Mr. Brown. "PRAY, JANE, WHAT ON EARTH IS THE REASON I AM KEPT WAITING FOR MY BREAKFAST Jane. "PLEASE, SIR, THE ROLLS ISN'T COME, AND THERE'S NO BREAD IN THE HOUSE!" RELIGIOUS PUFFING. [Exit JANE in dismay. Not a Pin to Choose. THE worst sort of law is Lynch law; and, indeed, there is no safety in progress when a Lynch pin is required to secure the Common-wheal. of the "million additional lamps at Vauxhall," and the "extra talent" at a theatre which is trying to struggle on with half a company. The appeal to the "good and generous" is only a slight variety of EITHER the science of puffing has risen very high, or the ministers of the formula which is so continually addressed to the eye of "the religion are stooping very low, when we find people invited to places Benevolent" by some anonymous widow, often to be found in male of worship by such advertisements as we might expect to see employed attire over a pot and a pipe-who is "plunged in distress," and who in an attempt to "pull 'em in "-as the minor theatrical phrase runs-makes a desperate plunge, by means of a five shilling advertisement, into to the Grecian Saloon or the Victoria. The following advertisement that favourite plunge-bath-the pocket of the kind-hearted portion of emanates, it is true, from a Roman Catholic concern; but we are sorry the community. The announcement of a combined attraction, conto say that this practice of religious puffing is confined to no particular sisting of High Mass at 11, and Vespers at 6, is strongly suggestive denomination, and pervades Exeter Hall as much as it does the humble of the tea-dealer's invitation to "try our Black at 4s.," or our Green at meeting-house where a pious tea and muffins form the inducement held 5s. ;" and the notification that "the good and generous must help him," out to the visitors to join the local faithful at some popular bathing-place. reminds us of the various uses of the word "must:" among which the We must, however, admit that we have seen nothing that comes piteous cry of "must have cash," and the sinister hint of "must be nearer to the Mosaic order of puffing than the following, which cleared off," are most frequently met with. "Pray cheer his pastoral appeared one day last month in the Times supplement : labours," is in the nature of a reminder similar to that of "Don't forget the nobby shop;" and the wind-up, which sets forth the places of starting by boat, omnibus, or rail, for "the truly beautiful new church, dedicated to our Lady Star of the Sea," savours strongly of the paragraph in the bills of Cremorne, wherein the easy accessibility of that popular place of entertainment is insisted on. TO THE CATHOLICS OF LONDON AND ITS ENVIRONS.-Have you seen the truly beautiful new church, dedicated to our "Lady Star of the Sea," on Croom's Hill, opposite the west side of Greenwich Park? If you have not, you should pay it a devotional visit. Next Sunday, there will be a special source of attraction, as the Rev. H. E. MANNING, M.A., late Archdeacon of Chichester, PREACHES in the morning, on behalf of the Poor Schools. High mass at 11. Vespers at 6. The indefatigable priest having, after many years of extreme toil, succeeded in erecting a glorious temple, is now anxious to extend the educational arrangements for the poor children. The good and generous must and will help him. Pray cheer his pastoral labours. Address your communications to the Very Rev. Canon North, Croom's Hill, Greenwich; or, if you wish it, go by the railway from the London Bridge Station, or by the omnibuses from Charing Cross, Elephant and Castle, and Gracechurch Street, or by the steamers from the various bridges or Blackwall Pier. The puff interrogatory has long been a favourite with professors of the art, and "Have you seen the new church ?" may rank, henceforth, in the literature of puffery among the well-known questions, "Can you speak French ?" "What shall I do with my money?" and other claptrap queries, with which the public eye is familiar. The " special attraction" for next Sunday may be classed with the popular fictions We are quite sure that all the honest friends of true religion, without reference to the denomination to which they belong, will thank us for our exposure of this disgusting specimen of religious puffing-a practice which can only bring scandal upon the cause it pretends to promote and give a handle to those who seek to turn serious matters into ridicule. Coming to a Bad End. A "YOUNG MONKEY," whose name and address will be printed if he dares to write to us