AN OLD GENTLEMAN, ANXIOUS THAT HIS WIFE SHOULD POSSESS SOME TRIFLE FROM THE GREAT EXHIBITION OF 1851, PURCHASES (AMONGST OTHER THINGS) THE STUFFED ELEPHANT, AND THE MODEL OF THE DUDO. HOW TO POLISH BOOTS.-Take Boots from the "Black Swan' or the "Marquis of Granby;" give him a liberal education, and the society of ladies. BRIEFLESS ON THE PROFESSION OF THE LAW.-Briefless says, the Law is certainly a profession, for with him it is anything but a Practice! LEGAL REASONS. LADIES are not allowed to practise at the Bar; and the reason is, because, from their proverbial love of talking, it was deemed utterly impossible for any Lady to keep her terms. At the same time the reason why Barristers wear gowns, is because it was thought that a gown was the best thing to enable a Barrister to acquire a habit of talking. LOVE AND MUSIC. If Music were the food of Love, as it is said to be, every prudent person would marry for love, though it is not easy to imagine ourselves eating with our ears; nor can one, without some difficulty, fancy one's self breakfasting off an overture,lunching on a ballad, dining on a symphony, and taking tea, or supping off a polka or a fugue. Most of us would also think it very odd if we were asked whether we should like a few crotchets for dinner. CHILD'S DISSOLVING VIEWS. That rubbing his cheeks with the cat's tail will promote the growth of whiskers. That pigeon's milk is a marketable commodity. That strap-oil is good for sharpening penknives. That School is the happiest time of his life. ADULTERATION OF TEA. As an excuse for "facing" tea with black lead, it will, perhaps, be urged, that the process of black-leading communicates a grate-ful flavour. THE TIGHTEST KNOT IN THE WORLD.-The Matrimonial Knot, once tied, never can be untied; and the worst is that, like the Gordian Knot, you cannot even cut it. THE FORTUNE OF WAR.-The charge of the British troops is objected to by the financial economists in peace, and in war by the enemy. APRIL.-THE ARTIST GIVES THE FINISHING TOUCH TO HIS PICTURE. HE HAS BEEN SO BUSY THAT HE HAS NOT EVEN BEEN ABLE TO GET HIS HAIR CUT. FAST DAYS. THR following are the pri cipal Fast Days during the usual current year : Days of Calls to the Bar, when young gentlemen are invested with the barrister's wig and gown. Days of Passing the College of Surgeons and the Apothecaries' Hall, by medical aspirants. Days when Legacies of Maiden Aunts drop in. Birth-days, and (occasionally) Anniversaries of Marriage. Fast Days begin at any hour after breakfast, and terminate "next morning." MORE DEFINITIONS." SERVANT.- One who sells his will to swell the will of another. AMERICA.-A spirited lad who beat his big brother for bullying him, but who will join him as partner in business when they both become men. THE NATURE OF GREEK What the celebrated Greek Fire was is not exactly known; but it seems to have resembled Irish impudence, inasmuch as it could never be put out. Strange, however. that the extreme of heat should be comparable to the height of coolness. ADVANTAGES OF JOLLITY. What's the odds so long as you 're happy ?-Ten to one in your favour. A RHYME FOR THE F GOODS and Mail to water: And Express came rattling after. FACT IN ANIMAL An Alderman, being mesmerised, was found to be clairvoyant on placing a pair of spectacles on the pit of his stomach. Ir a foreigner were told that many a poor curate struggled and starved upon £40 ayear for doing the work of a Rector who frequently had £4000, what would he say of the English Church? -"Shameful In-acuracy!" (Inaccuracy.) DRIVING WITHOUT A LICENSE.-There is no legal penalty for driving PEGASUS without a license; nor do we know where a poetical license can be taken out. "THE GAY AND FESTIVE CIRCLE."The Circle at Astley's -with WIDDICOMB in the centre of it. REMARKABLE DAYS. May the First is still the holiday of the sweeps; although we know of no sweeps in these days but the Derby Sweeps, which belong to a very dirty business. June has no remarkable day, but the 28th, which may be called the crowning one of the year; for it is the anniversary of the Coronation of VICTORIA. STOKER SCHOOLING.-Whatever may be the more advanced grammatical attainments of our Railway-engine men, it seems clear, at any rate, that they must be thoroughly well "up" in Accidenee. VINGT-UN-A game that some ladies will not give up, even when they are thirty. A CRY OF "STOP." Ir is high time, sensible persons began to cry out, that the abuses of the City Corporation and its enormous revenues should be put a stop to. The Corporation listened, and, wishing to respond to the cry, did put a stop, for the moment, to its enormous revenues. But, then, the stop was far from being a full stop-for it only put another Coal-on. CHEMISTRY OF THE KITCHEN-Dripping, according to Chemistry, is a fixed animal oil; and yet most Housekeepers complain that it quickly evaporates. WHO is it who is always expecting quarter, and yet never gives any ?-The Taxgatherer. |