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REALLY, the weather is becoming a conversational bore of greater magnitude than we are used to, even in England. We doubt if the talked about. At least one hundred and fifty times a day, our opinion is oldest inhabitant" can remember a time when it was more vigorously privately consulted as to the probable duration of the drought. And, publicly, too, almost everybody we meet keeps popping the eternal question-"When are we to have rain?" And nobody dares in the vaguest way to answer it. March, they re-echo, has passed, and given us pecks enough of its dust to ransom all the kings that ever reigned-from DAVID downwards. April, too, is gone, and scarce a dozen drops of her proverbial showers have sprinkled us. Even Greenwich Fair has, this year, come without its usual deluge. And still the barometrical little Dutch-ess keeps perversely out of doors, and our desponding umbrella-makers draw nearer and nearer to that Pantomimic Penal Settlement-the "Cavern of Despair."

Now, we are not a MURPHY, and to weather-wisdom in general we make but small pretensions. But, in this particular instance, we think we have a sufficiently safe barometer by us to venture our meteorological reputation upon its prophetic veracity. For, by reference to our Engagement-book, we find that there is a Chiswick Fête appointed for Saturday, the 13th of May; and abundant experience teaches us to expect that it will prove, as usual, a celestially Aquatic one!

WHAT IS SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE, &c.

SHOULD the Corn Laws be restored, it is probable that severa Protectionist parties will spring up, for the purpose of demanding at the hands of Parliament such measures as the ruined interests require. The following will be a few of the principal claimants, in the event of the renewal of Free Trade:

The Protectionist Post-Boys will demand a repeal of all the Railway Acts that have ever been passed.

The Protectionist Watchmen will agitate for the instant abolition of the Police force, which has been the utter ruin of their class.

The Protectionist Watermen will ask that a heavy duty may be enforced, for their benefit, on every traveller by Steam-boat between Richmond and London Bridge.

The Protectionist Tinder-Box Manufacturers will clamour for the placing of a tax of one shilling upon every box of Lucifers or Congreve lights.

The above are only a few of the cases in which the success of the cry for Protection would lead to analogous demands. Perhaps an amalgamation of the Agricultural Protectionists with one or all of the classes specified might be arranged.

SIR FITZROY KELLY has been trying to explain at Ipswich his statement at Harwich, that the people of England had not had "an ounce "WHERE IS THE HOLY LAND?" more bread" in consequence of Free Trade, and he has amended his THIS childish question torments us daily. It stares us in the face assertion, by saying "that the people have not had one pound weight each morning with our Times, and repeats itself to our unwilling eyes per head more to eat in 1850" than they had been previously in huge red-lettered posters throughout the day. The very type, accustomed to. It is something gained to have got up from one ounce indeed, appears to blush at the lamentable ignorance it reveals. And to twenty-six millions of pounds in a few days; and, if SIR FITZROY well it may: for, really, it is distressing to think that, in this era of goes on at this rate, increasing his estimate of the consumption of food, enlightenment, this present March (we mean no pun) of Intellect, there we have no doubt we shall find ourselves soon agreeing with him as to can yet be found an individual whose geography has been so sadly neglected. And still more heart-rending is it to contemplate the lonely lot that forces him to seek the knowledge he requires through the unnatural medium of a public advertisement.

RECENT ADDITION TO THE CHAMBER OF HORRORS.

THE horror of our friend SIBTHORP, on seeing it stated in a public print that his presence had been lately noticed at a Meeting for the Preservation of the Crystal Palace!

AMONG the multiplicity of losses advertised in the papers, we never expected to meet with such an announcement as the following, which appeared in the Times of Wednesday :

"LOST, a Set of ARTIFICIAL TEETH, supposed to have been dropped in the neighbourhood of Hanover Square, on the 7th of April."

That a man may drop his handkerchief without missing it, or even let his spectacles slip from his nose, imperceptibly, we may manage to believe; but that any individual could have had his eyes shut to the sudden shedding of all his teeth, is a picture we vainly attempt to realise. We recommend the advertiser to consider seriously whether all his teeth may not have been knocked down his throat without his being aware of it.

