SECT. IV. A TALE OF A TUB. I HAVE now, with much pains and study, conducted the reader to a period where he must expect to hear of great revolutions. For, no fooner had our learned brother, fo often mentioned, got a warm house of his own over his head, than he began to look big, and take mightily upon him; infomuch that unless the gentle reader, out of his great candour, will please a little to exalt his idea, I am afraid he will henceforth hardly know the hero of the play, when he happens to meet him; his port, his dress, and his mien,being fo much altered. He told his brothers, he would have them to know that he was their elder, and consequently his father's fole heir; nay, a while after, he would not allow them to call him Brother, but Mr. Peter: and then he must be ftyled Father Peter; and fometimes, My Lord Peter. To fupport this grandeur, which he foon began to confider could not be maintained without a better fonde than what he was born to; after much thought, he caft about at last to turn projector and virtuofo; wherein he fo well fucceeded, that many famous difcoveries, projects, and machines, which bear great vogue and practice at prefent in the world, are owing entirely to Lord Peter's invention. I will deduce the best account I have been able to collect of the chief amongst them ; without confidering much the order they came out in; because, I think, authors are not well agreed as to that point. I hope, when this treatise of mine fhall be tranflated into foreign languages, (as I may without vanity affirm that the labour of collecting, the faithfulness in recounting, and the great usefulness of the matter to the public, will amply deferve that juftice,) that the worthy members of the feveral academies abroad, efpe 4 cially -cially thofe of France and Italy, will favourably accept thefe humble offers for the advancement of univerfal knowledge. I do alfo advertise the most reverend fathers the eastern miffionaries, that I have purely for their fakes made ufe of fuch words and phrafes, as will beft admit an eafy turn into any of the oriental languages, efpecially the Chinese. And fo I proceed with great content of mind, upon reflecting how much emolument this whole globe of earth is like to reap by my labours. The first undertaking of Lord Peter was, to purchase a large continent*, lately said to have been difcovered in terra australis incognita. This track of land he bought at a very great penny-worth from the difcoverers themselves, (though fome pretended to doubt whether they had ever been there); and then retailed it into feveral cantons to certain dealers, who carried over colonies, but were all fhipwrecked in the voyage. Upon which Lord Peter fold the faid continent to other cuftomers again, and again, and again, and again, with the fame fuccefs. The fecond project I fhall mention, was his fovereign remedy for the worms + especially thofe in the fpleen. The patient was to eat nothing after fupper for three nights. As foon as he went to bed, he was carefully to lie on one fide; and when he grew weary, to turn upon the other. He muft alfo duly confine his two eyes to the fame object; and by no means break wind at That is purgatory. + Penance and abfolution are played upon, under the notion of a fovereign remedy for the worms, efpecially in the fpleen; which, by obferving Peter's prefcription, would void infenfibly by perfpiration, afcending through the brain, &c.-W. Wotten. Here the author ridicules the penances of the church of Rome; which may be made as eafy as the finner pleases, provided he will pay for them accordingly. both both ends together, without manifeft occafion. Thefe prefcriptions, diligently obferved, the worms would void infenfibly by perfpiration, afcending through the brain. A third invention was, the erecting of a whisperingoffice, * for the public good and cafe of all fuch as are hypochondriacal, or troubled with the cholic; as likewife of all eves-droppers, phyficians, midwives, fmall politicians, friends fallen-out, repeating poets, lovers, happy, or in defpair, bawds, privy-counsellors, pages, parafites, and buffoons; in fhort, of all fuch as are in danger of burfting with too much wind. An afs's head was placed fo conveniently that the party affected might eafily with his mouth accoft either of the animal's ears; which he was to apply close for a certain space, and, by a fugitive faculty, peculiar to the ears of that animal, receive immediate benefit, either by eructation, or expiration, or evomition. Another very beneficial project of Lord Peter's was, an office of infurance, † for tobacco-pipes, martyrs of the modern zeal; volumes of poetry, shadows, and rivers; that thefe, nor any of these, fhall receive damage by fire. From whence our friendly focieties may plainly find themselves to be only tranfcribers from this original; though the one and the other have been of great benefit to the undertakers, as well as of equal to the public. Lord Peter was also held the original author of puppets and raree-fhews; the great usefulness whereof be By his whifpering-office, for the relief of eves-droppers, phyficians, bawds, and privy-counsellors, he ridicules auricular confeffion, aud the priest who takes it is defcribed by the afs's head.