gathering from all hands what was in the wind, he and his gang, after feveral millions of fcurrilities and curfes, not very important here to repeat, by main force very fairly kicks them both out of doors*, and would never let them come under his roof from that day to this.

SECT. V.

A DIGRESSION IN THE MODERN KIND.

WE whom the world is pleased to honour with the title of modern authors, fhould never have been able to compafs our great defign of an everlasting remembrance, and never-dying fame, if our endeavours had not been fo highly serviceable to the general good of mankind. This, Ó Univerfe! is the adventurous attempt of me thy fecretary.

-Quemvis perferre laborem

Suadet, et, inducit noctes vigilare ferenas.

To this end, I have fome time fince, with a world of pains and art, diffected the carcafs of human nature, and read many useful lectures upon the feveral parts, both containing and contained; till at last it finelt fo ftrong, I could preferve it no longer. Upon which I have been at a great expence to fit up all the bones with exact contexture, and in due fymmetry; fo that I am ready to fhew a very compleat anatomy thereof to all curious gentlemen and others. But not to digreis farther in the midft of a digreffion, as I have known fome authors inclofe digreffions in one another, like a neft of boxes; I do affirm, that, having carefully cut up human nature, I have found a very strange, new, and important discovery; that the public good of mankind is performed by two ways, inftruction and diverfion. And I have farther proved in my faid feveral readings, (which perhaps the world may one day see, if I can prevail on any friend to The Pope fhuts all who diffent from him out of the church.

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steal a copy, or on certain gentlemen of my admirers, to be very importunate), that, as mankind is now disposed, he receives much greater advantage by being diverted than instructed; his epidemical diseases being faftidiofity, amorphy, and ofcitation; whereas in the prefent univerfal empire of wit and learning, there seems but little matter left for inftruction. However, in compliance with a Jeffon of great age and authority, I have attempted carrying the point in all its heights; and accordingly throughout this divine treatise, have skilfully kneaded up both together with a layer of utile, and a layer of dulce.

When I confider how exceedingly our illuftrious moderns have eclipfed the weak glimmering lights of the ancients, and turned them out of the road of all fashionable commerce, to a degree, that our choice town wits *, of moft refined accomplishments, are in grave dispute, whether there have been ever any ancients or no; in which point we are like to receive wonderful fatisfaction from the most useful labours and lucubrations of that worthy modern, Dr. B-tley: I fay, when I confider all this, I cannot but bewail, that no famous modern hath ever yet attempted an universal system in a fmall portable volume, of all things that are to be known, or believed, or imagined, or practifed in life. I am however forced to acknowledge, that fuch an enterprize was thought on fome time ago by a great philofopher of O. Brazil. The method he propofed, was by a certain curious receipt, a noftrum, which, after his untimely death, I found among his papers; and do here, out

*The learned perfon here meant by our author, hath been endeavouring to annihilate fo many ancient writers, that until he is pleafed to ftop his hand, it will be dangerous to affirm, whether there have been any ancients in the world.

+ This is an imaginary island, of kin to that which is called the Painters wives, ifland, placed in fome unknown part of the ocean, merely at the fancy of the map-maker.

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of my great affection to the modern learned, prefent them with it; not doubting it may one day encourage fome worthy undertaker.

"You take fair correct copies, well bound in calf"fkin, and lettered at the back, of all modern bodies "of arts and fciences whatsoever, and in what lan66 guage you please. These you diftil in balneo Mariæ infufing quinteffence of popy q.f.together with three pints "of lethe, to be had from the apothecaries. You cleanse "away carefully the fordes and caput mortuum, letting "all that is volatile evaporate. You preferve only the "first running, which is again to be diftilled feventeen "times, till what remains will amount to about two "drams. This you keep in a glass vial hermetically "fealed, for one and twenty days; then you begin your "catholic treatise, taking every morning fafting (first "fhaking the vial) three drops of this elixir, fnuffing "it ftrongly up your nofe. It will dilate itself about "the brain (where there is any) in fourteen minutes, "and you immediately perceive in your head an infinite "number of abftracts, fummaries, compendiums, ex"tracts, collections, medulla's,excerpta quædam's, fiori"lega's, and the like, all disposed into great order, and "reducible upon paper."

