PREFACE. T fuch HE wits of the prefent age being so very numerous and penetrating, it seems the grandees of church and state begin to fall under horrible apprehenfions, left thefe gentlemen, during the intervals of a long peace, should find leisure to pick holes in the weak fides of religion and govern→ ment. To prevent which, there has been much thought employed of late, upon certain projects for taking off the force and edge of thofe formidable enquirers, from canvafing and reasoning upon delicate points. They have at length fixed upon one, which will require fome time as well as cost to perfect. Mean while, the danger hourly encreafing, by new levies of wits, all appointed (as there which is reafon to fear) with pen, ink, and paper, may at an hour's warning be drawn out into pam→ phlets, and other offenfive weapons, ready for immediate execution; it was judged of abfolute neceffity, that fome prefent expedient be thought on, 'till the main defign can be brought to maturity. To this end, at a grand committee fome days ago, this important discovery was made by a certain curious and refined obferver; that feamen have a custom, when they meet a whale, to fling him out an empty tub by way of amusement, to divert him from laying violent hands upon the fhip. This parable was immediately mythologised; the whale was interpreted to be Hobbes's Leviathan, which toffes and D 4 plays plays with all schemes of religion and government, whereof a great many are hollow, and dry, and empty, and noisy, and wooden, and given to rotation: this is the leviathan, whence the terrible wits of our age are faid to borrow their weapons. The ship in danger is eafily understood to be its old antitype, the commonwealth. But how to analyse the tub, was a matter of difficulty: when, after long enquiry and debate, the literal meaning was preferved; and it was decreed, that in order to prevent these leviathans from toffing and fporting with the commonwealth, which of itself is too apt to fluctuate, they should be diverted from that game by a Tale of a Tub. And, my genius being conceived to lie not unhappily that way, I had the honour done me to be engaged in the performance. This is the fole defign in publishing the following treatise, which I hope will ferve for an interim of fome months to employ thofe unquiet fpirits, till the perfecting of that great work; into the fecret of which, it is reasonable the courteous reader should have fome little light. It is intended, that a large academy be erected, capable of containing nine thoufand feven hundred forty and three perfons: which, by modeft computation, is reckoned to be pretty near the current number of wits, in this ifland. These are to be difpofed into the feveral schools of this academy, and there pursue thofe ftudies, to which their genius most inclines them. The undertaker himself will publifh his proposals with all convenient speed; to which I shall refer the curious reader for a more particular account, mentioning at present only a few of the principal schools. There is, first, a large pæderastic school, with French and Italian mafters. There is, alfo, the fpelling fchool, a very fpacious building: the school of looking-glaffes: the school of fwearing the school of critics: the school of falivation the school of hobby-horses: the fchool of poetry the school of tops: the school of spleen: the school of gaming: with many others, too tedious to recount. No perfon to be admitted member into any of these schools, without an attestation under two fufficient perfons hands, certifying him to be a wit.. But, to return: I am fufficiently inftructed in the principal duty of a preface, if my genius were capable of arriving at it. Thrice have I forced my imagination to make the tour of my invention, and thrice it has returned empty; the latter having been wholly drained by the following treatife. Not fo, my more fuccessful brethren the moderns; who will by no means let flip a preface or dedication, without fome notable diftinguishing ftroke to furprise the reader at the entry, and kindle a wonderful expectation of what is to enfue. Such was that of a moft ingenious poet, who, folliciting his brain for fomething new, compared himself to the hangman, and his patron to the patient: this was infigne, recens, indictum ore alio. When I went through that neceffary and noble courfe of ftudy, I had the happiness * Hor. Something extraordinary, new, and never hit upon before. to to obferve many fuch egregious touches, which I shall not injure the authors by tranfplanting: because I have remarked, that nothing is fo very tender as a modern piece of wit, and which is apt to suffer fo much in the carriage. Some things are extremely witty to-day, or fafting, or in this place, or at eight a clock, or over a bottle, or fpoke by Mr. What'd'y'call'm, or in a fummer's morning: any of the which, by the smallest tranfpofal or mifapplication, is utterly annihilate. Thus, wit has its walks and purlieus, out of which it may not stray the breadth of a hair, upon peril of being loft. The moderns have artfully fixed this mercury, and reduced it to the circumftances of time, place, and perfon. Such a jest there is, that will not pass out of Covent-Garden; and fuch a one, that is no where intelligible but at Hyde-Park corner. Now, though it sometimes tenderly affects me to confider, that all the towardly paffages I shall deliver in the following treatise, will grow quite out of date and relish with the first shifting of the present scene, yet I must needs fubfcribe to the juftice of this proceeding: because, I cannot imagine why we should be at expence to furnish wit for fucceeding ages, when the former have made no fort of provifion for ours: wherein I speak the fentiment of the very newest, and confequently the most orthodox refiners, as well as my own. However, being extremely follicitous, that every accomplished perfon, who has got into the taste of wit calculated for this prefent month of Auguft, 1697, fhould defcend to the very bottom of all the fublime, throughout this treatife; I hold fit to lay down this general maxim: whatever rea→ der defires to have a thorough comprehenfion of an. author's thoughts, cannot take a better method, than by putting himself into the circumstances and poftures of life, that the writer was in upon every important paffage, as it flowed from his pen: for this will introduce a parity, and ftrict correfpondence of ideas, between the reader and the author. Now, to affift the diligent reader in fo delicate an affair, as far as brevity will permit, I have recollected, that the fhrewdeft pieces of this treatise were conceived in bed, in a garret ; at other times, for a reafon best known to myself, I thought fit to sharpen my invention with hunger; and in general, the whole work was begun, continued, and ended, under a long courfe of phyfic, and a great want of money. Now, I do affirm, it will be abfolutely I impoffible for the candid perufer to go along with me in a great many bright paffages, unlefs, upon the feveral difficulties emergent, he will pleafe to capacitate and prepare himself by thefe directions. And this I lay down as my principal poftulatum. Because I have profeffed to be a moft devoted fervant of all modern forms, I apprehend some curious wit may object against me, for proceeding thus far in a preface, without declaiming, according to the cuftom, against the multitude of writers, whereof the whole multitude of writers moft reasonably complain. I am juft come from perufing fome hundreds of prefaces, wherein the authors do, at the very beginning, addrefs the gentle reader concerning this enormous grievance. Of these I have pre |