-W. Wotton. This I take to be the office of indulgences; the grofs abufes whereof first gave occafion for the reformation. ་ I believe are the monkeries and ridiculous proceffions, &c. among the Papifts. ing fo generally known, I shall not enlarge farther upon this particular. But another difcovery for which he was much renowned, was his famous univerfal pickle*. For, having remarked how your common picklet, in ufe among housewives, was of no farther benefit than to preferve dead flefh, and certain kind of vegetables; Peter, with great coft, as well as art, had contrived a pickle proper for houfes, gardens, towns, men, women, children, and cattle, wherein he could preferve them as found as infects in amber. Now this pickle, to the taste, the smell, and the fight, appeared exactly the fame with what is in common fervice for beef, and butter, and herrings, and has been often that way applied with great fuccefs; but for its many fovereign virtues was quite a different thing. For Peter would put in a certain quantity of his powder pimperlin-pimpt, after which it never failed of fuccess. The operation was performed by fpargefaction, in a proper time of the moon. The patient who was to be pickled, if it were a house, would infallibly be preferved from all fpiders, rats, and weazels; if the party affected were a dog, he fhould be exempt from mange, and madnefs, and hunger. It also infallibly took away all scabs and lice, and fcalded heads from children; never hindering the patient from any duty, either at bed or board. But of all Peter's rarities, he most valued a certain *Holy water he calls, an univerfal pickle, to preserve houfes, gardens, towns, men, women, children, and cattle; wherein he could preferve them as found as infects in amber.-W. Wotton. This is eafily understood to be holy water, compofed of the fame ingredients with many other pickles. And becaufe holy water differs only in confecration from common water, therefore he tells us, that his pickle, by the powder of pimperlin-pimp, receives new virtues, though it differs not in fight nor fmell, from the common pickles, which preferves beef, and butter, and herrings, W. Wotton. Sprinkling. fet fet of bulls*, whofe race was by great fortune preserved in a lineal defcent from those that guarded the golden fleece: though fome, who pretended to obferve them curiously, doubted the breed had not been kept entirely chafte; because they had degenerated from their ancestors in fome qualities, and had acquired others very extraordinary, but a foreign mixture. The bulls of Colchos are recorded to have brazen feet. But whether it happened by ill pasture and running, by an allay from intervention of other parents, from stolen intrigues; whether a weakness in their progenitors had impaired the feminal virtue, or by a decline neceffary through a long courfe of time, the originals of nature being depraved in thefe latter finful ages of the world : whatever was the caufe, it is certain that Lord Peter's bulls were extremely vitiated by the ruft of time in the metal of their feet, which was now funk into common lead. However, the terrible roaring, peculiar to their lineage, was preferved; as likewife that faculty of breathing out fire from their noftrils; which notwithftanding many of their detractors took to be a feat of art, and to be nothing fo terrible as it appeared; proceeding only from their ufual courfe of diet, which was of fquibs and crackers+. However, they had two peculiar marks which extremely diftinguished them from the bulls of Jafon, and which I have not met together in the description of any other monster, befide that in Horace, Varias inducere plumas; and The Papal bulls are ridiculed by name; fo that here we are at no lofs for the author's meaning. W. Wotton. Jbid. Here the author has kept the name, and means the Pope's bulls, or rather his fulminations, and excommunications of heretical princes; all figned with lead, and the feal of the fisherman; and are therefore faid to have lea den feet and fishes tails. These are the fulminations of the Pope, threatening hell and damnation to thofe princes who offend him. For |