Most of the betting-shops are about St. Martin's Lane. to call the patron Saint of the betting-shops "BETTY MARTIN," as that lady's name is generally invoked in matters of a doubtful tendency. The young clerk who frequents the Till will soon find his way to the Compter. The betting man is a downy-bird, that's generally found upon the turf, with black leg. "What's the odds so long as you're happy ?"-but we doubt if those odds are to be had at a berting-office.

P*

SPORTING EXTRAORDINARY-THE OLD DOG POINTS CAPITALLY.

"I TELL YER WOT IT IS, SAM! IF THIS FOOL OF A DOG IS A GOING TO STAND STILL LIKE THIS HERE IN EVERY FIELD HE COMES TO, WE MAY AS WELL SHUT UP SHOP, FOR WE SHAN'T FIND NO PARTRIDGES ! "

MYSTERIOUS DISTURBANCES IN DOWNING STREET.

in

CHARLEY'S MY DARLING.

We ourselves have often been struck by the melancholy appearance of poor CHARLES, upon whom the elements have inflicted two black eyes, by blowing into them a large accumulation of soot from the surrounding chimney-pots. As to his nose, we can only say that "not to put too fine a point upon it," it has dwindled to a pug; and the head of the monarch is so disfigured by dirt, that it will require a good deal of judicious chiselling, before the family resemblance to the chip of the old block will be perceptible.

HERE has been, for some time CHARLES THE FIRST-at Charing Cross-is once Ir seems that royalty as represented by past, considerable excitement more in danger; and some enthusiastic loyalist the neighbourhood of has been calling out, through that tremendous Downing Street, in conse- speaking trumpet, the Times, for a second Restoquence of strange and unac- ration. In this instance the Royal martyr will countable noises which have not be brought to the scaffold, but the scaffold been heard to proceed from will probably be brought to the Royal martyr. a portion of the building It seems that the pedestal is in such a dilapidated wherein the Exchequer Office state, that, unless CHARLES is established on a is situated. The sounds in firmer basis, the restoration will become imquestion consist chiefly of a possible. sort of humming noise, somewhat similar to the moaning of the wind so often heard, and producing so melancholy an effect, amid old ruins; but it has been observed that the humming continues, and indecd is loudest, when there is not a breath of air stirring. At intervals this mysterious murmur ceases, and a succession of groans, as if proceeding from some person engaged in painful exertion, is clearly audible. Some listeners positively state that, amid the con'used mixture of sounds, they have from time to time distinctly heard arithmetical numbers articulated; and they compare the whole effect upon the ear to the sort of buzzing that commonly proceeds from a parish school at work ciphering. Those who have read the "Seeress of Prevorst," and are aware of the spiritual and mystic relations of numbers, will probably be confirmed by this circumstance in referring these singular acoustic phenomena to a supernatural origin; but philosophers of a more material turn may probably surmise that the troubled spirit is no other than that of the living MB. DISRAELI, absorbed in the severe labour of getting up his budget, and calculating aloud.

A GREAT BALLOON CASE.

Before MR. PUNCH.

CONTRIBUTOR A 1. appeared before the magistrate to charge a public exhibitor and veteran aëronaut, named DISRAELI, with cruelty to a Protectionist donkey.

It appeared that MR. DISRAELI, who has been before the public for several years in various capacities,-having shot for a wager in Printing House Square at one time-having been engaged in the firework department at St. Stephen's-having then entered the ring against BOBBY PEEL-and subsequently gone about with a street telescope to let out for the inspection of distant objects-has been of late attached to the service of the eminent aëronaut DERBY. DERBY constructed, some time ago, a large balloon capable of containing in the car a considerable party, with the intention of rising to a height in sight of the public hitherto unattained by anybody of his class. It devolved on DISRAELI to manage the invention, and generally to provide whatever was likely to be attractive to the public.

Accordingly, the Balloon Cabinet was constructed, and the party to ascend formed-comprising JOHNNY MANNERS, a young man from the provinces, who had played minor parts in pastoral dramas for some years; the rustic, PAKINGTON; MALMESBURY, a man-miller, &c.; and the DISRAELI above-mentioned. The public expressed some doubts as to the safety of the trip, the weather being squally, and did not seem likely to encourage the project, when DISRAELI, anxious to provide attraction, hit on the plan of carrying up a Protectionist donkey attached to the balloon.

