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Neverout. Yes, faith, madam ; I live high, and lodge in a garret.
Col. But, miss, I forgot to tell you, that Mr Neverout got the devilishest fall in the Park today.
Miss. I hope he did not hurt the ground: but how was it, Mr Neverout? I wish I had been there to laugh.
Neverout. Why, madam, it was a place where a cuckold had been buried, and one of his horns sticking out, I happened to stumble against it; that was all.
Lady Smart. Ladies, let us leave the gentlemen to themselves; I think it is time to go to our tea.
Lady Answ. and Miss. My lords and gentlemen, your most humble servant.
Ld. Smart. Well, ladies, we'll wait on you an hour hence.
The Gentlemen alone.
Ld. Smart. Come, John, bring us a fresh bottle.
Col. Ay, my lord; and pray, let him carry off the dead men, as we say in the army.
[Meaning the empty bottles. Ld. Sparkish. Mr Neverout, pray is not that bottle full ?
Neverout. Yes, my lord; full of emptiness.
Ld. Smart. And, d'ye hear, John, bring clean glasses.
Col. I'll keep mine; for I think, wine is the best liquor to wash glasses in.
The Ladies at their tea.
Lady Smart. WELL, ladies ; now let us have a cup of discourse to ourselves.
Lady Answ. What do you think of your friend, Sir John Spendall ?
Lady Smart. Why, madam, 'tis happy for him that his father was born before him.
Miss. They say he makes a very ill husband to my lady.
Lady Answ. But he must be allowed to be the fondest father in the world.
Lady Smart. Ay, madam, that's true; for they say, the devil is kind to his own.
Miss. I am told, my lady manages him to admiration.
Lady Smart. That I believe, for she's as cunning as a dead pig, but not half so honest.
Lady Answ. They say, she's quite a stranger to all his gallantries.
Lady Smart. Not at all ; but, you know, there's none so blind as they that won't see.
Miss. 0, madam, I am told, she watches him as a cat would watch a mouse.
Lady Answ. Well, if she ben't foully belied, she pays him in his own coin.
Lady Smart. Madam, I fancy I know your thoughts, as well as if I were within you?
Lady Answ. Madam, I was t'other day in company with Mrs Clatter; I find she gives herself airs of being acquainted with your ladyship.
Miss. O! the hideous creature ! did you observe her nails ? they were long enough to scratch her grannum out of her grave.
Lady Smart. Well, she and Tom Gosling were banging compliments backward and forward : it looked like two asses scrubbing one another.
Miss. Ay, claw me, and I'll claw you : but, pray, madam, who were the company?
Lady Smart. Why, there was all the world and his wife; there was Mrs Clatter, Lady Singular, the Countess of Talkham (I should have named her first,) Tom Gosling, and some others, whom I have forgot.
Lady Answ. I think the countess is very sickly.
Lady Smart. Yes, madam ; she'll never scratch a gray head, I promise her. Miss. And, pray, what was your conversation ?
Lady Smart. Why, Mrs Clatter had all the talk to herself, and was perpetually complaining of her misfortunes.
Lady Answ. She brought her husband ten thousand pounds : she has a town house and country house : would the woman have her a- hung with points ?
Lady Smart. She would fain be at the top of the house before the stairs are built.
Miss. Well, comparisons are odious; but she's as like her husband as if she were spit out of his mouth ; as like as one egg is to another : pray
how was she drest?
Lady Smart. Why, she was as fine as fi'pence; but, truly, I thought there was more cost than worship
Lady Answ. I don't know her husband : pray what is he?
Lady Smart. Why, he's a counsellor of the law;
you must know he came to us as drunk as David's SOW.
Miss. What kind of creature is he? Lady Smart. You must know, the man and his wife are coupled like rabbits, a fat and a lean; he's as fat as a porps, and she's one of Pharaoh's lean kine : the ladies and Tom Gosling were proposing a party at quadrilie, but he refused to make one : Damn your cards, said he, they are the devil's books.
Lady Answ. A dull, unmannerly brute ! well, God send him more wit, and me more money.
Miss. Lord! madam, I would not keep such company for the world.
Lady Smart () miss, 'tis nothing when you are used to it: besides, you know, for want of company, welcome trumpery.
Miss. Did your ladyship play?
Lady Smart. Yes, and won; so I came off with fiddlers' fare, meat, drink, and money.
Lady Answ. Ay; what says Pluck?
Miss. Well, my elbow itches; I shall change bed-fellows.
Lady Smart. And my right hand itches; I shall
Lady Answ. And my right eye itches; I shall cry:
Lady Smart. Miss, I hear your friend mistress Giddy has' discarded Dick Shuttle : pray, has she got another lover ?
Miss. I hear of none.
Lady Smart. Why, the fellow's rich, and I think she was a fool to throw out her dirty water before she got clean.
Lady Answ. Miss, that's a very handsome gown of yours, and finely made ; very genteel.
Miss. I am glad your ladyship likes it.
Lady Answ. Your lover will be in raptures; it becomes you admirably.
Miss. Ay; I assure you I won't take it as I have done; if this won't fetch him, the devil fetch him say I. .
Lady Smart. [TO Lady Answ.] Pray, madam, when did you see Sir Peter Muckworm?
Lady Answ. Not this fortnight ; I hear he's laid up with the gout.
Lady Smart. What does he do for it?
Lady Answ. I hear he's weary of doctoring it, and now makes use of nothing but patience and flannel,
Miss. Pray, how does he and my lady agree?
Lady Answ. You know he loves her as the devil loves holy water.
Miss. They say, she plays deep with sharpers, that cheat her of her money.
Lady Answ. Upon my word, they must rise early that would cheat her of her money ; sharp's the word with her; diamonds cut diamonds.
Miss. Well, hut I was assured from a good hand, that she lost at one sitting to the tune of a hundred guineas; make money of that!
Lady Smart. Well, but do you hear that Mrs Plump is brought to bed at last?
Miss. And pray, what has God sent her?
Lady Smart. You have hit it; I believe you are a witch.
Miss. O madam, the gentlemen say, all fine ladies are witches ; but I pretend to no such
Lady Answ. Well, she had good luck to draw