NEWSPAPER VORACITY.-It was said in the debate on the newspaper question that the Times is eating up all its contemporaries. If this be the case, the Times is doing more for its opponents than the public are disposed to do, for some of the journals in question, while being eaten up by the Times, can find no one else to swallow them.

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NDER the nave he walked,

And Niobean torrents flowed Adown his mental cheek.

To take a farewell look
At the Building where, last
summer-time,

Such frequent strolls he
took.
He missed the well-known
sounds

That lingered in his ear:
And he drew his mental
cambric forth,

And wiped away a tear!
Around, where soon shall be
Restored the naked sod,
Stood thinly scattered two
or three

Where late the thousands
trod.

'Twas a mournful sight to
him

That space so vast, so
drear:

And again he piped his
mental eye,

And dropped a mental
tear!

He sadly left the spot,
Oh, do not deem him
weak!

Go, mourn the Nation's Pet

The Pride of one short year: And own that even a SIBTHORP NOW Could scarce deny a tear!

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"THE christening breakfast is a pretty good one, eh! MISS VIOLET ?" said papa. "Give me four of those amiable prawns, and tell me whether you approve of the Amalgamated Paddle-boxes?"

I confessed I thought the scene quite delightful. It was a beautiful afternoon; the water was very high, and at Blackwall you get two such large, broad views of the river, that with the help of a little imagination, (and, as papa very wickedly remarked, a little champagne,) you may believe yourself to be far away from dear old poky, choky, smoky London. And then our déjeuner was so nicely managed. A long table, covered with glass, silver, and flowers, interspersed only with dishes, which, as the genteel cookery-books say, "look elegant,' jellies spangled with gold leaf, ivory blanc-mange gemmed with strawberries like rubies, fairy temples of amber sugar, vases of preserved fruits of delicious colours-all made such a pretty picture, that I was quite vexed with the greedy creatures who broke it up without the least ceremony.

Our party was a large one. The Chairman of the Company, SIR COWRY PICE-the dearest old man you ever saw; tall, and whitehaired, but still very handsome, and his nice old kind voice just beginning to weaken, but not in the least cracked-he was at the head. Right and left of him were the ladies, between the gentlemen who brought them. But the ladies were too few for the civilisation of any great length of the table, and two long lines of black-coated creatures made a perspective, at the end of which was a gentleman who was incessantly shouting to everybody to take wine with him. He was also a Director of the Amalgamated, and he amalgamated his own directions shockingly towards the end of the lunch, and no wonder, considering how many times his glass had been filled.

leading gentlemen paid him, telling him little bits of confidential news which seemed to relate to very important subjects, and waiting for his answers, with evident respect. One of the guests was a Member of Parliament, I found. He was dreadfully ugly, with yellow hair, and all his forehead puckered into wrinkles, occasioned, papa said, by his sitting up all night to learn tremendously long sums by heart, that in the House he might spatter out the figures against all his enemies. Near him was a young barrister, with a white cravat and diamond studs, and he worried the clever arithmetical Member sadly by trying to be smart at the end of each of the other's remarks.

PHRACTION, I see," said papa. "You set the Speaker a little Rule-of-Three work last night, MR.

vexation, "Ah! yes," said MR. PHRACTION, with a look and tone of great vitiated my argument. Don't read it." "but the papers have utterly spoiled the speech, utterly

"I won't," said papa; "rely upon my friendship to that extent, and upon any similar occasion. But what have they made you say-indeed, what was the question? I hardly looked."

"Why, SIR BARNACLE MAUL had moved, and very properly, that every Bishop appointed to a see in Wales should be able to speak Welsh. Thereupon, MUMMERY NIMBUS, the Puseyite, moved as an amendment, that every Colonial Bishop should be blacked all over, or tattooed, according to the state of the flock he was sent to. I supported MAUL: but you will not comprehend my reasons, for instead of 18493724, the figures I used, they have printed 19531876. It's very provoking."

But what on earth," said papa, "have those awful figures to do with a clerical question ?"

Every question is a question of figures," said MR. PHRACTION, gloomily, "especially clerical ones."