The Protectionist donkey belongs to a curious breed, not yet extinct in this country, and concerning which naturalists are divided in opinion. Everybody admits that it is a variation of the common British ass-but the laws of its production, and the reason of its extraordinary permanence as a separate type, have given rise to much speculation.

The Rights of Hospitality.

By a Regular Diner-out.

HOSPITALITY, like property, has its duties as well as its rites, and I mean to say that it is the bounden duty of a man, if he invites you to dine with him, to give you a good dinner.

AGRICULTURAL DISTRESS.

IT is positively quite distressing to see, all about Belgrave Square, how the calves that a month ago were in such good condition, are wasting away, ever since the footmen have been on board wages.

Mr. Punch. This is an extraordinary case. What does the defendant say to the charge of cruelty?

Disraeli denied that the animal suffered any pain. He knew the donkey well (a laugh); it was insensible to its situation.

Contributor A 1 remarked that the animal landed after each exhibition in a high state of perspiration, and trembling

Disraeli (interrupting). That's nothing. He has done that at many a gallop in Buckinghamshire.

"Contributor A 1 submitted that this was an unusual state of agitation of the animal. He did not deny that it was used to strange treatment, but there were bounds beyond which animal experiment ought not to be allowed to go. Why, they had a bag of corn dangling before it, but out of reach, which it hurt itself in stretching for. Was it not so?

Disraeli. It was looming in the future (a laugh).

Contributor A1. Besides, your worship, this balloon never takes a flight without high danger to the public, as well as to the donkey. It goes up irrespective of weather. It fell in the other day with a gale from the Atlantic. It risks breezes from the North. And in emergencies, it flings out grappling-irons anywhere, and will lay hold of church, or a farmer's dwelling indifferently, to the high danger of both. Disraeli. The Semitic element

a

Mr. Punch. I do not doubt that the Semitic element has a relation to the donkey; but, without going further into the matter, enough has been shown to prove to me that the Protectionist donkey suffers from the purposes he has been recently put to, by your party. I must, therefore, caution you against any future abuse of the kind.

DISRAELI was understood to say that he was tired of the donkey, and would throw him overboard when occasion offered; but, owing to his unintelligible manner of speaking, the exact purport of his words was not discernible. The Court then rose.

WRONG ON THE FACE OF IT.

We cannot believe this of a noble nation like France; for, under their
WE have seen a little book with the title of "French made Easy.”
present despotic ruler, we should say it was decidedly the FRENCH
MADE UNEASY."

On a certain day, in pursuance of his object, DISRAELI attached to the balloon an animal of this species. The beast was suspended by fastenings invented by the aeronaut (technically called bonds of the agricultural interest) and its legs dangled loose in the air. As the balloon went up with the aëronauts seated in it, it hung suspended in a ludicrous and painful manner, while the man DISRAELI sat upon it, nay, went through strange gesticulations on its back. The spectacle was MISSING, since the 15th of October, 1851, the Surplus Fund of the highly attractive, particularly to rustics.

Great Exhibition. Any information concerning the above will be gratefully received by the Nation.

SOME ACCOUNT OF MY TRAVELS

IN SEARCH OF SELF-GOVERNMENT.

BY ONE OF THE OLD SCHOOL.

must be drains, it is clear that the old four-foot brick sewers are the thing for these neighbourhoods. It is true they do not carry off the filth, but then they afford comfortable accommodation to the blacking brushes, brickbats, and old hats. Besides, their construction furnishes work to the honest builder, while their frequent repairs give employment to a respectable and hard-working class of artisans.