again, has had the audacity to ask us whether the Finis, whose signature appears at the end of so many books, is the worthy alderman of the City of London. REASONING WITH AN IRISH FREE AND INDEPENDENT. Priest. THERE, YE RASCAL! STOP THERE TILL YE 'RE CONVINCED TO ONLY VOTE THE WAY I TELL YEZ; OR IT'S NIVER MARRY OR BURY YE THAT I WILL?" MONSIEUR COMMUNIQUÉ. T the present moment he is a great writer in France: we may say he is the greatest writer, Scarcely a newspaper appears without something signed by MONS. COMMUNIQUE. He is the only person who is not expected to sign his contributions-for COMMUNIQUE is not his real name. What his real name is, we cannot say. It is only known that he is the nephew of his uncle, and that he wears moustaches. His style is sharp and tranchant, like a sword. There is a military perfume about his writing, as if it had been dried with gunpowder instead of sand. His meaning is as pointed as a bayonet. The consequence is, no editor dares refuse his copy. If CoмMUNIQUE is paid for all he writes, by this time he must be one of the richest men on the French press. And justly so no one is so well informed as MONS. COMMU NIQUE. He knows everything long before it is going to happen. Rumour, who knows no small quantity of things in England, is a stupid, dull-informed person by the side of COMMUNIQUÉ. And where does he get all his information from? Persons say it is from living so close to the Elysée. The walls of that Elysian building, it seems, like all others, have ears; and it is whispered that COMMUNIQUE has got hold of two of them. Be it as it may, all he says is authentic Imaginative or not, let it be as true as a gentleman's word or as false as a President's oath, directly it is printed it is received as history, and read with the same gulping faith. Not a soul dares contradict it. Not a pen has the temerity to raise a doubt against it. For this reason COMMUNIQUE is a very safe writer. No writer on the French Press is half so safe, excepting those who are out of the kingdom. COMMUNIQUE has never received a single warning from the Government. No journal is likely ever to be suppressed for inserting his contributions. His favorite organ is the Moniteur, and its lively pages have greatly benefited by his communications. His articles have a pithy dryness about them, which, directly you see the signature, make you laugh. You know at once the wag who has written them. The tone of mock authority he puts on is very amusing. He fancies he is not known-and yet every one sees the big moustaches bristling behind the transparent mask. The Imperial, too, peeps through every line. We will give a few specimens of this celebrated author's style : "It is publicly reported that all the horses in the PRESIDENT's stables are English horses, and not French. As this is a libel on the man who was the elect of upwards of five millions of voices, we hasten on the best authority to state that there is nothing English in the stables of the Elysée, not even a groom -no, not even a pot of blacking. The PRESIDENT knows the French nation too well to think of mounting to power by any other means than French means, upon any other horses than "COMMUNIQUE." French horses. "It is confidently rumoured that the PRINCE LOUIS NAPOLEON has paid all his debts. The object of these rumours is too evident; but luckily they contradict themselves. "COMMUNIQUE." "We are authorised to state that the PRINCE PRESIDENT has not proposed to MADEMOISELLE CIRQUE OLYMPIQUE, the eldest daughter of the MARECHAL FRANCONI, who won his spurs in the most distinguished military circle of the Empire. We have reason to know that this method of marrying the Prince without his consent, is extremely unpleasant to him-more especially as he has no intention of getting married, until such period as he has got rid of his dreadful cold. This answer must suffice for the 2,197 duchesses, actresses, and vivandières, to whom our respected Prince has been privately married within the last fortnight. "COMMUNIQUE." "Once for all, the PRESIDENT does not keep a Boule-dogue, nor is there one about his premises. Our noble PRESIDENT has no greater ambition than to see his throne surrounded by nothing but French dogs. "COMMUNIQUE." A VOLUNTEER FOR THE SHRIEVALTY. Oн, I will the Sheriff of London be; Let others pay the fine: For I shall rejoice in the dignity In the Guildhall when I dine; And with buckles and sword at my LORD MAYOR'S board, More bright than a beadle shine. My heart will swell like a huge balloon- I ride in my coach of