"But not of lay figures," snapped in the smart young barrister. "And if I were the Speaker, I would stop your arithmetic in the language of the Matilda-press novels, and say Figure to yourself" MR. PHRACTION waited very quietly until the smart gentleman had let off his two little jokes, and then he said:

"My numbers were the number of Welsh people who would very likely have gone to church, if their bishops had spoken Welsh since the 1st of March, 1800."

"By Jove!" exclaimed ALBANY, who for the first moment had turned his attention to anybody but his neighbour. "I beg your pardon, but I mean that I don't understand how you calculate such a matter."

Papa looked up at MR. ALBANY, as much as to say, "Now, you have caught it!"

Thus," said MR. PHRACTION. "Take the number of churches and what they will hold, and the registers of marriages and baptisms, and multiply these by the assessed taxes, subtracting the paupers in workhouses, who have coapels therein, and subtracting also the prisoners in jails, who probably are not regular attendants at church; add the godfathers and godmothers to the bridesmen and bridesmaids, deducting three per cent. for bridesmaids under the age of fourteen, and two per cent. for Dissenting ones who will not go to church, but only eat the breakfast,-dividing, also, the freeholders by the copyholders, and multiplying the tenants-at-will who vote for church candidates

"By the tenants-at-won't, who go in for the schism-shop"-dashed in the smart barrister; and so poor ALBANY was saved, MR. PHRACTION, who was put out, promising to write it all down for him. Proud of his victory, the barrister turned to a French lady who, with her husband, had been invited to see the launch.

"Madam ne parle par note langue ?" he asked, with a patronising smile.

Madame looked at her husband, who brought up his lingual forces with the utmost alacrity.

"Ah!" he said, laughing good-naturedly, "not too much well. Not still. At the good time. She commence."

"C'est difficile," said Madame, smiling.

"Say vray, say vray," graciously returned the Englishman; "say tro oray. May," he continued, wishing to be spirituel, le tong fay mirark. Regardez-mwaw, je le parle tray faceelmong, mwaw. "But Monsieur is an English person ?" asked the gentleman, not apprehending the joke.

Say vray," again replied the barrister. "Set oon pelee calembug de mwaw, say too."

"Ah!" said the Frenchman; and courteously commenced laughing heartily, in a high key, as soon as he understood that the other had intended to amuse him. And the latter, with great earnestness, remarked to us how the acquisition of a foreign language humanised society, and promoted universal brotherhood.

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The pretty things on the table were sadly pushed about to make room for turtle-soup, and white-bait, and cotelettes à la financière, and other matters, which made, as an Irish gentleman opposite poetically As for ALBANY, he was so happy, that he agreed with everybody, but observed, "not a bad imitation of a cowld collation." And the certainly without listening to anybody but me, with a slight excepchampagne corks popped in every direction; and as for the waiters, they tion in favour of papa. MR. PHRACTION's wonderful problem diverted flew about with the bottles, as if what ALBANY said were true; namely, him for a moment; I suppose, because, having been accustomed (as he that any waiter would be discharged who saw an empty glass and did admitted) to think of the odds," which is some kind of equestrian not instantly fill it. As for papa, he was enjoying himself greatly in arithmetic-calculations were easy to him. Indeed, papa congratulated his quiet way, and I was quite delighted to see what attention all the him on this, and told him to mind his "book," as, if he got into

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Parliament it might recommend him to the favour of a horse-racing Ministry. But ALBANY declared that he had given all such things up, and was reading very hard for the bar. I cannot say that he talked well; indeed he was far too happy to care much what he said, but he seemed to know something on most subjects. Only his ideas came out as if he had not been in the habit of drawing upon them-as if he had associated with people on whom they would have been wasted. I think he was a little surprised at finding that I did not talk, perhaps, quite such nonsense as some men think all girls talk. But it is too early to tell what he thought about me.

