in the Ark,-"When shall we have a roll together on those dear old sands again?" "Why, my honest fellow," cries the Sea-Serpent, looking in at the window,-"Where have you been living all this time, not to know that land is an "exploded sophism?"-" Then pray, sir," growls the Lady of the Woods and Forests-" how are we beasts of the field to get on in the world?" "Sink or swim, like the rest of us," retorts the selfish reptile, folding himself up economically: and just as every beast, after his kind, was concerting such an universal roar, as would have rent the Ark in twain, the Eagle on the watch screamed out— "Here's the Dove with an olive-leaf, by Jove!" "O! qui complexus, et gaudia quanta fuerunt!" Disregard, therefore, Madam, the taunts of your enemies and, relying on the justice of your cause, and on the good sense and feeling of the people, |