state; Blue, crimson, and gold, so grand to behold, And then to strut at Court in bag, For Sheriff of London, then, I'm your man, THE PRECIOUS MEMBER FOR MEATH. AN Irishman signing himself RICHARD J. KELSH, C. C., has published a political epistle, wherein he avers that "Meath, in her priesthood, sat in calm council, and selected as her children." representative one of the purest, best, and most gifted of this earth's Who is this great, good, and holy man; this extremely talented and immaculate individual; this ornament of his species; who is this fellow-not foul-mouthed, abusive, vituperative, slanderous, mendacious fellow-but this fellow of ALFRED THE GREAT and SHAKSPEARE, and, as MR. KELSH must think, of ST. PATRICK himself? This particularly fine fellow is MR. FREDERICK LUCAS, editor of the Tablet. MR. LUCAS, it seems, is a representative of representatives. The priesthood represent Meath, and MR. LUCAS represents the priesthood. Note this: because it shows that the charitable sentiments, the veracious assertions, and gentle remonstrances of the Tablet may now be considered to represent the charity, veracity, and meekness of the Meath priesthood. Amiable and excellent-nay, most excellent, most amiable MR. LUCAS, superlative son of the earth, has been returned for Meath by Meath's priesthood, sitting in calm council-calm, doubtless, as ADDISON's herowhilst he was riding in the whirlwind and directing the storm. MR. LUCAS, famous for gentlemanly language and veracity, will go to Parliament, the delegate of the Meath priesthood; their mouth-piece, to talk pearls and diamonds, of course, like the nice child in the nursery tale, and not spiders, adders, and toads, like the other. Or, would it not be better to say, he will be sent there as their political fire-engine, to play holy water on the flames of religious discord?-water really holy, pure, sanctified oxide of hydrogen, with no proportion of mud in it "at all at all." Marvel of purity, goodness, and genius, LUCAS, the papal phenomenon, will go to the House of Commons, and there, it is to be hoped, talk himself and his priesthood into that notice, credit, and attention which they deserve unless he shall prefer to change his tone, and, after the approved fashion of members for Irish Rome, die on the We hope some day to see all the contributions of MONS. COMMUNIQUE collected in one thick volume, with a Biography (how we should like to write it!) and an authentic Portrait. The Portrait would then reveal the mighty secret who MONS. COMMUNIQUE was. We wonder who it can be? One thing is very certain-floor of the House, and then go back to Meath, and get it cannot be LOUIS NAPOLEON! A JOKE ALL Hor.-We have been asked what race the unhappy individual belongs to who is enveloped during the intense heat in a full suit of leopard skins. As far as we can judge by the look of the poor fellow in a broiling sun, we should say he is a Hot-an-hot. returned afresh to die over again. In due time, anyhow, it may be expected that MR. LUCAS, by dint of talking purity, goodness, and wisdom, in the Tablet style, will talk himself into the Premiership, and then, like a true Ultramontane, forming an ecclesiastical cabinet, he will of course make his priestly eulogist, KELSH, CHANCELLOR OF THE EXQUAKER. YOUR VOTE IS MOST RESPECTFULLY SOLICITED FOR GORMAN O'SMOTHEREM, THE RALE FRIEND ODE ON THE IRISH ELECTIONS. PADDY, PADDY, wild and haggard, Spoilt, I fear, by too much "Blackguard," How's the Nose by which you're led, Six-foot PADDY, are you bigger- You, who like a senseless slave, As potato is to pumpkin, When, with curses at your throat, THE GREAT WAITER QUESTION. WE have lately touched a cord that seems to have acted like the wire of an electric telegraph upon all the bells in all the hotels and coffee-houses in the kingdom, whose waiters are answering us in such numbers, that we are puzzled how to answer all the waiters that have appealed to us. We have no desire to put down the waiter, but are anxious to put him up and elevate him in the social scale, by taking him out of the position of a mendicant seeking to be "remembered" as an act of charity, and placing him among those who have a fair and recognised value placed upon their services. Instead of leaving his casual remuneration to the indefinite estimate of "What you please," we would have him receive, without favour on one side or beggary on the other, that which he is entitled to. We want to see a proper distribution of the waiters' charges over the public in general, instead of the sum