THE POETICAL COOKERY BOOK. BROILED BEEF-STEAK. AIR-"The Maid of Llangollen." THOUGH humble the dish, or I should say the plate, My meat from the butcher I cheerfully take, When a delicate brown it's beginning to take, shall see. should venture to exert authority in a diocese legitimately "governed" by ARCHBISHOP WISEMAN, or one of his suffragans. On the supposition that the reverend gentleman really pins his faith and practice to the mould of medieval superstition, whilst holding preferment in the English Church; it would be advisable for him to take due care that his candles are composite, in order that they may correspond to the pinchbeck Popery which Puseyism may be defined to be. It is, we believe, a custom, more or less general, in the Romish Church, to put skulls upon the altar on the 2nd of November. Let the pastor of Hursley feed his flock with turnips instead of skulls. Let him burn his candles in turnip-lanterns; not, however, on the 2nd of November, but on the 5th; and instead of sticking them up in the Church, let him place them in the churchyard. PARLIAMENTARY ARRANGEMENTS. THE famous "Rump Parliament" will have a rival in celebrity, and partly in name, in the present House of Commons, which, in consequence of its memorable debate on the subject of dining, will go down to posterity as the Rump-Steak Parliament. The Arms of the Sergeant-at-Arms will henceforth be a knife and fork. The Table of the House will be supplied with all the delicacies of the Session. Bills of Fare will take precedence of all other Motions. We intend shortly to publish biographies of the leading Members, with plates. And sit down as hungry as hungry can be To the Beef-steak and onions all smoking for me. ROMAN CANDLES IN HAMPSHIRE. WE extract the following joke from the Winchester intelligence of the Hampshire Independent : "NEW LIGHTS ON THE PATH TO ROME.-The large candles which the REV. J. KEBLE, of Hursley, keeps burning on the altar of the Parish Church during Morning Service. Perhaps the BISHOP OF WINCHESTER will look in to be enlightened on the subject some Sunday morning." Since however, our Southampton contemporary and conjoculator publishes this statement as a piece of actual news, and considering that there is nothing to hinder the truth from being told in fun, as HORACE implies, and somebody else, who for modesty's sake shall be nameless, exemplifies; we suppose the thing stated is put forward as matter of fact. Nevertheless, taking the fact for granted, we cannot take it quite seriously, because it suggests some conceptions which are somewhat ludicrous. We imagine the hiant visages of the Hursley rustics -Hampshiremen-staring at their clergyman's fireworks; and the COMMONS (Cries of Oh! Oh!). A Pious Fraud. broad Doric accents wherein, doubtless, these honest countrymen THE SPEAKER OF THE NEW HOUSE OF (ANYTHING BUT SHORT) exclaim, "What the plyaague be they there canduls vor?" The inutility and extravagance of burning daylight must be even more obvious to the swains of this Hampshire Tempe than to the more cultivated, but, especially on foggy days, less enlightened inhabitants of Pimlico. We would recommend MR. KEBLE, if he is in such a state of mind as to have lights in his church of a morning-in order that the unnecessary illumination may do good to one, at least, of his parishioners-to appoint the parish simpleton his candle-snuffer. Such a functionary would be quite a suitable accessory to provincial church-theatricals. We dare say a proper person could be found to fill the office. In almost every parish there is a simpleton: where the parson is a Puseyite, there are usually two. A CORRESPONDENT writes to complain of the French authorities having seized a mince-pie he had despatched to his children in a copy of Punch. We do not sympathise with the sender, who deserved to lose his pie for having made our publication the medium for containing any matters at all minced. THE BREEZE IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS. We don't say that MR. KEBLE is a Puseyite-unless he burns matutinal candles. But if he does patronise the tallow-chandler in that and MR. REID about ventilation, bas actually amounted to an exchange We are sorry to perceive that the difference between MR. BARRY superfluous manner-why, he affects a Popish fashion. Now-we would speak to a Puseyite as to an old lady-is not Popery improper? of blows! Will you-a respectable gentlewoman-adopt a fashion strikingly peculiar to those whom you regard as improper people? If, in your opinion, Papists are not such, follow their fashions altogether; be THE lawyers are about to form themselves into a rifle corps, for cochineal all over: don't burn candles only, but burn MR. CHARLES which they are well fitted by their peculiar practice, and their quickness RICHARD SUMNER too, if, as the Hampshire Independent suggests, hel in discovering the objects that are worth powder and shot. I* THE BAR MILITANT. Ir is all very well to say that BRITANNIA rules the seas; but, however great her domain over the salt water, her power over the fresh is extremely limited, as may be seen by the following announcement:"The Britannia unmoored, and made everything ready for sailing, when it was discovered that she was short of water, and signal was made to the Victory, 'Require the repeal of the Ecclesias-90 tons of water.'" tical Titles Bill. In this Poor BRITANNIA must be in a bad way when she has so little control "But, inasmuch as the claiming and exercise of such jurisdiction is forbidden by the statute already named, the bishops of the Catholic Church have been reduced by the said statute to the painful necessity of either systematically violating the law, or else of refusing to their flocks those offices which are necessary to their salvation." How were the spiritual needs