Nothing can more clearly show how wicked and groundless are the UNCH, I am a man and a charges against the Water Companies than a perambulation of these Briton. I have been brought localities. Scarcely a court but has its stand-pipe at the bottom. In up with a profound respect order to save trouble to the inhabitants the water is turned on by a for our glorious Constitution main-cock, and flows for a stipulated time (often as long as an hour and in Church and State; and that a half!) never less than twice a week, often three times, and, occasionrespect extends to our glorious ally, even daily, while the pipes over the water-butts are free from all Constitution in Local Govern- complicated apparatus of taps, and run while the water is on, of themment also. Yes, glorious conselves, as it were, and all for the same time. As the landlords exercise stitutions we Britons must be their British privilege of providing butts of all sizes, of course the small admitted to have, and precious ones run over before the large ones are filled. It may be said that much hard work we give our consti- water is wasted in this way, and that much dampness of walls and tutions, all three of them. foundations is thus occasioned. But what a brilliant confutation does There was Catholic Emancipa- the practice afford of the charge of niggard supply brought against these tion-what a wrench that gave public-spirited Companies! They stint the poor in water! Why, there our glorious Constitution in is not one of these courts where they don't let twice as much run to Church-not to speak of the waste as is used. Test and Corporation Acts, just before. How any but a chosen for these water-butts. Conscious of the importance of the Again, there is an admirable thoughtfulness shown in the position really wonderful Constitution supply of water being kept near the spot where it is to be thrown away in Church could have stood when done with, the water-butt is generally placed within a foot or two such inroads I leave it to the of the open cesspool. Sanitary enthusiasts may tell us that it there candour of FATHER NEWMAN imbibes poisonous gases, and becomes dangerous to use; but do they to judge. Then, as for our consider the comfort of the poor over-worked housewife, who by this glorious Constitution in State -as it has survived the Re-arrangement is enabled to draw the water she wants with one hand, form Bill and the Repeal of while she empties what she has fouled with the other? the Corn Laws, I think one may say it is proof against

www most attacks.

I was sorry to find, however, that even in these favoured districts that despotic and un-English body, the Commissioners of Sewers, had been at work recklessly covering over the open ditches, which for centuries have formed such convenient channels for the carrying off of Happily our glorious Con- house refuse-with no more trouble than the emptying of a slop-pail, or stitution in Local Government the thrust of a besom-and have put down, along their course, ridiculous has not yet been so severely and insignificant tubular drains, of some five or even six inches Private Bill diameter!

tried as either of our other glorious Constitutions.
legislation, with its attendant bulwarks of Parliamentary fees, Parlia-

mentary agents, and Parliamentary counsel, still secures the Briton's their impertinent intrusion, the independent landlord is still master of It is gratifying, however, to be able to record that, notwithstanding inestimable privilege of self-government-that is, government for his own property, and has, in most cases, acted up to his rights by self-in contra-distinction from the communistic principle of govern- refusing to put down house-drains to communicate with the childish ment for one's neighbour. The Public Health Act, however, has tubular arrangements of the Commissioners, while the formalities with commenced an insidious attack on this holy principle, so admirably which a provident legislature has fenced round any attempt at compuldefended by MR. TOULMIN SMITH; and a good many other dangerous sion by this abominable central Board, effectually prevent them from measures, such as the Baths and Wash-houses Act, the Common forcing the independent proprietor to avail himself of their theoretical Lodging-Houses Act, and the Nuisances Removal Act, are all pipes, which thus remain unused, monuments of the ineffectual formidable allies of the first-mentioned revolutionary statute. assaults of ever encroaching centralisation. Happily, however, they have not done much mischief yet, but they have inserted the small end of the wedge; and if Britons don't take care, they will find their cesspools drained, their ash-pits invaded, their refuse carried away-no one knows whither, their water-butts abolished, their gullies trapped, and that sacred principle of "doing what they like with their own" trampled under foot on every side, by some poking Officer of Health or audacious Inspector of Nuisances.

same spirit which resisted the imposition of ship-money, is still battling These are facts which make one proud of one's countrymen. The against compulsory drainage, and many a Lambeth Hampden is, even now, Waging a modest but heroic warfare against the Caroline prerogatives of the Sewers Commissioners.

Against the national importance of cultivating this sturdy spirit, Still, though the evil is imminent in the country, London may be General? What is it to me that fever is never absent from these places what use is it to quote the statistics of a despotic and central Registrar said to be comparatively safe. The successful struggle made by the-that infants do not rear, and men die before their time-that sickness Water and Cemetery Companies last session, shows that Parliament is engenders pauperism-that filth breeds depression, and depression awake to the levelling and dangerous principles of the so-called drives to drink? What do you mean by telling me that cholera slew "Sanitary Reformers," and that vested interests are still properly in Rotherhithe its 205 victims in every 10,000, in St. Olave its 181, in represented in the legislature.

I am happy to be able to confirm, by personal experience, the inference drawn from our legislation in these matters.