When everybody had finished lunch, SIR COWRY PICE stood up, and suddenly six gentlemen, a little below us, pulled out six pencils, and next day all the world knew exactly what the dear old man had said. He proposed that we should all wish good fortune to the great ship we had seen launched, and which was just then, we could see, being towed into the dock, to be finished. And, looking very kindly at me, he added something which I should actually be ashamed to write down, only that the six gentlemen were good enough to rap their pencils on the table, and then to take down SIR COWRY's exact words. He said that, let the good ship Chimborazo touch at a thousand shores, as he heartily hoped she might do, for the sake of the dividend (here all the gentlemen applauded), as well as for her own, she would never find a more charming person than the young lady who had that day done her the honour of giving her a name.

The company applauded, papa nodded, as much as to say-"Yes, she's not so disagreeable," and, as for ALBANY, I believe he was meditating a leap upon his chair for the purpose of leading off the Kentish fire, or some such tremendous demonstration; but I happened, providentially, to give him an appealing look, which so bewildered him that his purpose failed him, and he contented himself with giving, in a most intense whisper, his zealous assurance to me, that SIR COWRY PICE had not said half enough in my praise.

THE MOSAIC ARAB AT THE CAPE.

R. PUNCH,-Under the head of news from the Cape of Good Hope, a morning contemporary makes the following statement, which is not altogether perspicuous :

"Some Hottentot women were also taken prisoners, who stated that pack bullocks laden with gunpowder, passed the T' Somo, supposed to have been obtained from MOSHESH, and on the way to the

lower country, to the Gaikas and Galekas. MOSHESH is said to sell gunpowder openly, at a store kept for that purpose; and that bis peans who go to that part, is that commodity.

chief article of barter with Euro

"Who is this MOSHESH that sells gunpowder among the Kaffirs? Is MOSHESH an individual, or a name employed, as it sometimes is in familiar discourse, to denote the Hebrew community? MOSHESH, I was aware, is to be met with almost everywhere; but I hardly expected to find him in Kaffirland, following the occupation of a gunpowder merchant. At least, I should never have supposed that anything more nearly connected with gunpowder than a shooting-jacket would be found in the establishment of MR. MOSHESH. "INQUIRER."

Meat and Money.

GOVERNMENT'S HONOURED GUEST; OR, WELCOME LITTLE STRANGER.

WHO IS ROSAS ?

A LESSON FOR YOUTH.

that paper you will see that when GENERAL ROSAS landed last Tuesday Don't laugh at this question, small children. Read your Times. In week at Devonport, he was received by the Commodore Superintendent, SIR MICHAEL SEYMOUR. And it goes on to say:

"Shortly after landing, the General took up his quarters at Moorshead's Royal Hotel, Fore Street, Devonport, where he was visited by the Port Admiral, SIR JOHN OMMANNEY, and other heads of departments." You know that SIR JOHN OMMANNEY is not famous for looking sharp, or attending even to a matter of consequence with great alacrity. Then the Times adds:

"SIR JOHN ROLT, the Commander of the Forces in the Western District, was prevented by sickness from calling at the hotel."

You must not suggest, precocious juveniles, that SIR JOHN ROLT did well in not calling on Rosas, because he certainly would have got more sick if he had called. For, observe, we further read, that

"In consequence of a Treasury order, every respect was paid by the officers of the Conflict to the noble visitor, and at the Custom-house every facility was given for the ready clearance of his baggage."

receives in person, and the Port Admiral goes and calls on as soon as No doubt a foreign visitor, whom the Commodore Superintendent he arrives; whom the Commander of the District Forces is only prevented from showing the same attention by illness; and to whom the officers of one of HER MAJESTY'S ships are ordered by the 1reasury to pay every respect, is one whom Government delights to honour. Of course he must be a great and good man; some noble champion of liberty, wise, humane ruler, or other sort of benefactor to his fellowcreatures: and we are altogether mistaken, ingenuous youth, in the opinion we had conceived about him.

Otherwise, young people, we may certainly say that, whenever a cargo for the Zoological Gardens arrives at Devonport, Commodore Superintendent, Port Admiral, Commander of District Forces, and Government, will, if there should be a hyæna in the collection, and they are not as attentive to him as they have been to the ex-Dictator of Buenos Ayres, have been guilty of gross partiality to Rosas, and will do great injustice to the hyæna.

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Philosophy of "Marriage in High Life."

