Footman brings the Colonel a letter. Lady Answ. I suppose, colonel, that's a billetdoux from your mistress. Col. 'Egad, I don't know whence it comes; but whoe'er writ it, writes a hand like a foot. Miss. Well, you may make a secret of it, but we can spell, and put together. Neverout. Miss, what spells b double uzzard? Miss Buzzard, in your teeth, Mr Neverout. Lady Smart. Now you are up, Mr Neverout, will you do me the favour to do me the kindness to take off the tea-kettle? Ld. Sparkish. I wonder what makes these bells ring. Lady Answ. Why, my lord, I suppose, because they pull the ropes. [Here all laugh. Neverout plays with a tea-cup. Miss. Now a child would have cried half an hour before it would have found out such a pretty play-thing. Lady Smart. Well said, miss: I vow, Mr Neverout, the girl is too hard for you. Neverout. Ay, miss will say any thing but her prayers, and those she whistles. Miss. Pray, colonel, make me a present of that pretty pen-knife. Ld. Sparkish. Ay, miss, catch him at that, and hang him. Col. Not for the world, dear miss; it will cut love. Ld. Sparkish. Colonel, you shall be married first, I was going to say that. Lady Smart. Well, but, for all that, I can tell who is a great admirer of miss. Pray, miss, how do you like Mr Spruce? I swear, I have often seen him cast a sheep's eye out of a calf's head at you: deny it if you can. Miss. O, madam, all the world knows that Mr Spruce is a general lover. on. Col. Come, miss, 'tis too true to make a jest [Miss blushes. Lady Answ. Well, however, blushing is some sign of grace. Neverout. Miss says nothing; but I warrant she pays it off with thinking. Miss. Well, ladies and gentlemen, you are pleased to divert yourselves; but, as I hope to be saved, there's nothing in it. Lady Answ. Touch a gall'd horse, and he'll wince. Love will creep where it dare not go. I'd hold a hundred pound, Mr Neverout was the inventor of that story; and, colonel, I doubt you had a finger in the pie. Lady Answ. But, colonel, you forgot to salute miss when you came in; she said you had not been here a long time. Miss. Fie, madam :-I vow, colonel, I said no such thing: I wonder at your ladyship! Col. Miss, I beg your pardon- Goes to salute her; she struggles a little. Miss. Well, I'd rather give a knave a kiss for once than be troubled with him; but, upon my word, you are more bold than welcome. Lady Smart. Fie, fie, miss! for shame of the world, and speech of good people. Neverout to Miss, who is cooking her tea and bread and butter. Neverout. Come, come, miss, make much of naught; good folks are scarce. Miss. What! and you must come in with your two eggs a penny, and three of them rotten. * Col. [To Ld. Sparkish.] But, my lord, I forgot to ask you, how you like my new clothes? Ld. Sparkish. Why, very well, colonel; only, to deal plainly with you, methinks the worst piece is in the middle. [Here a loud laugh, often repeated. Col. My lord, you are too severe on your friends. Miss. Mr Neverout, I'm hot, are you a sot? Neverout. Miss, I'm cold, are you a scold? Take you that. Lady Smart. I confess that was home. I find, Mr Neverout, you won't give your head for the washing, as they say. Miss. O he's a sore man where the skin's off. I see Mr Neverout has a mind to sharpen the edge of his wit on the whetstone of my igno rance. Ld. Sparkish. Faith, Tom, you are struck! I never heard a better thing. Neverout. Pray, miss, give me leave to scratch you for that fine speech. Miss. Pox on your picture! it cost me a groat the drawing. Neverout. [To Lady Smart.] 'Sbuds, madam, I have burnt my hand with your plaguy tea kettle. * This is a favourite proverb of Swift's, and occurs often in the Journal. Lady Smart. Why, then, Mr Neverout, you must say, God save the king. Neverout. Did you ever see the like? Miss. Why, I am as old as my tongue, and a little older than my teeth. Ld. Sparkish. [To Lady Answ.] Pray, madam, is Miss Buxom married? I hear 'tis all over the town. Lady Answ. My lord, she's either married or worse. Col. If she ben't married, at least she's lustily promised. But, is it certain that Sir John Blunderbuss is dead at last? Ld. Sparkish Yes, or else he's sadly wronged, for they have buried him. Miss. Why, if he be dead, he'll eat no more bread. Col. But, is he really dead? Lady Answ. Yes, colonel, as sure as you're alive. Col. They say he was an honest man. Lady Answ. Yes, with good looking to. Miss feels a pimple on her face. Miss. Lord! I think my goodness is coming out. Madam, will your ladyship please to lend me a patch? Neverout. Miss, if you are a maid, put your hand upon your spot. Miss. There [Covering her face with both her hands. Lady Smart. Well, thou art a mad girl. [Gives her a tap. Miss. Lord, madam, is that a blow to give a child? Lady Smart lets fall her handkerchief, and the Colonel stoops for it. Lady Smart. Colonel, you shall have a better office. Col. O, madam, I can't have a better than to serve your ladyship. Madam, has your ladyship read the new play, written by a lord? It is called Love in a Hollow Tree. Lady Smart. No, colonel. Col. Why, then your ladyship has one pleasure to come. Miss sighs. Neverout. Pray, miss, why do you sigh? Miss. To make a fool ask, and you are the first. Neverout. Why, miss, I find there is nothing but a bit and a blow with you. * Sir William Grimston, created Viscount Grimston in the year 1719, wrote, when a boy, the Lawyer's Fortune, or Love in a Hollow Tree, a comedy, to be acted by his school-fellows. It was printed in 1705; but, at a more mature age, his lordship, conscious of its want of merit, wished to suppress it, and would have succeeded, had not the duchess of Marlborough, with whom he had a dispute relative to the borough of St Albans, caused a new edition to be printed, with an elephant dancing on a rope as a vignette on the title-page. His lordship bought up this edition also; but her grace caused the play to be re-printed in Holland, and distributed the impression among the electors of St Albans. He was chosen representative for this borough in 1713 1714, and 1727, and died Oct. 15, 1756. |