St. Saviour's its 153, in Lambeth its 120, while in the Strand it carried off only 35, in Kensington 33, in Marylebone 17, and in Hampstead 8, out of the same number? Still, British landlords did what they liked It is in the metropolis that we must look for the most striking exhibi- with their own, and self-government is unimpaired. The satellites and tion of the blessings of our great Anglo-Saxon principle of self-govern- slaves of an encroaching centralisation are kept at arm's length, and if ment. Determined to view it in some of its proudest manifestations, they have succeeded in putting down sewers, at least we have triumphed, I spent the other day in their investigation, through those cheerful and in not laying our house-drains into 'em. odoriferous districts - St. Olave's, St. George's Southwark, St. Saviour's, Rotherhithe, and Lambeth. I am happy to say that through- in the country (where I regret to see the hateful Public Health Act It is with pride, therefore, I repeat, that whatever may be the case out these districts self-government is flourishing. The Inspector of seems to be extending its ravages), in London we are still enjoying the Nuisances is rarely seen, or when seen is treated with the contempt he enormous, the invaluable privilege of self-government, and that if deserves, as the minion of a central despotism fulminating its unre- Epidemic Cholera should visit us again, we may confidently show him to garded edicts from somewhere or other. Even the scavenger is a rare his old haunts in 1832 and 1849, and so convince him that, in this free bird of passage hero, and when he does come, his ministrations are country, he, too, is at liberty "TO DO WHAT HE LIKES WITH HIS OWN." chiefly confined, as is right and proper, to the streets where the inhabitants are respectable, and can remunerate him adequately for his trouble. In courts, where filth is only removed to be replaced, what is the use of a scavenger?

"Why Don't you Speak Out!"

The levelling uniformity of "system" is, throughout these districts, scouted with that independence which belongs to the British character. FROM the impossibility of making our present Ministers say what Every landlord drains his premises as he likes, and in many cases does they mean-or even, what they do not mean-the observation that not drain at all. What good reason can there be, he very properly was once made by TALLEYRAND of a celebrated Nobody, may with asks, for putting down drains for a set of tenants who will use them as equal point be turned round upon them-" Ces Messieurs ont un grand repositories for blacking brushes, brickbats, and old hats? If there talent pour le silence."

SIR,

THE most valuable of tributes that any one can bestow is the praise of a true man; the next best is the abuse of a false knave. You have rendered the very highest homage-which it is in your power to render-to the memory of our great DUKE.

While every sound-hearted person in the kingdom is extolling the heroic devotion to right, the generous disinterestedness and selfsacrifice for which our departed Chief was ever distinguished, you, on the contrary, say-yelping :

"There was not an atom of chivalry about the Duke. He did what he was paid for, and he did it well; but he did nothing more."

True Irishman that you are!-of the CAHILL and MAC HALE breed. WELLINGTON himself, indeed, was an Irishman-of the other sort. And then you howl on thus:

"There was no heart in his fighting. He was the beau idéal of one of those Swiss

commanders, who led their countrymen under the standard of the Dutch against the Hottentots or Carribs."

Nation of shopkeepers-yes! Vagabonds and thieves of the world that work for the "dhirty shilling," instead of borrowing it when they want it, liko gentlemen. The Duke was so "palthry" as to pay his weekly bills. He was mane enough to be positively respectable. Just the "could, calculating," spiritless creature to be admired by a "nation of shopkeepers." Precisely so:-the rather that he was not "evolved" by the "nation of shopkeepers," but by the other nation. And now for the climax of your cry from the kennel :

"WELLINGTON never laboured for a moment under the delusion that makes young and generous hearts consider the pride, pomp, and circumstance of war as something glorious and ennobling. He was no boiling enthusiast-he was cold, rigid, and calculating-in a word, the Iron Duke."

No. WELLINGTON never conceived that there is anything to admire in simply encountering or inflicting death or mutilation. Nor did any delusion induce him to regard drums and fifes, colours, uniforms and parades, either in themselves or in their relation to carnage, as glorious and ennobling." What he did consider ennobling and glorious was, to fight to the death-if need were not for fighting's sake, not for vulgar applause, not for the renown of a big bully, not treasonably under a foreign standard, but for the sake of that country which now blesses his memory-profaned by a small ignoble animal. He was no "boiling enthusiast;" no, indeed: but there is an enthusiasm which is above boiling point, though it does not bubbleand does not evaporate. This enthusiasm says "Up Guards and at them!" at the proper time: but does not shout "Faugh-a-ballagh' intensely offends its moral nose! Faugh! The enthusiasm which you though occasionally Faugh! without "a-ballagh" when something have excited by your filthy outrage against the Dead almost chokes

"

PUNCH.

RECRUITING FOR THE "LONE STAR."

SCENE.-A Trapper's Camp on the Banks of the Gila.
SPEAKER.-MR. WILLIAM RUBE, alias PLUMCENTRE BILL.