I must needs own, it was by the affiftance of this arcanum that I, though otherwife impar, have adventured upon fo daring an attempt; never atchieved or undertaken before, but by a certain author, called Homer; in whom, though otherwise a perfon not without fome abilities, and for an ancient, of a tolerable genius, I have discovered many grofs errors, which are not to be forgiven his very afhes, if by chance any of them are left. For, whereas we are affured, he designed his work for a compleat body of all knowledge, human, divine, political, and mechanic*; it is manifeft, he hath wholly neglected fome, and been very imperfect in the reft. For,

[* Homerus omnes res humanas poematis complexus eft. Xe-, noph, in conviv.]

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fuift of all, as emment a cabalist as his difciples would reprefent him, his account of the opus magnum is extremely poor and deficient; he feems to have read but very fuperficially either Sendivogus, Behmen, or Anthropofophia theomagica +. He is alfo quite mistaken about the phara pyroplaftica, a neglect not to be atoned for; and, if the reader will admit fo fevere a cenfure, vix crederem autorem hunc unquam audiviffe ignis vocem. His failings are not lefs prominent in feveral parts of the mechanics. For, having read his writings with the utmoft application ufual among modern wits, I could never yet difcover the leaft direction about the structure of that useful inftrument, a fave-all. For want of which, if the moderns had not lent their affistance, we might yet have wandered in the dark. But I have ftill behind a fault far more notorious to tax this author with; I mean, his grofs ignorance in the common laws of this realm, and in the doctrine as well as difcipline of the church of England‡ : A defect indeed, for which both he and all the ancients ftand moft juftly cenfured by my worthy and ingenious friend Mr. W-tt-n, Bachelor of Divinity, in his incomparable treatife of ancient and modern learning: a book never to be fufficiently valued, whether we confider the happy turns and flowings of the author's wit, the great usefulness of his fublime difcoveries upon the subject of flies and spittle, or the laborious eloquence of his ftyle. And I cannot forbear doing that author the juftice of my public acknowledgements, for the great helps and liftings I had out of this incomparable piece, while I was penning this treatise.

+A treatife written about fifty years ago by a Welch Gentleman of Cambridge. His name, as I remember was Vaughan, as appears by the answer to it, written by the learned Dr. Henry More. It is a piece of the most unintelligible fuftian that perhaps was ever published in any language.

Mr. W-tt-n, (to whom our author never gives any quarter), in his comparison of ancient and modern learning, numbers, divinity, law, &c. among those parts of knowledge wherewe excel the ancients.

But,

But, befides thefe omiffions in Homer already mentioned, the curious reader will alfo obferve feveral defects in that author's writings, for which he is not altogether fo accountable. For whereas every branch of knowledge has received fuch wonderful acquirements fince his age, efpecially within these last three years, or thereabouts; it is almoft impoffible, he could be fo very perfect in modern discoveries as his advocates pretend. We freely acknowledge him to be the inventor of the compass, of gunpowder, and the circulation of the blood. But I challenge any of his admirers, to fhew me in all his writings a compleat account of the fpleen. Does he not alfo leave us wholly to feek in the art of political wagering? What can be more defective and unfatisfactory than his long differtation upon tea? And as to his method of falivation without mercury, fo much celebrated of late, it is to my own knowledge and experience, a thing very little to be relied on.

It was to fupply fuch momentous defects, that I have been prevailed on, after long folicitation, to take pen in hand; and I dare venture to promife, the judicious reader fhall find nothing neglected here, that can be of ufe upon any emergency of life. I am confident to have included and exhaufted all that human imagination can rife or fall to. Particularly, I recommend to the perufal of the learned, certain difcoveries that are wholly untouched by others; whereof I fhall only mention among a great many more, My new help of fmatterers; or, The art of being deep-learned, and thallow-read ;-A curious invention about moufe-traps ;-An univerfal rule of Reafon : : or, Every man his cwn carver; together with a most useful engine for catching of owls. All which the judicious reader will find largely treated on in the feveral parts of this discourse.

I hold myself obliged to give as much light as is poffible, into the beauties and excellencies of what I am writing; because it is become the fashion and humour moft applauded among the first authors of this polite and learned age, when they would correct the ill-nature of

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