John Bull (quizzically). "I'M NOT SURE, MASTER PRINCE PRESIDENT, THAT IT'S RIGHT TO ALLOW FOREIGN REFUGEES TO LAND IN ENGLAND." THE INVASION PANIC. OUR seaside correspondence is written with evidently such trembling hands, that it is scarcely legible; but we have been able to gather from it the following particulars. At Gravesend, the painting of the Bathing-Machines is looked upon as an indication of alarm, on the part of the authorities; and it is said that each machine is to be fitted with a gun-to protect the bathers in the brackish waters that lave the mud-bound shores of that laughing locality. One of the defensive measures about to be taken will, it is said, be the raising of the prices at Tivoli, to render it more difficult of access; and NATHAN's proud BARON will, it is said, dance his celebrated egg hornpipe every night, so that there may be plenty of shells always ready to hurl at the enemy, The panic is not confined to the Kentish Coasts, but it has extended to the very skirts of the Bristol Channel, and the proceedings of the Board of Health-who have sent a Sapper into Clifton to take an observation-have given rise to observations of an alarming character. The gallant fellow who is posted on the tower of Clifton Church is looked up to with a sort of awful interest, for he is supposed to have been raised to his present elevated position with a view to his obtaining a good view of the movements on the Bristol Channel. Whenever he descends to his meals he is beset by all sorts of questions, which he answers with a sort of sour brevity, and pointing to his surveying instrument, he reduces every inquiry that is made of him to the same dumpy level. Cabinet Intelligence. THE SYRIO-LEBANON FAMILY (late of the Egyptian Hall and the Holy Land) left their cards upon the new CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER yesterday. It is not yet confidently known whether they will have seats in the Cabinet-but, considering the Syrians generally sit cross-legged on the floor, it is perfectly immaterial to the SYRIOLEBANON FAMILY whether they have seats in the Cabinet or not, as long as they are accommodated each with a piece of carpet.-The Observer, improved upon by Punch. A SUM FOR THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER.-Deduct SIR CHARLES WOOD from BENJAMIN DISRAELI, and show that a just Income Tax remains. "RICHARD MIDDLETON, a youth, and hired servant to MR. JOB LOUSLEY, of Hampstead Norris, was charged with not attending his church twice on Sunday, Feb. 1st, in accordance with the agreement ntered into when he was hired. with the farm servants, but the boys had several times behaved bad,' and done much "MR. LOUSLEY informed the Bench, that he always attended church twice on Sundays mischief, ard MIDDLETON had refused to go to church more than once on a Sunday.The boy pleaded guilty to the charge. "The Bench said, that as he had entered into a contract when hired to attend divine seasonable advice, ordered him to pay the expenses, 7s. 6d., which were to be abated service twice on Sundays, he could not break the agreement, and after giving him some from his wages, 6d. per week." Worships were right in entertaining it. DICK MIDDLETON, having Absurd, however, as the above charge may seem, their Berkshire hired himself to perform, among other labours, that of going to church twice on Sundays, was as much bound to fulfil that obligation as to drive the horses, work in the fields, sweep the stables, or feed the pigs of MR. LOUSLEY. True, RICHARD, by going bodily to church, and being mentally elsewhere, would not have attended divine service. But he was not had up for not attending divine service, but for neglecting MR. LOUSLEY'S service. What service he could have rendered that gentleman by the mere display of his person in the sacred edifice, it may be for us to inquire, but it is not for MR. LOUSLEY to him to go to church according to his bond, and do his duty toanswer, unless he chooses. The loss of 7s. 6d. will now probably teach MR. LOUSLEY. Vox Populi in Paris. AN entire change has taken place in the political cries of Paris. Instead of Vive la République! Vive la Liberté! &c., the people now shout Vive le coup d'état! Vive le fusillade! Vive la confiscation! Vive la déportation! Vivent les Jésuites! A bas la liberté! A bas la Presse! whilst the soldiers halloo, Vivent les saucissons! Vive le champagne! and the climax of all these cries is, Vive l'Empereur! MORALS OF "THE MAHOGANY." MR. PUNCH DISCOURSES WITH AN "M.P." ABOUT TO VISIT PARIS. 1. Dinner is an arbitrary term. It may mean a mess for a dog; it may comprehend the noblest work of man. Q. Do you then conceive dinner to be the test of civilisation? Q. Does feeling or morality enter into the composition of a dinner? Q. State your grounds of impossibility. 4. Feeling and morality, according to the last anatomical discoveries, and conventional figures of speech, dwell in the heart and in the brain. Q. Granted. Proceed with your impossibility. 4. The heart is a hollow muscle, and does no work of digestion, neither does it taste: the brain is an organ of two hemispheres, united by a corpus callosum, an organ that digests not, neither does it taste. Ergo, feeling and morality are independent of the act of dining-of the ceremony denominated dinner. Q. Man is then a free agent to dine or not dine with whomsoever may invite him? 4. Assuredly such would be my definition of Free Will. : Q. But how, if the man be "commanded" to dine? A. He then treads his Free Will under his feet, drawing on his patent leather boots. Q. This supposes that the "command" issues from the head of the State, whatever that Head may be, and whatever the State it denominates? 1. Suppose it. Well? Q. And I will suppose you "commanded" by his cannibal Majesty to dinner. Would you dine? 4. No; but understand me, only for this reason no other. I should respectfully shirk that "command," lest I should be called upon to supply my own joint. Q. But otherwise you are unprejudiced-open to any other command? 