REALLY, the weather is becoming a conversational bore of greater magnitude than we are used to, even in England. We doubt if the talked about. At least one hundred and fifty times a day, our opinion is oldest inhabitant" can remember a time when it was more vigorously privately consulted as to the probable duration of the drought. And, publicly, too, almost everybody we meet keeps popping the eternal question-"When are we to have rain?" And nobody dares in the vaguest way to answer it. March, they re-echo, has passed, and given us pecks enough of its dust to ransom all the kings that ever reigned-from DAVID downwards. April, too, is gone, and scarce a dozen drops of her proverbial showers have sprinkled us. Even Greenwich Fair has, this year, come without its usual deluge. And still the barometrical little Dutch-ess keeps perversely out of doors, and our desponding umbrella-makers draw nearer and nearer to that Pantomimic Penal Settlement-the "Cavern of Despair."

Now, we are not a MURPHY, and to weather-wisdom in general we make but small pretensions. But, in this particular instance, we think we have a sufficiently safe barometer by us to venture our meteorological reputation upon its prophetic veracity. For, by reference to our Engagement-book, we find that there is a Chiswick Fête appointed for Saturday, the 13th of May; and abundant experience teaches us to expect that it will prove, as usual, a celestially Aquatic one!

WHAT IS SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE, &c.

SHOULD the Corn Laws be restored, it is probable that severa Protectionist parties will spring up, for the purpose of demanding at the hands of Parliament such measures as the ruined interests require. The following will be a few of the principal claimants, in the event of the renewal of Free Trade:

The Protectionist Post-Boys will demand a repeal of all the Railway Acts that have ever been passed.

The Protectionist Watchmen will agitate for the instant abolition of the Police force, which has been the utter ruin of their class.

The Protectionist Watermen will ask that a heavy duty may be enforced, for their benefit, on every traveller by Steam-boat between Richmond and London Bridge.

The Protectionist Tinder-Box Manufacturers will clamour for the placing of a tax of one shilling upon every box of Lucifers or Congreve lights.

The above are only a few of the cases in which the success of the cry for Protection would lead to analogous demands. Perhaps an amalgamation of the Agricultural Protectionists with one or all of the classes specified might be arranged.

SIR FITZROY KELLY has been trying to explain at Ipswich his statement at Harwich, that the people of England had not had "an ounce "WHERE IS THE HOLY LAND?" more bread" in consequence of Free Trade, and he has amended his THIS childish question torments us daily. It stares us in the face assertion, by saying "that the people have not had one pound weight each morning with our Times, and repeats itself to our unwilling eyes per head more to eat in 1850" than they had been previously in huge red-lettered posters throughout the day. The very type, accustomed to. It is something gained to have got up from one ounce indeed, appears to blush at the lamentable ignorance it reveals. And to twenty-six millions of pounds in a few days; and, if SIR FITZROY well it may: for, really, it is distressing to think that, in this era of goes on at this rate, increasing his estimate of the consumption of food, enlightenment, this present March (we mean no pun) of Intellect, there we have no doubt we shall find ourselves soon agreeing with him as to can yet be found an individual whose geography has been so sadly neglected. And still more heart-rending is it to contemplate the lonely lot that forces him to seek the knowledge he requires through the unnatural medium of a public advertisement.

RECENT ADDITION TO THE CHAMBER OF HORRORS.

THE horror of our friend SIBTHORP, on seeing it stated in a public print that his presence had been lately noticed at a Meeting for the Preservation of the Crystal Palace!

AMONG the multiplicity of losses advertised in the papers, we never expected to meet with such an announcement as the following, which appeared in the Times of Wednesday :

"LOST, a Set of ARTIFICIAL TEETH, supposed to have been dropped in the neighbourhood of Hanover Square, on the 7th of April."

That a man may drop his handkerchief without missing it, or even let his spectacles slip from his nose, imperceptibly, we may manage to believe; but that any individual could have had his eyes shut to the sudden shedding of all his teeth, is a picture we vainly attempt to realise. We recommend the advertiser to consider seriously whether all his teeth may not have been knocked down his throat without his being aware of it.

NEWSPAPER VORACITY.-It was said in the debate on the newspaper question that the Times is eating up all its contemporaries. If this be the case, the Times is doing more for its opponents than the public are disposed to do, for some of the journals in question, while being eaten up by the Times, can find no one else to swallow them.

To take a farewell look
At the Building where, last
summer-time,

Such frequent strolls he
took.
He missed the well-known
sounds

That lingered in his ear:
And he drew his mental
cambric forth,

And wiped away a tear!
Around, where soon shall be
Restored the naked sod,
Stood thinly scattered two
or three

Where late the thousands
trod.

'Twas a mournful sight to
him

That space so vast, so
drear:

And again he piped his
mental eye,

And dropped a mental
tear!

He sadly left the spot,
Oh, do not deem him
weak!

