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He bore a strange kind of appetite to snapdragon *, and to the livid snuffs of a burning candle ; which he would catch and swallow with an agility wonderful to conceive; and by this procedure, maintained a perpetual flame in his belly ; which issued in a glowing steam from both his eyes, as well as his nostrils, and his mouth, made his head appear, in a dark night, like the fcull of an ass, wherein a roguish boy had conveyed a farthing candle, to the terror of his MajeMy's liege subjects. Therefore he made use of no other expedient to light himself home ; but was wont to say, that a wise man was his own lantern.
He would shut his eyes as he walked along the street; and if he happened to bounce his head against a post, or fall into the kennel, as he feldom miffed either to do one or both, he would tell the gibing apprentices, who looked on, that be submitted, with entire resignation, as to a trip, or blow of fate, with whom he found by long experience, how vain it was either to wrestle or to cuff ; and whoever durft undertake to do either, would be sure to come off with a swingeing fall, or a blosdy nose. It was ordained, said he, fome few days before the creation, that my nose and this very poslould have a rencounter ; and therefore Nature thought fit to send us both into the world in the same age, and to make us countrymen and fellow-citizens. Now, had my eyes been open, it is very likely, the business might bave been a great deal worse ; for how many a confounded
make people in receiving the sacrament; fo in the lines before, which is to be understood of the dissenters refusing to kneel at the sa
* I cannot well find out the author's meaning here, unless it be the hot, untimely, blind zeal of enthusiasts.
sip is daily got by man, with all his foresight about him ? Besides, the eyes of the understanding see best, when those of the senses are out of the way ; and therefore blind men are observed to tread their steps with much more caution, and conduct, and judgment, than those who rely with too much confidence upon the virtue of the visual nerve, which every little accident Makes out of order, and a drop or film can wholly disconcert ; like a lamp among a pack of roaring bullies, when they scowr the streets; exposing its owner, and itself, to outward kicks and buffets, which both might have escaped, if the vanity of appearing would have suffered them to walk in the dark. But, farther, if we examine the conduct of these boasied lights, it will prove yet a great deal worse than their fortune : It is true, I have broke my nose against this post, because fortune either forgot, or did not think it convenieni to twitch me by the elbow, and give me notice to avoid it. But let not this encourage either the present age or pofterity, to trust their noses into the keeping of their eyes, which may prove the fairest way of losing them for good and all. For, Oye eyes ! ye blind guides! miferable guardians are ye of our frail noses ; ye, I say, who fallen upon the first precipice in view, and then tow o'r wretched willing bodies after you, to the very brink of destruction : But, alas ! that brink :) rotten, Our feet fiip, and we tumble down prone into
a gulph, without one hofpitable forub in the way to break the fall; a fall, to which not any nose of mortal make is equal, except that of the giant * Laurcalco, who was lord of the filver bridge. Most properly, therefore, O eyes! and with great justice, may you be compared to those foolish lights which conduct men through dirt and darkness, till they fall into a deep pit, or a noisome bog.
This I have produced, as a scantling of Jack's great eloquence, and the force of his reasoning upon
such abstruse matters. He was, besides, a person of great design and improvement in affairs of devotion, having introduced a new deity, who hath since met with a vast number of worshippers ; by some called Babel,—by others, Chaos; who had an ancient temple of Gothic structure upon Salisbury-plain, famous for its shrine, and celebration by pilgrims.
When he had some roguilh trick to play, he would down with his knees, up with his eyes, and fall to prayers, though in the midst of the kennel +. Then it was that those, who understood his pranks, would be sure to get far enough out of his way; and whenever curiosity attracted strangers to laugh, or to listen, he would of a fudden with one hand out with his gear, and piss full in their eyes, and with the other all bespatter them with mud. VOL. I. I i
In Vide Don Quixote. + The villanies and cruelties, committed by enthusiasts and fanatics among us, were all performed under the disguise of religion and long prayers.
In winter he went always loose and unbuttoned, and clad as thin as possible, to let in the ambient heat; and in summer, lapped himself close and thick, to keep it out *.
In all revolutions of government, he would make his court for the office of hangman-general †; and in the exercise of that dignity, wherein he was very dextrous, would make use of no other vizor, than a long prayer I.
He had a tongue fo musculous and subtile, that he could twist it up into his nose, and deliver a strange kind of speech from thence. He was also the first in these kingdoms who began to improve the Spanish accomplishment of braying ; and having large ears, perpetually exposed and erected, he carried his art to such a perfection, that it was a point of great difficulty to distinguish, either by the view or the found, between the original and the copy.
He was troubled with a disease, reverse to that called the stinging of the tarantula ; and would run dog-mad at the noise of music, especially a pair of bag-pipes . But he would cure himself again, by taking two or three turns in Westminfter-hall, or Billingsgate, or in a boarding-school, or the Royal Exchange, or a state coffee-house.
He * They affected differences in habit and behaviour.
+ They are severe perfecutors, and all in form of cant and devotion.
| Cromwell and his confederates went, as they called it, to feck God, when they resolved to murther the King.
§ This is to expose our dissenters aversion against instrumental music in churches. W. Wotton.
He was a person that feared no colours *, but mortally hated all; and upon that account bore a cruel aversion against painters, insomuch that in his paroxysms, as he walked the streets, he would have his pockets loaden with stones, to pelt at the signs.
Having, from this manner of living, frequent occasion to wash himself, he would often leap over head and ears into water, though it were the midst of winter ; and was always observed to come out again much dirtier, if possible, than he went in t.
He was the first that ever found out the secret of contriving a soporiferous medicine to be conveyed in at the ears. It was a compound of sulphur and bulm of Gilead, with a little pilgrim's salve .
He wore a large plaister of artificial caustics on his stomach, with the fervour of which he could set himself a groaning, like the famous board upon application of a red-hot iron.
He would stand in the turning of a street; and, calling to those who passed by, would cry to one, Worthy Sir, do me the honour of a good siap in the chaps ; to another, Honest friend, pray favour
* They quarrel at the most innocent decency and ornament, and defaced the statues and paintings on all the churches in England.
+ Baptism of adults by plunging. Hawkes.
| Fanatic preaching, composed either of hell or damnation, or a fulsome description of the joys of heaven; both in such a dirty, nauseous style, as to be well resembled to pilgrim's salve.