WE have often wondered why it is that in celebrating a "Marriage in High Life," the clergyman, usually a bishop, is in general, as the Morning Post says, "assisted" by the REV. MR. SO-AND-SO: why the parson requires another parson to help him to perform so very easy a task as that of reading the Marriage Service. At last it has occurred to us that the reason may be, that, as marriages among the "superior classes" are for the most part merely political or pecuniary arrangements, the antipathy of the parties to each other is so strong that it takes two parsons, with extraordinary power, to unite them.

Military Science.

The

EXPERIMENTS have been going on at Woolwich Marshes with a new modification of the Minié rifle. The weapon itself will hit any object within sight; a celebrated advertising optician has invented a small telescope, which, mounted over the breech-end of the barrel, extends the distance whereat the marksman can see, to a dozen miles. design of the experiments has been to satisfy several veteran officers of rank as to whether or no the range of ball would be equal to the range of vision. The point has not yet been satisfactorily decided; and to settle it, a farther series of trials is considered necessary.

A PARTIAL CONVERSION.

A FRENCHMAN, discoursing elegantly, and accurately, of course-as all Frenchmen do-upon England, says, "The English love their meat and their money more than anything else. These are their two great absorbing passions. When they are not eating, they are making "MONSIGNORE" SEARLE'S Sheriff has renounced one of the errors money; and when not occupied in the counting-house, they are sure to be in the larder. To prove to what an extent they carry these two of Popery, by presenting his chaplain at Court, simply as the VERY passions, I may mention that there are no other objects they love REVEREND D. O'CONNOR, Chaplain to MR. SHERIFF SWIFT. enough to treasure. They have but two 'safes '-one for their meat, the other for their money. If I had to draw the beau idéal of an Englishman, I would represent him with a Meat-safe on one hand, and a Money-safe on the other."

RATIONAL EXCISE.

WHAT Would be a good substitute for Taxes on Knowledge? Taxes on Ignorance; because, in the present state of popular education, they would certainly be much more productive.

Patronage of Literature.

Ir must be a subject of pure congratulation for the literary mind to see the post of Chancellor of the Exchequer filled by BENJAMIN DISRAELI; so seldom has an Author in this country an opportunity of touching any of the public money.

BREAD STUFFS.

THE stuff which MESSRS. YOUNG and FITZROY KELLY have been talking, that no more bread is consumed in England now than before

FRENCH PROVERB.-Heaven sent us Woman; and the Devil Stays. the Repeal of the Corn Laws.

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But we were deceived. On revient toujours-the proverb tells us-à ses premiers amours. And accordingly we find that the great and enlightened British Nation quits on a sudden the intellectual enjoyments with which its professors have Polytechnically surfeited it, and reverting gladly to its former joys, seeks amusement once again in the gambols of a flea! Daily the Times assures us that the mania has revived: daily are we plagued with posters to the same effect: and although we cannot applaud the national taste, we are bound as current chroniclers to notice it. From such slight "signs of the times" may the future MACAULAY deduce we know not how interesting an inference.

The observant reader of advertisements will doubtless have remarked, that fleas are not merely made Industrious now, but absolutely Learned. For this we presume we are indebted to the March of Intellect; and it is indeed a gratifying proof of the rapid progress it is making with the Brute Creation. Our pigs have long since owned its sway; and now, it seems, our very fleas acknowledge it. What marvels, reader, may we not predict from these sevenleague-booted strides ?

At one of the Shows-"Exhibitions," we mean, of "these interesting little creatures" (see advertisement), we are informed that "fleas in full costume" will daily astonish the Universe by "dancing the Polka." To the curious in such matters this is really a tempting announcement. A flea in full dress would be quite a novelty to us. Our only acquaintance has been with fleas au naturel: and we doubt if even STRUTT could enlighten us on the subject of their "full costume."

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Cabman (condescendingly). "HAMPSTEAD! LET'S SEE-THE FARE'S ABOUT NINE BOB, AS NEAR AS MAY BE; BUT AS I WANT A DRIVE IN THE FRESH HAIR MYSELF, SUPPOSE WE SAY THREE 'ARF CROWNS."

CONCESSION IN KENSINGTON GARDENS.