The pretty things on the table were sadly pushed about to make room for turtle-soup, and white-bait, and cotelettes à la financière, and other matters, which made, as an Irish gentleman opposite poetically As for ALBANY, he was so happy, that he agreed with everybody, but observed, "not a bad imitation of a cowld collation." And the certainly without listening to anybody but me, with a slight excepchampagne corks popped in every direction; and as for the waiters, they tion in favour of papa. MR. PHRACTION's wonderful problem diverted flew about with the bottles, as if what ALBANY said were true; namely, him for a moment; I suppose, because, having been accustomed (as he that any waiter would be discharged who saw an empty glass and did admitted) to think of the odds," which is some kind of equestrian not instantly fill it. As for papa, he was enjoying himself greatly in arithmetic-calculations were easy to him. Indeed, papa congratulated his quiet way, and I was quite delighted to see what attention all the him on this, and told him to mind his "book," as, if he got into

Parliament it might recommend him to the favour of a horse-racing Ministry. But ALBANY declared that he had given all such things up, and was reading very hard for the bar. I cannot say that he talked well; indeed he was far too happy to care much what he said, but he seemed to know something on most subjects. Only his ideas came out as if he had not been in the habit of drawing upon them-as if he had associated with people on whom they would have been wasted. I think he was a little surprised at finding that I did not talk, perhaps, quite such nonsense as some men think all girls talk. But it is too early to tell what he thought about me.

When everybody had finished lunch, SIR COWRY PICE stood up, and suddenly six gentlemen, a little below us, pulled out six pencils, and next day all the world knew exactly what the dear old man had said. He proposed that we should all wish good fortune to the great ship we had seen launched, and which was just then, we could see, being towed into the dock, to be finished. And, looking very kindly at me, he added something which I should actually be ashamed to write down, only that the six gentlemen were good enough to rap their pencils on the table, and then to take down SIR COWRY's exact words. He said that, let the good ship Chimborazo touch at a thousand shores, as he heartily hoped she might do, for the sake of the dividend (here all the gentlemen applauded), as well as for her own, she would never find a more charming person than the young lady who had that day done her the honour of giving her a name.

The company applauded, papa nodded, as much as to say-"Yes, she's not so disagreeable," and, as for ALBANY, I believe he was meditating a leap upon his chair for the purpose of leading off the Kentish fire, or some such tremendous demonstration; but I happened, providentially, to give him an appealing look, which so bewildered him that his purpose failed him, and he contented himself with giving, in a most intense whisper, his zealous assurance to me, that SIR COWRY PICE had not said half enough in my praise.

THE MOSAIC ARAB AT THE CAPE.

GOVERNMENT'S HONOURED GUEST; OR, WELCOME
LITTLE STRANGER.

WHO IS ROSAS ?

A LESSON FOR YOUTH.

Don't laugh at this question, small children. Read your Times. In that paper you will see that when GENERAL ROSAS landed last Tuesday week at Devonport, he was received by the Commodore Superintendent, SIR MICHAEL SEYMOUR. And it goes on to say:

"Shortly after landing, the General took up his quarters at Moorshead's Royal Hotel, and other heads of departments."

Fore Street, Devonport, where he was visited by the Port Admiral, SIR JOHN OMMANNEY,
You know that SIR JOHN OMMANNEY is not famous for looking sharp,
or attending even to a matter of consequence with great alacrity.
Then the Times adds:

"SIR JOHN ROLT, the Commander of the Forces in the Western District, was prevented by sickness from calling at the hotel."

You must not suggest, precocious juveniles, that SIR JOHN ROLT did well in not calling on Rosas, because he certainly would have got more sick if he had called. For, observe, we further read, that

"In consequence of a Treasury order, every respect was paid by the officers of the Conflict to the noble visitor, and at the Custom-house every facility was given for the ready clearance of his baggage."

No doubt a foreign visitor, whom the Commodore Superintendent receives in person, and the Port Admiral goes and calls on as soon as he arrives; whom the Commander of the District Forces is only prevented from showing the same attention by illness; and to whom the officers of one of HER MAJESTY's ships are ordered by the 1reasury to pay every respect, is one whom Government delights to honour. Of course he must be a great and good man; some noble champion of liberty, wise, humane ruler, or other sort of benefactor to his fellowcreatures: and we are altogether mistaken, ingenuous youth, in the opinion we had conceived about him.

Otherwise, young people, we may certainly say that, whenever a R. PUNCH,-Under the head cargo for the Zoological Gardens arrives at Devonport, Commodore of news from the Cape of Superintendent, Port Admiral, Commander of District Forces, and Good Hope, a morning con- Government, will, if there should be a hyæna in the collection, and temporary makes the follow-they are not as attentive to him as they have been to the ex-Dictator ing statement, which is not of Buenos Ayres, have been guilty of gross partiality to Rosas, and altogether perspicuous : will do great injustice to the byæna.

"Who is this MOSHESH that sells gunpowder among the Kaffirs? Is MOSHESH an individual, or a name employed, as it sometimes is in familiar discourse, to denote the Hebrew community? MOSHESH, I was aware, is to be met with almost everywhere; but I hardly expected to find him in Kaffirland, following the occupation of a gunpowder merchant. At least, I should never have supposed that anything more nearly connected with gunpowder than a shooting-jacket would be found in the establishment of MR. MOSHESH. "INQUIRER."