being levied largely upon the liberal few, and collected scantily from the mean or economical many. An equalisation of the burdens on travellers is as much required as an equalisation of the burdens on land, and if one is a landlord's question so is the other. We desire to see waiters well paid, and, indeed, we would have them provided for so well, that we should like to see them made the "especial charge" of their employers. We intend for the future, and we urge the same course upon all our readers, to throw out any bill that is laid on our table which does not include a fixed charge for service; and if all bills are rejected until such amendment is made, we have no doubt that the attempt to bring in such bills will be abolished everywhere, as it is already in all the best establishments. THE ENGLISH DON'T KNOW HOW TO AMUSE have not the fierce hussars, or the Abbés, or mounted Arabs, or those when transferred to the historical pages of the Illustrated News. We THEMSELVES." THE English know how to love, and hate, and drink, and fight; and they know well enough how to amass money, and make constitutions which are the envy and admiration of the world-but ". they do not know how to amuse themselves." So said MR. LAING, on Thursday last, at Penge Park, and we must say we do not agree with him. Why, look how the French have been amusing themselves lately! Haven't they been blessing eagles, and giving Fêtes, where the walls of the ball-rooms (cannon-ball-rooms rather) were hung with the beautiful drapery of war-drapery invariably lined with the deepest crimson ? magnificent Archevéques, or the same bearded and moustachioed background, with fireworks behind to throw them forward. We confess, our national amusements do not make such beautiful pictures, but we flatter ourselves that the letterpress, whose duty it is to explain the pictures, is of a much higher order of literature. The question is, which description will read the best in a few years' time? For instance, look to the amusements of last Thursday at Sydenham. They were as simple as possible, and with nothing military about them, excepting a band or two of music. They consisted merely of fixing a column in the earth, and of hanging, like garlands round a May-pole, a few flowery speeches round it. There was not a soldier present-there might have been a policeman, only we did not see him-and there were only one or two cannons, and they would have been much better out of That is the way the French amuse themselves. They collect a the way. Everything was as quiet, as orderly, as at a christening; hundred thousand soldiers and as many priests as they can together, and, in fact, it was a christening of the old Crystal Palace, which, on and the amusements consist alternately of cannonading and psalm- this occasion, was re-christened "THE PALACE OF THE PEOPLE." We singing. It is playing at soldiers-a very pretty, but expensive game-live in the strongest hope that the child will be in every way an honour of which the people have always to pay the expenses that princes may to its parent. pocket the glory-providing always there is any glory to pocket. Now, the Englishman, when he does amuse himself-and it is not often, poor fellow, he has a chance-does not like to have the eagle for a play-fellow. If he ever does look into the mouth of a cannon, it is as the sheep in LANDSEER'S picture, merely out of sheepish curiosity, to see what there is inside. He cares nothing for "Feasts of Eagles:" in fact, he would much sooner dine at any other table than feast with such carnivorous companions. In humiliating truth, our amusements have not the same melodramatic effect as those of the French. They would not, probably, look so well upon the stage. They certainly do not come out so grandly The great cause of Peace had every fitting honour paid to it on Thursday last at Sydenham. In its train followed some of the greatest celebrities of the day, all children of the people, who had come to assist at the christening of their new Palace. The Arts and Sciences, of course, were there, and gave the cause their blessing, until such time when they could give it something, if not more pure, at least more tangible. Literature, too, was there, and promised to devote its best pen to the service of the new principle, and Trade and Commerce had already sent off their ships to collect treasures to pour into the lap of their beautiful, but too long neglected child, as soon as its Palace was in a fit state to receive them. And the Poor advanced, and, opening |