THE beautiful walk on the south side of Kensington Gardens, leading from the Barracks to Hyde Park, has been widened for the accommodation of the public by an extremely clever expedient. Whether the present or the late Commissioners of Public Works are to be thanked for this, we do not know; we wish we did, being always anxious to give credit where it is due. The path in question lies between two shrub and flower beds; and was formerly separated from them on either side by a strip of pretty, fresh, green turf. Then, also, it was smoothly rolled, but lately, requiring renovation, it has been relaid with a sort of débris of broken shells and shingle, forming a surface of sharp cutting edges and angles, which defy, or would destroy, the soles of any boots not strongly hobnailed. This judicious alteration has of course rendered the path itself ineligible as a promenade for the ladies, nursemaids, and children, who used to frequent it as such, and indeed impracticable for anybody whatever but a clod-hopper, shod expressly for hopping clods. The consequence is, that the people have taken to walk on the turfborders, which they have now entirely worn bare and trodden into uniformity with the footway, thus adding full two feet to the breadth of the latter, if not perhaps proportionally improving its appearance.

WAGNER ON ENGLAND.

WAGNER seems to be something more than a wag, if we may judge by the little expression he permitted himself to let drop with reference to England in a letter to one of his countrymen. "England is worth nothing except for her money," says the German Ex-actor, for it seems he was once upon the stage, and therefore the term Ex-actor may be in one, if not in two, senses applied to him. We suspect that our friend WAGNER will experience a realisation of his ideas as to the value of money in England, by the quantity of coin he will be compelled to part with in consequence of the sundry little matters Re WAGNER that have been going on in the Court of Chancery for the last week or two.

There is something beautifully retributive in the justice which seems to have so ordered matters that he who " came to grasp" will be obliged to "stop to pay" in the land which he only values for its money. Père WAGNER will find that if England is the country for making money, it is also the country in which to spend it, and his introduction to our Court of Chancery will show him that while we were prepared to pay rather exorbitantly for his daughter's voice, he, the Père, will have to pay pretty dearly for his own whistle.

CLERGY-MARKET AND ECCLESIASTICAL INTELLIGENCE. BISHOPS were quoted in the House of Commons on Thursday evening last by the MARQUIS OF BLANDFORD at a tolerable figure. "With regard to endowments, what he proposed was, to alter the provisions of the Act of 1840, so that no Bishop of an old see should have less than 4000l. a-year, instead of 42001. a-year." This proposed reduction in the price of Bishops will not be more than proportionate to the general diminution in the cost of commodities; indeed, should it take place, it is by no means certain that the Right Reverend Bench will not still be considered to present rather an exception to the general rule of cheapness. A descent to a minimum of 40007, a-year cannot be regarded as any very tremendous fall in prelates. Should the BLANDFORD tariff be adopted, the superior sorts of Bishop will still command considerable sums. "He further proposed that the income of the future ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY shall be reduced to 10,000%.; of the future ARCHBISHOP OF YORK, to 80007.; of the BISHOP OF LONDON, to 60007.; and of the BISHOPS OF WINCHESTER and DURHAM, to 5000/." It is hence obvious that the tendency of Bishops is still to create a high rate of interest, and though there may be some prospect of their conversion, it is not likely that the change will be of so violent a character as to justify any very serious alarm on the part of the Church.

A VERY OPEN QUESTION.

THE papers have lately been sprinkled with little notes from anonymous little people, intimating that little shocks of earthquakes have beer. experienced in certain little villages. Among others we have been edified by the account of the waving of the earth about the Mendip Hills, which was distinctly noticed by an astounded gardener, who, for a few moments, was rendered doubtful as to which of his extremities he stood upon. The gardener's state of mystification is shared by his master, who, having detected a crack in his whitewashed ceiling, declares the evidence of an earthquake to be irresistible. For our own parts, until we have proof that the earthquake has swallowed something-even a stray cow, an errant donkey, or an unlucky dog-we must be excused for declining to swallow the earthquake.

"FAST COLOURS."-Green coat with yellow buttons, 'blue handkerchief, crimson waistcoat, shirt with pink ballet-girls, plaid trousers, and white hat with a black band.

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