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Tom Plump into wedlock; she ris' with her aupwards. Miss. Fie, madam ; what do you mean?
Lady Smart. O miss, 'tis nothing what we say among ourselves.
Miss. Ay, madam; but they say, hedges have eyes, and walls have ears.
Lady Answ. Well, miss, I cann't help it ; you know, I'm old Telltruth ; I love to call a spade a spade.
Lady Smart. [Mistakes the teatongs for the spoon.] What! I think my wits are a wool-gathering today.
Miss. Why, madam, there was but a right and a wrong
Lady Smart. Miss, I hear that you and Lady Coupler are as great as cup and can.
Lady Answ. Ay, miss, as great as the devil and the Earl of Kent. *
Lady Smart. Nay, I am told you meet together with as much love as there is between the old cow and the haystack.
Miss. I own I love her very well; but there's difference between staring and stark mad.
Lady Smart. They say, she begins to grow fat. Miss. Fat! ay, fat as a hen in the forehead.
Lady Smart. Indeed, Lady Answerall (pray forgive me) I think your ladyship looks thinner than when I saw you last.
Miss. Indeed, madam, I think not; but your ladyship is one of Job's comforters.
Lady Answ, Well, no matter how I look; I am
* The villainous character, given by history to the celebrated Goodwin Earl of Kent, in the time of Edward the Confessor, occasioned this proverb,
bought and sold: but really, miss, you are so very obliging, that I wish I were a handsome young lord for your sake.
Miss. O madam, your love's a million.
Lady Smart. [To Lady Answ.] Madam, will your ladyship let me wait on you to the play to-morrow?
Lady Answ. Madam, it becomes me to wait on your ladyship.
Miss. What, then, I'm turn'd out for a wrangler?
The Gentlemen come in to the Ladies to drink tea.
Miss. Mr Neverout, we wanted you sadly ; you are always out of the
should be hang’d.
Neverout. You wanted me! pray, miss, how do you look when you lie?
Miss, Better than you when you cry. Manners indeed! I find you mend like sour ale in
Neverout. I beg your pardon, miss; I only meant, when you lie alone.
Miss. That's well turn'd; one turn more would have turn'd you down stairs.
Neverout. Come, miss, be kind for once, and order me a dish of coffee.
Miss. Pray, go yourself; let us wear out the oldest: besides, I cann't go, for I have a bone in my leg.
Col. They say, a woman need but look on her apron-string to find an excuse.
Neverout. Why, miss, you are grown so peevish, a dog would not live with you.
Miss. Mr Neverout, I beg your diversion : no offence, I hope; but truly in a little time you intend to make the colonel as bad as yourself; and that's as bad as can be.
Neverout. My lord, don't you think miss improves wonderfully of late ? Why, miss, if I spoil the colonel, I hope you will use him as you do me; for you know, love me, love my dog.
Col. How's that, Tom? Say that again : why, if I am a dog, shake hands, brother.
Here a great, loud, long laugh. Ld. Smart. But pray, gentlemen, why always so severe upon poor miss ? On my conscience, Colonel and Tom Neverout, one of you two are both knaves.
Col. My Lady Answerall, I intend to do myself the honour of dining with your ladyship to-mor
Lady Answ. Ay, colonel, do if you can.
Col. Miss, I thank you; and to reward you, I'll come and drink tea with you in the morning.
Miss. Colonel, there's two words to that bargain.
Col. [TO Lady Smart.] Your ladyship has a very fine watch; well may you wear it.
Lady Smart. It is none of mine, colonel.
Lady Smart. Why, 'tis my lord's; for they say a married woman has nothing of her own but her wedding-ring and her hair-lace : but if women had been the law-makers it would have been better.
Col. This watch seems to be quite new.
Lady Smart. No, sir ; it has been twenty years in my lord's family; but Quare put a new case and dial-plate to it.
Neverout. Why, that's for all the world like the man, who swore he kept the same knife forty years, only he sometimes changed the haft, and sometimes the blade.
Ld. Smart. Well, Tom, to give the devil his due, thou art a right woman's man.
Col. Odd so! I have broke the hinge of my snuff-box; I'm undone, beside the loss.
Miss. Alack-a-day, colonel! I vow I had rather have found forty shillings.
Neverout. Why, colonel; all that I can say to comfort you, is, that you must mend it with a
Miss laughs. Col. What, miss! you cann't laugh, but you must show your teeth.
Miss. I'm sure you show your teeth when you cann't bite: well, thus it must be, if we sell ale.
Neverout. Miss, you smell very sweet; I hope you don't carry perfumes.
Miss. Perfumes ! No, sir; I'd have you to know, it is nothing but the grain of my skin.
Col. Tom, you have a good nose to make a poor man's sow.
Ld. Sparkish. So, ladies and gentlemen, methinks you are very witty upon one another : come box it about; 'twill come to my father at last.
Col. Why, my lord, you see miss has no mercy; I wish she were married ; but I doubt the gray mare would prove the better horse.
Miss. Well, God forgive you for that wish.
Miss. What, my lord, do you think I was born in a wood, to be afraid of an owl?
Ld. Smart, What have you to say to that, colonel?
Neverout. O my lord, my friend the colonel scorns to set his wit against a child.
Miss. Scornful dogs will eat dirty puddens.
Col. Well, miss; they say, a woman's tongue is the last thing about her that dies; therefore let's kiss and be friends.
Miss. Hands off! that's meat for your master.
Ld. Sparkish. Faith, colonel, you are for ale and cakes : but after all, miss, you are too severe; you would not meddle with your match.
Miss. All they can say goes in at one ear and out at t'other for me, I can assure you : only I wish they would be quiet, and let me drink my tea.
Neverout. What! I warrant you think all is lost that goes beside your own mouth.
Miss. Pray, Mr Neverout, hold your tongue for once, if it be possible: one would think
you were a woman in man's clothes by your prating.
Nederout. No, miss; it is not handsome to see one hold one's tongue: besides I should slobber my fingers.
Col. Miss, did you never hear, that three women and a goose are enough to make a market?
Miss. I'm sure, if Mr Neverout or you were among them, it would make a fair.
Footman comes in.
Lady Smart. Here, take away the tea-table, and bring up candles.
Lady Answ. () madam, no candles yet, I beseech you; don't let us burn day-light.
Neverout. I dare swear, miss for her part will never burn day-light, if she can help it.