WAAL B'ys, when yer have skinned yer ears, jist lend them all to me,
For byur's a cute old hoss, I guess, has got a grand idee;
Since Beaver down to Taos now arn't worth a pleu a plug,
It's time this child war lookin' out elseweres for suffin snug.
This crittur's sick of Injun ways, and all their pesky dealins,
Wolf mutton nohow don't agree with this here niggur's feelins;
And so I'll make back tracks before the Pashes raise my hair.

Here, however, we must try back a little with your invective, We trappers was som pumkins wunst, but things arn't as they were, which just previously has run in the following strain :

"Were we still following the standards of France-were we still as of old shouting

Faugh-a-ballagh under the bright emblazonry of the silken banners of hostile countries -were our exiled countrymen shouting and bleeding, as a hundred years ago, foremost and vociferous in the armies of the French monarch, as when they pitched their tents beside the foaming Elbe and the rapid Iser-when they bivouacked in the glens of the Alps, and bled upon the margins of the Padus, what would have been the consequence? The field of Waterloo might have been another Fontenoy."

I'll jine them coons, who 're gwine this fact down every throat to cram, That all this Western heap of airth belongs to UNCLE SAM; A noshun wich them Spaniards kinder ortn't to condemn, For what they gev the Injuns wunst, we 're gwine to giv to them. Characters like you, should, it is proverbially said, have good So, if they show their sassy airs, I raally shouldn't wonder memories. Yours is so treacherous, that in writing one sentence you If some on 'em should then be obligated to go under, forget the other that you penned immediately before. What manner For Kill B'ar shouts plumcentre quite, and when I gits a sight, of soldiers were the Swiss ? and what difference was there between Darn me if I can hold him in, his trigger is so light. those mercenaries and the "exiled countrymen" to whom you allude, as "shouting and bleeding" in foreign pay-except, perhaps, that the Swiss were not so remarkable for shouting "Faugh-a-ballagh," or any other nonsense, and were, however, equally forward in action, not

so vociferous?

But to return to your vituperation of the DUKE:

soldier."

"He was, in a word, a DUGALD DALGETTY, without the vain boasting of that hireling Ah, Paddy-you dog!-a little vain boasting-a spice of rhodomontade, a smack of balderdash-Faugh-a-ballagh!-Whurroo!-a touch of nature, just to make us kin-would have been a redeeming featurewouldn't it?

Whurroo! Hoo!-You open again on the dead Lion :

"He served a commercial people steadily, rigidly, soberly, regularly, just as a commercial people like to be served; it was such generals as WELLINGTON-men of a trading quakerly turn of mind, without any of that nobility of character, without a single particle of that ennobling romance which extenuates the faults and endears the memory of the GODFREYS of old and the MURATS of modern times-men like WELLINGTON carried the banner of Carthage into the llanos of Spain."

No, small Pat, there was no romance about the DUKE OF WEL LINGTON; no romance of your sort. Truth, howling Paddy, was his grand quality; reality, which the highest romance-not your romanceonly imagines: this he acted out, shaming the "dhivil," and all the dhivil's crew, or pack of hounds. A man of a quakerly turn of mind!" -Irish traitors will be sorry if our defence against foreign foes shall

Yes! We're the Suns of Freedom, and the airs of all the West;
We'll keep this half of airth, and leave the Britishers the rest:
And if agin our lorful rites they dare to make a head,
And say we arn't the raal right grit-Wagh! won't we give 'em lead
And when our knives and guns have proved the justice of our cause,
We'll show them Spanish goneys the buties of our lors,
Till the unenlightened varmint shall one and all agree
That our larning and our manners have tort 'em to be free.
With the hosses of Kentucky (them chaps of COLONEL BOONE'S),
The Buckeyes of Ohio, and the Missisippi Coons,
The Corn cobs of New Hampshire, and the 'kansas Ringtailed roarers
Are united in one mighty band of peaceable explorers.

And when the stars and stripes o'er the Western world shall wave,
Our free, peeowrful nation, so vartuous and brave,
Careering for'ards, right on eend, shall seem to each admirer,
Like some great Buffler, makin' tracks, across the vast parairer!

Definitions from a New Napoleon Dictionary. EMPIRE, s. The Empire-as France under NAPOLEON BUONAPARTE. EMPIRER, v. n. To grow worse-as France under LOUIS NAPOLEON.