He bore a strange kind of appetite to snapdragon, and to the livid fnuffs of a burning candle; which he would catch and fwallow with an agility wonderful to conceive; and by this procedure, maintained a perpetual flame in his belly; which iffued in a glowing fteam from both his eyes, as well as his noftrils, and his mouth, made his head appear, in a dark night, like the fcull of an afs, wherein a roguifh boy had conveyed a farthing candle, to the terror of his Majefy's liege fubjects. Therefore he made ufe of no other expedient to light himself home; but was wont to fay, that a wife man was his own lantern.

He would shut his eyes as he walked along the ftreet; and if he happened to bounce his head against a post, or fall into the kennel, as he feldom miffed either to do one or both, he would tell the gibing apprentices, who looked on, that he fubmitted, with entire refignation, as to a trip, or blow of fate, with whom he found by long experience, how vain it was either to wrestle or to cuff; and whoever durft undertake to do either, would be fure to come off with a fwingeing fall, or a bloody nofe. It was ordained, faid he, fome few days before the creation, that my nofe and this very post should have a rencounter; and therefore Nature thought fit to fend us both into the world in the fame age, and to

make

people in receiving the facrament; fo in the lines before, which is to be understood of the diffenters refufing to kneel at the fa

crament.

* I cannot well find out the author's meaning here, unless it be the hot, untimely, blind zeal of enthufiafts.

make us countrymen and fellow-citizens. Now, had my eyes been open, it is very likely, the business might have been a great deal worfe; for how many a confounded flip is daily got by man, with all his forefight about him? Befides, the eyes of the understanding fee beft, when thofe of the fenfes are out of the way; and therefore blind men are observed to tread their steps with much more caution, and conduct, ànd judgment, than those who rely with too much confidence upon the virtue of the vifual nerve, which every little accident fakes out of order, and a drop or film can wholly disconcert; like a lamp among a pack of roaring bullies, when they scour the streets; expofing its owner, and itself, to outward kicks and buffets, which both might have escaped, if the vanity of appearing would have fuffered them to walk in the dark. But, farther, if we examine the conduct of thefe boafled lights, it will prove yet a great deal worse than their fortune: It is true, I have broke my nose against this poft, because fortune either forgot, or did not think it convenien to twitch me by the elbow, and give me notice to avoid it. But let not this encourage either the prefent age or pofterity, to trust their noses into the keeping of their eyes, which may prove the fairest way of lofing them for good and all. For, O ye eyes! ye blind guides! miferable guardians are ye of our frail nofes; ye, I fay, who faften upon the firf precipice in view, and then tow our wretched willing bodies after you, to the very brink of deftruction: But, alas! that brink is rotten, our feet flip, and we tumble down prone into

a gulph, without one hofpitable forub in the way to break the fall; a fall, to which not any nose of mortal make is equal, except that of the giant * Laurcalco, who was lord of the filver bridge. Moft properly, therefore, O eyes! and with great juftice, may you compared to thofe foolish lights which conduct men through dirt and darkness, till they fall into a deep pit, or a noisome bog.

be

This I have produced, as a scantling of Jack's great eloquence, and the force of his reafoning upon fuch abftruse matters.

He was, befides, a person of great design and improvement in affairs of devotion, having introduced a new deity, who hath fince met with a vaft number of worshippers; by fome called Babel,-by others, Chaos; who had an ancient temple of Gothic ftructure upon Salisbury-plain, famous for its fhrine, and celebration by pilgrims.

When he had fome roguifh trick to play, he would down with his knees, up with his eyes, and fall to prayers, though in the midst of the kennel +. Then it was that thofe, who understood his pranks, would be fure to get far enough out of his way; and whenever curiofity attracted ftrangers to laugh, or to liften, he would of a fudden with one hand out with his gear, and piss full in their eyes, and with the other all befpatter them with mud.

VOL. I.

* Vide Don Quixote.

I i

In

The villanies and cruelties, committed by enthufiafts and fanatics among us, were all performed under the difguife of religion and long prayers.

In winter he went always loose and unbuttoned, and clad as thin as poffible, to let in the ambient heat; and in fummer, lapped himself close and thick, to keep it out *.

In all revolutions of government, he would make his court for the office of hangman-general; and in the exercise of that dignity, wherein he was very dextrous, would make use of no other vizor, than a long prayer ‡.

He had a tongue fo mufculous and fubtile, that he could twift it up into his nose, and deliver a ftrange kind of fpeech from thence. He was alfo the first in these kingdoms who began to improve the Spanish accomplishment of braying; and having large ears, perpetually exposed and erected, he carried his art to fuch a perfection, that it was a point of great difficulty to distinguifh, either by the view or the found, between the original and the copy.

He was troubled with a disease, reverse to that called the ftinging of the tarantula; and would run dog-mad at the noise of music, especially a pair of bag-pipes §. But he would cure himfelf again, by taking two or three turns in Weftminfter-hall, or Billingfgate, or in a boarding-fchool, or the Royal Exchange, or a state coffee-house.

He

*They affected differences in habit and behaviour. They are fevere perfecutors, and all in form of cant and de

votion.

Cromwell and his confederates went, as they called it, to seck God, when they refolved to murther the King.

$ This is to expofe our diffenters aversion against instrumental mufic in churches. W. Wotton.

He was a perfon that feared no colours *, but mortally hated all; and upon that account bore a cruel averfion against painters, infomuch that in his paroxyfms, as he walked the streets, he would have his pockets loaden with ftones, to pelt at the figns.

Having, from this manner of living, frequent occafion to wash himfelf, he would often leap over head and ears into water, though it were the midst of winter; and was always obferved to come out again much dirtier, if poffible, than he went in t.

He was the first that ever found out the secret of contriving a foporiferous medicine to be conveyed in at the ears. It was a compound of fulphur and balm of Gilead, with a little pilgrim's falve .

He wore a large plaifter of artificial cauftics on his ftomach, with the fervour of which he could fet himself a groaning, like the famous board upon application of a red-hot iron.

He would ftand in the turning of a street; and, calling to thofe who paffed by, would cry to one, Worthy Sir, do me the honour of a good flap in the chaps; to another, Honeft friend, pray favour

Ii 2

me

* They quarrel at the most innocent decency and ornament, and defaced the ftatues and paintings on all the churches in England.

+ Baptifm of adults by plunging. Hawkef.

Fanatic preaching, composed either of hell or damnation, or a fulfome description of the joys of heaven; both in such a dirty, naufeous style, as to be well refembled to pilgrim's falve.