THE TAX-COLLECTOR OF 1852. CALL A SPADE A SPADE. A THOROUGH reform in the nomenclature of our "wooden walls" is loudly called for by many persons, who are of opinion that the principal use of a name is to denote the quality of the thing it signifies, and that the present titles of the ships forming the British navy are for the most part rather imposing than appropriate. Accordingly, it is proposed to give our vessels of war appellations of a more characteristic nature, such as "The Blunderer," "The Bungler," "The Sea-Cow, "The Dodo," "The Apteryx," "The Beetle," "The Slug," "The Dumbledore," &c. Such titles will at least serve to indicate the peculiarities for which our fleet, under the superintendence of its present controllers, has become remarkable, and will in some slight degree redound, if not to the national glory, to the credit which is justly due to the Admiralty for the existing state of naval architecture. It may, however, be argued, with some show of reason, that a thorough improvement in the construction of HER MAJESTY's ships would be preferable to any change, however suitable, in their denominations, and would, in fact, go very far to render any such alteration unnecessary. WISE MEASURES IN THE CITY OF LONDON!! A S a rule,everybody ought to exhibit to other people the same liberality that he would expect his tailor to extend to himself: that is to say, to give them proper credit. Acting, as we always do, on this golden maxim, it is with great pleasure that we call attention to an uncommonly acute proceeding of certain Aldermen at Guildhall, on Tuesday, last week, in adjudicating on a question of law. The point under consideration was, the legality of the omnibus cross seats; and, in order to ascertain whether those seats were sufficiently commodious, the worshipful magistrates adopted the sensible step thus briefly described in the newspaper : "The Recorder and the Aldermen took seats in the omnibus, to try the effect on themselves." We do not know the latitude of the Aldermen referred to; nor are we acquainted with the dimensions of the Recorder: and possibly each JOHN BULL TO COLONEL OH! COLONEL COLT, A thunderbolt I'd buy for no small trifle; Get your revolving rifle! A desperate blade, No sort of bones whatever Of any crime, At any time The bonds of faith may sever; Attack my shores, Without a word of warning; Upon me creep And snoring, some fine morning; Rob my strong box, And seize my flocks, Herds, cocks, and hens, and pullets. I want your gun, Instead of one That fires so many bullets. To guard our wives, Your rifle at our shoulders. But, COLT, alas! To what a sad condition- Is found-how soon- Loth, loth indeed, Drives me to arm of those gentlemen may be fully capable of riding "bodkin" in a HANSOM cab without inconveniencing his companions. But we do say, as a general principle, that the very best test of the width of an omnibus seat, or any other, and indeed of the sufficiency of any given space to accommodate any given (human) body, is afforded by the person of a London Alderman. We hope that, in future, in administering justice, the civic magistracy will always approach as nearly as they did in the foregoing case to the sagacity of the procedure resorted to on a memorable occasion by the Hebrew Monarch who was the wisest of mankind. A Hair-Drawn Constitution. THE French Constitution reminds us of a certain French Monk, who was wont, among other relics, to show a single hair of the VIRGIN MARY. Behold," said the Monk to the folks about him, at the same time drawing apart his hands-" behold, and worship." Worship!" cried a peasant, "why, I can't see the hair." "Can't see it!" exclaimed the Monk, "why, you presumptuous rascal, what would you have? For twenty years I have shown the hair, and never yet seen it myself." LOUIS NAPOLEON shows his hair-drawn Constitution after the like fashion: can he see it himself? A QUESTION FOR THE SCHOOLMEN. WHAT requires more philosophy than taking things as they come?Parting with things as they go. THESubjoined advertisement is earnestly recommended to the attention of the nobility, gentry, and clergy who patronise the Homœopathic Hospital, and Homoeopathy and Homoeopathists at large; and who might just as well patronise a hospital conducted on the principles of Patent Medicine: THE PHILANTHROPIC GEN TLEMEN who wish to purchase DR. G'S MIRACULOUS RECIPE, (and make a fortune by establishing the health of the people), can be introduced to hundreds, who, after being given up for death by their medical attendants, are now one, two, three, and four stones heavier, although physicked powerfully every day during their being cured, and using from ten to forty pills each dose. For particulars apply to DR. G & SONS, at Street, Glasgow, where they give free advice to their Patients. "MESSRS. N, G, Agents for Edinburgh; more of whom are wanted at home and abroad." Here is a chance for the "philanthropic gentlemen "-and ladies-to whom we appeal. Let them not pooh-pooh us with the put-off that DR. G- is a quack. What right have they to call him so? Have they ever tested the powers of his "miraculous recipe"? Was not GALILEO Scouted and persecuted, from prejudice, without investigation? Ditto COLUMBUS? &c., &c. If infinitesimal globules are not too difficult for their deglutition, why should they refuse to swallow G's pills-aye, by forties at a dose? DR. G's pretensions may be inconsistent with Homœopathy. But then, Homœopathy is inconsistent with physiological, pathological, therapeutical, and pharmaceutical facts. If Punch is wrong in stating this, the nobility, gentry, and clergy above alluded to, do not know that he is not right. They have never studied the laws of health and disease. What do those duchesses and other persons of quality of either gender know about the science of medicine? Yet they think no geese of themselves for forming an opinion on that subject, into which they have not inquired, in opposition to the judgment of those who have made its study the