Meat and Money.

A FRENCHMAN, discoursing elegantly, and accurately, of course-as all Frenchmen do-upon England, says, "The English love their meat and their money more than anything else. These are their two great absorbing passions. When they are not eating, they are making money; and when not occupied in the counting-house, they are sure to be in the larder. To prove to what an extent they carry these two passions, I may mention that there are no other objects they love enough to treasure. They have but two 'safes '-one for their meat, the other for their money. If I had to draw the beau idéal of an Englishman, I would represent him with a Meat-safe on one hand, and a Money-safe on the other."

RATIONAL EXCISE.

WHAT Would be a good substitute for Taxes on Knowledge? Taxes on Ignorance; because, in the present state of popular education, they would certainly be much more productive.

Philosophy of "Marriage in High Life."

WE have often wondered why it is that in celebrating a "Marriage in High Life," the clergyman, usually a bishop, is in general, as the Morning Post says, "assisted" by the REV. MR. SO-AND-SO: why the parson requires another parson to help him to perform so very easy a task as that of reading the Marriage Service. At last it has occurred to us that the reason may be, that, as marriages among the "superior classes are for the most part merely political or pecuniary arrangements, the antipathy of the parties to each other is so strong that it takes two parsons, with extraordinary power, to unite them.

رو

Military Science.

EXPERIMENTS have been going on at Woolwich Marshes with a new modification of the Minié rifle. The weapon itself will hit any object within sight; a celebrated advertising optician has invented a small telescope, which, mounted over the breech-end of the barrel, extends the distance whereat the marksman can see, to a dozen miles. The design of the experiments has been to satisfy several veteran officers of rank as to whether or no the range of ball would be equal to the range of vision. The point has not yet been satisfactorily decided; and to settle it, a farther series of trials is considered necessary.

THE stuff which MESSRS. YOUNG and FITZROY KELLY have been talking, that no more bread is consumed in England now than before

FRENCH PROVERB.-Heaven sent us Woman; and the Devil Stays. the Repeal of the Corn Laws.

N our innocence we imagined that the
fondness for fleamanship was a thing
defunct. We own we viewed it as a
passion of the past-exploded long ago
with Beaver hats and Hessian boots.
And in our category of "extinct races
we credulously classed the genus of
"Industrious Fleas," and blindly_be-
lieved that in this educated era no effort
would be ever made to effect its resto-
ration.

But we were deceived. On revient toujours-the proverb tells us-à ses premiers amours. And accordingly we find that the great and enlightened British Nation quits on a sudden the intellectual enjoyments with which its professors have Polytechnically surfeited it, and reverting gladly to its former joys, seeks amusement once again in the gambols of a flea! Daily the Times assures us that the mania has revived: daily are we plagued with posters to the same effect and although we cannot applaud the national taste, we are bound as current chroniclers to notice it. From such slight "signs of the times may the future MACAULAY deduce we know not how interesting an inference.

The observant reader of advertisements will doubtless have remarked, that fleas are not merely made Industrious now, but absolutely Learned. For this we presume we are indebted to the March of Intellect; and it is indeed a gratifying proof of the rapid progress it is making with the Brute Creation. Our pigs have long since owned its sway; and now, it seems, our very fleas acknowledge it. What marvels, reader, may we not predict from these sevenleague-booted strides ?

At one of the Shows-"Exhibitions," we mean, of "these interesting little creatures" (see advertisement), we are informed that "fleas in full costume" will daily astonish the Universe by "dancing the Polka." To the curious in such matters this is really a tempting announcement. A flea in full dress would be quite a novelty to us. Our only acquaintance has been with fleas au naturel and we doubt if even STRUTT could enlighten us on the subject of their "full costume."

A DISCUSSION took place the other evening in the House of Commons, on the subject of treating at elections, which by some honourable Members was regarded as a species of corruption. But is this quite so? A medical man may be the candidate for a seat in Parliament. Would he be guilty of treating if he attended a voter for the influenza? We hope MR. WAKLEY may again stand for Finsbury. Will the hon. gentleman be accused of having treated one of his constituents if he shall have been proved to have prescribed a free and independent elector a black dose ?

nervous, but we must say, AGRICULTURAL gentlemen sometimes make the mistake of calling we trust that sufficient precautions are taken by the respective managers manures marœuvres. This may arise from a confusion of ideas, as is of these establishments to prevent the possibility of their performers further probable from the fact that the same gentlemen are also ever getting surreptitiously" out on the loose." This Russian troupe, inclined to trust rather to Protectionist legislation than to guano. for instance, would be a most formidable one to encounter; for it is

expressly said to number no less than 200 able-bodied actors, strong! CRY OF THE ADVERTISING TAILOR.-"The Battle of the Paletôts is We are not aware if a census of these "interesting little creatures" to be fought in the Registration Court."

Calman (condescendingly). "HAMPSTEAD! LET'S SEE-THE FARE'S ABOUT NINE FOB, AS NEAR AS MAY BE; BUT AS I WANT A DRIVE IN THE FRESH HAIR MYSELF, SUPPOSE WE SAY THREE 'ARF CROWNS."