of the Roman Catholics supplied before September, 1850? Why cannot their ecclesiastical rulers return to their old position as Vicars Apostolic-let the word be "As you were ?" Oh! it will be replied, his HOLINESS can't alter his arrangements. The question, then, is, whether the POPE OF ROME is to adapt his regulations to the laws of England, or the laws of England are to be adapted to the ordinances of the POPE OF ROME? We shall see. SHAKSPEAREAN READINGS. "MR. PUNCH, "READINGS from SHAKSPEARE have become very fashionable. Somehow the town has crowded to hear plays read by individuals, leaving companies of actors to play to one another. I will not seek the cause of this. BOOTLE says it's late dinners-MOUNTJOY says it's the 'slowness of the thing altogether'-and my friend, the REV. MR. HAROLD HENGIST, declares, in a manner that carries conviction to the bosoms of large evening parties, that the drama, as a successful national entertainment, is altogether incompatible-so to speak-with our advanced condition of civilisation. The drama,' says the REV. MR. H. H., 'to have a chance, must be exported to the colonies.' It might, Mr. Punch, do something among the Kaffirs; though I have seen actors that even a New Zealander wouldn't swallow. But the present letter touches upon another matter. "We have recently had a new Hamlet. I have not seen him: nobody has; but I was mightily interested by a certain new-quite bran-new -reading of his, reported in the papers. Instead of making Hamlet "When the wind is southerly, I know a hawk from a hernshaw-' our Hamlet split the last word into two; a hern, and a 'pshaw: giving us a bird and an exclamation of contempt. This, Sir, is very ingenious; and marks the courage of an inquiring mind. But allow me to give my reading-(for I once acted in barracks). It is this: Not Much to be Wondered at. CONSIDERABLE excitement, we understand, prevailed among the Parisian gobemouches the other day, in consequence of the sudden circulation of a rumour that a Republic had been proclaimed in the English Capital. On inquiry, however, it turned out that the report had emanated in that of the Great Mutton-Chop Debate, with which the Session was inaugurated, and from which it was not unnaturally inferred that we had succeeded in establishing a Provision-al Government. EPISCOPAL MUMMY. THE Bishop found in the wall of old St. Stephen's crypt was in good preservation. The Tractarians may consider whether he would not do over again? Perhaps, could they enjoy a real congé d'élire, they would recommend him for Exeter, if they should ever have the misfortune to want another occupant of that see than DR. PHILPOTTS. Dreadful Catastrophe in High Life. LAST week, a young lady, the daughter of a Marquess, gave herself away in marriage to a-Clergyman! The event has caused equal sympathy and consternation in the best society. CLOTH OF THE COARSEST NAP.-LOUIS NAPOLEON seems to attach so much importance to the coats of his senatorial and other lacqueys, that his government may be called Co(a)terie of Despotism. HORRIBLE SUSPICION IN HIGH LIFE.-SCENE, BELGRAVIA. FIRST ARISTOCRATIC BUTCHER-BOY. "Hullo, Bill! Don't mean to say Yer 've come down to a Pony?" SECOND DITTO DITTO. "Not dezactly! Our Cart is only gone a-paintin'." A SMASH FOR A SUBURB. READER, did you ever send your wife, or go yourself, to Mitcham ? Everybody has heard of the place, but no one we ever met with has been to it. There are half-a-dozen railways professing to go to it, and putting down passengers at the nearest station, which is two miles away from it. Every road out of town leads to Mitcham; but Mitcham leads to nothing. You may go to it over any one of the ten bridges, and you'll get to it just as soon by one as by the other. Nearly all the houses in Mitcham are to let, and there is nobody to show them, though keys, which will not open the doors, may be had at all the house-agents'. Some of the houses that are to let have rooms detached on the other side of the way, and gardens, a long way off, with another house-to be let by itself-in the midst of them. The omnibuses to Mitcham have eighteen-pence written inside as the fare, which is in reality one shilling; and the driver and conductor will often quarrel with each other when a passenger asks what he is to pay, when it becomes optional with the latter to pay what he pleases. The man at the booking-office demands eighteen-pence as the fare, and when told of somehody having been charged the lesser sum, he is always very indignant with the proprietors and everybody else for "not letting him know, as it makes him look as if he wanted to cheat people;" and, indeed, appearances are not always in his favour. Mitcham has a quantity of inns, with a large collection of all sorts of heads and arms on their sign-boards. There are several libraries, at one of which the word "Newspapers" is written up in large letters; but if you go in and ask for one, you are stared at, and a child calls "Mother!" who emerges from an inner apartment, wiping her hands, and exclaiming, "We never have any newspapers." There are several post-offices, but when we went to post a letter at about six, we were told that the post left at five; that it had just gone, though the clock of the establishment stood at four: and we were further informed that there would be an express at seven, which being an additional post for extraordinary despatch, would sleep for the night at Streatham. On our requesting to be furnished with a few pennyworths of postage stamps, the official intimated that there was one we might possibly have, if the person who bespoke it did not call for it. In justice to the Mitcham branch of our great postal establishment, we ought to add that our inquiry was made at what was perhaps only the receiving house of the village, where a |