business of their lives. Personal recovery, after recourse to an alleged remedy, without reference to the question of post hoc or propter hoc, is sufficient for them. Then, why not try G-'s pills? They will not take upon themselves more decidedly than they do at present to contradict the Colleges of both Physicians and Surgeons; both of which bodies, by patronising Homeopathy, they virtually declare themselves to regard as either blockheads or impostors. By all means, then, let them do the same justice to DR. G- that they do to DR. GLOBULES, and that the scientific and enlightened EARL OF HOLLOWAY did to PROFESSOR ALDBOROUGH. THE HAUNTED AREA OF LAMBETH, (See a recent Police Report in the "Morning Post.") "TWAS past the dead hour of the night; The moonbeam kiss'd the crystal dome, And o'er a roof the high moon rode, He could not sleep; but if he could Strange noises had been heard of late The noise had wrought him little care, And, hark! again he hears the sound! A cape-clad figure met his view; And there, that spectre in the cape His step the hungry phantom scares; The features of it 'scaped his sight So quick it flew; nor could he gain Advice of ELLIOTT, Lambeth's beak, ALL the accounts of the French President are full of allusions to "NAPOLEON'S Staff." On the 10th of April, 1848, the "NAPOLEON'S Staff" was a constable's Staff-which harmless weapon, LOUIS NAPOLEON, Sworn in (the only public oath he ever kept) as a Special Constable, flourished on the side of Order. On December the 3rd, 1851, the "NAPOLEON'S Staff" was enlisted on the side of cruelty and lawless oppression, and was changed from an innocent Staff of wood into a murderous one of steel-a Staff of Bayonets! Of the two Staffs we prefer the "NAPOLEON's Staff" of 1848. There is no blood upon it! TOM BOWLING'S PETITION TO MR. PUNCH. Spitted, January 17, 1852. Is crammed with things vich decent pigs on shore would skorn to eat. "They sez of one MOLL DAVEY they bought this preshus stuff, So I've wrote it all at length, and I've sent it, Sir, to you, Query, Can MR. BOWLING mean Moldavia? MR. JOIN BULL LOOKS UP HIS OLD MILITIA REGIMENTALS. ORDER OF THE LATCH-KEY. E would institute a new Order-THE ORDER OF THE LATCH-KEY. Hitherto, Orders have been of too limited an order. They have been conferred on persons distinguished generally in warfare. They are all refined more or less with blood, claiming in that respect a sweet affinity with sugar. Lately, a few Orders have been given to literary merit; but these shine very faintly, and at long distances, like the lamp-posts at Herne Bay. But there are other heroes, surely, than military and naval ones? The Army and Navy Clubs cannot, possibly, monopolise all the virtues in the world? Are there not household virtues that claim honourable distinction just as much as those displayed on a battle-field? Are there not battles fought on the hearth-rug fully as glorious as those of Waterloo and Trafalgar? Yet these pass disgracefully unrecorded! they are not allowed to shine even with the smallest twinkle of a Star! It is for this purpose we would institute THE ORDER OF THE LATCH-KEY. It should be founded expressly for the encouragement and reward of social heroes and martyrs. Every one who had fought the noble battle of domestic happiness should be entitled to claim it. Every husband who had bled freely at home should receive healing consolation for his wounds, by being presented publicly with the "LATCH-KEY." We have purposely chosen the title of the "LATCH-KEY;" and we think it a very hapyy one, because, as the Latch-key is the proudest symbol of woman's confidence in man, so the bestowal of it would imply the possession of all the human virtues on the part of him who had proved himself a worthy recipient of it. None but the Perfect would be entitled to it! The number of the Order, necessarily, would be very limited. These are the qualifications we propose, as indispensable in every candidate for the Order :He must have been married ten years; but, if married to a widow, five years of service will be deemed sufficient. During that period he must never have been out of temper once. He must have given money as often as it was needed, and always in the precise sum that was asked." He must never have objected to go out shopping with his wife, or to take her to the Opera, or the Theatre, or to a Concert, whenever the fancy seized her. He must never have accepted an invitation into the country, or to a picnic, or to a breakfast, much less to a supper, unless he was duly accompanied on each occasion by his wife. He must also prove that he never was known to object to any of the servants engaged in the household; or to express the slightest discontent, at any time, at the way in which the dinner was composed or dressed. He must never have kept his wife sitting up for him, excepting he had been detained on a Jury. He must have received and treated his wife's relations with the same cordiality as if they had been his own; and he must never have wondered "how long they were going to stop?" whenever they brought their boxes to "stop a few days." He must never have entered the hall, or gone up-stairs, without first wiping his feet on the door-mat. He must never have attempted to read in bed. He must never have poked the fire after he had been requested by his wife not to do so. He must never have fallen into the filthy habit of taking snuff. He must never have belonged to a Club! He must always have respected, with the most unsullied reverence, the Bright Poker! He must never have expressed a wish for the removal of the child's cot. out of his bedroom. He must never have complained of the washing of his shirts; and must have had a soul so far "above buttons," as never to have "made a rumpus" about the sudden loss of one. He must never have brought a friend home to dinner "to take pot-luck." He must never have wondered "how the money goes!" He must have been perfectly free from all petty matrimonial vices, such as cruel sarcasms levelled |