4. So much so, old boy, that only look in the Moniteur next week, and you'll see I've knife-and-forked it, by "command," at the Tuileries. THE BŒUF GRAS, AGRICULTURE, AND PROTECTION. What if this same figure of Agriculture is only a Show figure, merely introduced to swell the procession that carried the Protectionist party into power! And what if, the Show now being over, Agriculture was taken down from its elevation, and put aside, until wanted for some similar occasion! But these speculations as to whether Agriculture will be retained or discarded-whether Corn is to be the great war-chariot of the Protectionists or not-are scarcely worth consideration. The Boeuf Gras procession was only a three days' wonder; and we do not think the DERBY Ministry will last much longer. AIR-"A Temple of Friendship." NICE Devill'd Biscuit," said JENKINS, enchanted, "I'll have after dinner the thought is divine!" The biscuit was bought, and he now only wantedTo fully enjoy it-a glass of good wine. He flew to the pepper, and And down to be grill'd to "Oh! how," said the Cook, I this think of can But here's the Cayenne; if my master is willing, So the Footman ran up with the Cook's observation, "Oh, go to the devil!" forgetting his station, A CRY FROM THE POSTMAN. "MR. PUNCH,-You have always said your best for the postman: give us a few words at this writing. The Act-or Order in Councilor whatever it is-has come in which allows folks to send books at 6d. a pound from one end of the country to the other. Well, this is all right enough; and I don't mean to complain; but I must ask who is to carry 'em? 66 My walk 's in a neighbourhood of everlasting readers. I know it, I shall have a hundred volumes a day to deliver; and is there to be no extra pay a week for bent back and worn shoe-leather? "Once I called myself a postman; but with this new regulation for delivery of books of all sorts, I must, Mr. Punch-(again asking your Two great events astonished-for we can scarcely say, delighted-good word for a little extra pay)-sign myself The one in London was the entry into power of the DERBY Both events, however, were distinguished with the same characteristics. Agriculture was the leading feature of them both. In the Boeuf Gras procession, Agriculture rode in a chariot drawn by six white horses. She stood, almost concealed, in a mock field of corn, and in her hand was a sickle, as if she were going then and there to gather in the harvest. And in the Grand DERBY Procession has not Agriculture also been made the most prominent figure, and does not the party which it represents, stand involved up to its eyes in Corn? It has all its instruments ready, and is provided with a large number of hands eager to do whatever Agriculture bids them; but it is yet doubtful what kind of harvest the Corn question will yield, and everyone is afraid to lay a hand upon it. 66 Yours, A Two-LEGGED CIRCULATING LIBRARY." "P. S. I've heard it said that each of us is to be allowed a light pony chaise for our delivery: but if this is really too good to be thought of, mayn't we have a donkey and panniers ? " Easy Little Sums for our New Chancellor of the Exchequer. Two and two make four. What is the Square of 16? If Shrimps cost three-halfpence a pint, what will three quarts come to? What will be the half-year's Interest upon a sum of £300, in the 34 per Cents? If the circulation of the "Base Exception amounts as high as 811 at the end of the month, how many copies does it sell daily? If a young lady takes a silver fork and spoon to school with her, What if this same corn-field should turn out, as in the Boeuf Gras calculate the chances of her parents ever seeing them back again? cortège, nothing but a mock field of corn made up of printed papers and If the subscribers of the Gentleman's Magazine are, respectively, Parliamentary returns, richly coloured with the golden hue of promise! 179, 83, 87, 94, and 106 years old, what do their united ages amount to? ROADS IN THE BUSH. (Vide the Duke's Speech, February 5, 1852.) Of bruising heads and cracking bones, Will find the Zooloos breaking stones. To find that, tamed, and dressed, and taught, And, coming to a road-side inn, In some lone district, wild and hilly, Will read upon the creaking sign, "The SMITH'S Head, kept by Old SANDILLI." So let it be! We welcome peace, In this or any other shape, And hope by plans like these, that we May, BON GREY, MAL GREY, keep the Cape. B WHEN HE GOES A SCHOOL FOR MINISTERS. It would be an excellent speculation just now, for some enterprising bookseller to bring out a series of ministerial Primers or Horn-books for Statesmen just entering on the study of the art of Government. Many of the new Cabinet would have to begin with the very A, B, C, of official education; and whether they will ever get beyond their alphabet is a doubt, for it is not likely they will have a very long spell of their present positions. A sort of official Infants' School, where the Members of the New Cabinet might be instructed in the rudiments of their new art, would be an excellent addition just now to our public establishments. One of the first classes formed ought, perhaps, to be a drawing class, to teach the ministerial pupils how to draw their first quarter's salary. POLITICAL CRICKET.-The celebrated cricketer, MANNERS, is going to have an innings at last. colleague, LORD MALMESBURY: and whatever may be the fate of the Ministry, DISRAELI will, at least, have deserved well of his country. We, at all events, hope he may prove himself equal-notwithstanding his wit-to the mysteries of L. S. D., and that his wisdom of the pen, or penny wisdom, will not turn out to be pound foolishness. THE PAROCHIAL REFUGEE QUESTION. ENJAMIN DISRAELI, the new Let him also propose the abolition of all the taxes on knowle lge--a step which will gain him the approbation of all who are employed in disseminating knowledge; a pretty considerable power for a Minister to have in his favour. He may relieve the Agricultural interest by an equalisation of the poor-rates-a peculiar hobby of his |