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mutton * Or hold, now my hand is in, I will help you. At which word, in much ceremony, with fork and knife he carves out two good flices of a loaf, and presents each on a plate to his brothers. The elder of the two, not fuddenly entering into Lord Peter's conceit, began with very civil language to examine the mystery. My Lord, faid he, I doubt, with great fubmiffion, there may be fome miftake. What! lays Peter, you are pleasant : Come then, let us hear this jeft your head is fo big with. None in the world, my Lord; but, unless I am very much deceived, your Lordship was pleafed a while ago to let fall a word about mutton, and I would be glad to fee it with all my heart. How! faid Peter, appearing in great furprise, I do not comprehend this at all. Upon which, the younger interpofing to fet the business aright; My Lord, faid he, my brother I fuppofe is hungry, and longs for the mutton your Lordship hath promifed us to dinner. Pray, faid Peter, take me along with you. Either you are both mad, or disposed to be merrier than I approve of. If you there do not like your piece, I will carve you another; though I should take that to be the choice bit of the whole boulder. What then, my Lord, replied the first, it seems this is a fhoulder of mutton all this while. Pray, Sir, fays Peter, eat your victuals, and leave off your impertinence, if you please;

*

Transubstantiation. Peter turns his bread into mutton, and, according to the Popish doctrine of concomitants, his wine too, which in his way he calls palming his damned crusts upon the brothers for mutton. W. Wotton.

pleafe; for I am not difpofed to relish it at present. But the other could not forbear, being over-provoked at the affected seriousness of Peter's coun

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tenance. By G my Lord, faid he, I can only fay, that, to my eyes, and fingers, and teeth, and nofe, it feems to be nothing but a cruft of bread. Upon which the fecond put in his word: I never faw a piece of mutton in my life fo nearly resembling a fice from a twelve-penny loaf. Look ye, Gentlemen, cries Peter in a rage, to convince you what a couple of blind, pofitive, ignorant, wilful puppies you are, will ufe but this plain argument; By G—, it is true, good, natural mutton, as any in Leadenhall-market ; and G- confound you both eternally, if you offer to believe otherwife. Such a thundering proof as this left no further room for objection. The two unbelievers began to gather and pocket up their mistakes as haftily as they could. Why, truly, faid the first, upon more mature confideration -Ay, fays the other, interrupting him, now I have thought better on the thing, your Lordship feems to have a great deal of reafon. Very well, faid Peter. Here, boy, fill me a beer-glafs of claret: Here's to you both with all my heart. The two brethren, much delighted to fee him fo readily appeased, returned their most humble thanks, and faid, they would be glad to pledge his Lordfhip. That you fall, faid Peter. I am not a perfon to refufe you any thing that is reasonable. Wine, moderately taken, is a cordial. Here is a glafs a-piece for you; it is true natural juice from the grape, none of your damned

vintners

vintners brewings. Having fpoke thus, he prefented to each of them another large dry crust, bidding them drink it off, and not be bafhful; for it would do them no hurt. The two brothers, after having performed the ufual office in fuch delicate conjunctures, of ftaring a fufficient period at Lord Peter, and each other; and finding how matters were like to go, refolved not to enter on a new difpute, but let him carry the point as he pleased: For he was now got into one of his mad fits; and to argue or expoftulate further, would only ferve to render him a hundred times more untractable.

I have chofen to relate this worthy matter in all its circumstances, because it gave a principal occafion to that great and famous rupture*, which happened about the fame time among these brethren, and was never afterwards made up. But of that I fhall treat at large in another section.

However, it is certain, that Lord Peter, even in his lucid intervals, was very lewdly given in his common converfation, extreme wilful and pofitive; and would at any time rather argue to the death, than allow himself once to be in an error. Besides, he had an abominable faculty of telling huge palpable yes upon all occafions; and not only fwearing to the truth, but curfing the whole company to hell, if they pretended to make the leaft fcruple of believing him. One time he fwore he had a cow at home, which gave as much milk

*By this rupture is meant the Reformation.

at

at a meal as would fill three thousand churches; and, what was yet more extraordinary, would never turn four *. Another time he was telling of an old fign-poft + that belonged to his father, with nails and timber enough in it to build fixteen large men of war. Talking one day of Chinese waggons, which were made fo light as to fail over mountains: Z-ds, faid Peter, where's the wonder of that? By G-, I faw a large boufe of lime and ftone travel over sea and land, granting that it stopped fometimes to bait, above two thoufand German leagues ‡. And that which was the good of it, he would fwear defperately all the while, that he never told a lye in his life; and every word, By G—, Gentlemen, I tell you nothing but the truth; and the d―l broil them eternally that will not believe me.

In fhort, Peter grew fo fcandalous, that all the neighbourhood began in plain words to fay, he

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*The ridiculous multiplying of the virgin Mary's milk amongst the Papis, under the allegory of a cow which gave as much milk at a meal as would fill three thousand churches. W. Wotton.

By this gn-poft is meant the cross of our blessed Saviour;-and if all the wood that is fhewn for parts of it, was collected, the quantity would fufficiently justify this farcasm. Hawkef.

The chapel of Loretto. He falls here only upon the ridiculous inventions of Popery. The church of Rome intended by thefe things to gull filly fuperftitious people, and rook them of their money. The world had been too long in flavery; but our ancestors gloriously redeemed us from that yoke. The church of Rome therefore ought to be expofed; and he deserves well of mankind, that does expofe it. W. Wotton.

Ibid. The chapel of Loretto, which travelled from the Holy Land to Italy.

And his two bro

was no better than a knave. thers, long weary of his ill usage, refolved at last to leave him; but first they humbly defired a copy of their father's will, which had now lain by neglected time out of mind. Instead of granting this request, he called them damned fons of whores, rogues, traitors, and the rest of the vile names he could mufter up. However, while he was abroad one day upon his projects, the two youngfters watched their opportunity, made a shift to come at the will, and took a copia vera * ; by which they presently faw how grofsly they had been abused; their father having left them equal heirs, and strictly commanded, that whatever they got should lie in common among them all. Pursuant to which, their next enterprise was, to break open the cellar-door, and get a little good drink to spirit and comfort their hearts +. In copying the will, they had met another precept against whoring, divorce, and feparate maintenance: Upon which their next work was, to discard their concubines, and fend for their wives . Whilft all this was in agitation, there enters a folicitor from Newgate, defiring Lord Peter would pleafe to procure a pardon for a thief that was to be hanged to-morrow. But the two brothers told him, he was a coxcomb, to feek pardons from a fellow who deferved to be hanged much better than his VOL. I.

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client;

* Tranflated the fcriptures into the vulgar tongues.
+Administered the cup to the laity at the communion.
Allowed the marriages of priests.

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