THE SHAMROCK AND THE CROCODILE. "It had been remarked that ST. PATRICK had ex- rock did not exist where any The obvious B. JOHN, PASSIONIST. meaning of "B. JOHN," is BROTHER JOHN. The no less obvious meaning of B. JOHN, is BEGGING JOHN. Perhaps В. JOHN means both. The Passionists are, we believe, a species of friars, thus belonging to the Regular reptile was to be found. He Orders in the Romish Church: but, to go about, begged to contradict that leaving cards like the above, for the purpose of general opinion." levying contributions, is to resemble Regular Dustmen or Regular Mendicants more than Considered in relation to the anybody else. Vagrancy Laws, we question if it is not altogether irregular; and invite the attention of the Mendicity Society to all such pieces. of pasteboard as that which "B. JOHN, PASSIONIST," it seems, is accustomed to leave at gentlemen's houses. Such contradiction, no doubt, enshrined a compliment to Irishmen, and of the most Irish pattern. How. ever, two years ago, when in Nubia, the Duke was able to wear a shamrock in his hat! "He met a gentleman coming down from Nubia who spent the whole of the morning of the 17th hunting along the banks of the Nile for a shamrock. He found a very good shamrock, and he did him (the chairman) the honour, because he had been the Chief Secretary for Ireland, to share it with him (Cheers). He found it on the edge of a sand bank, where every day passed a huge crocodile." Well, as the crocodile, upon the "gentleman's" authority, respectfully declined to swallow the shamrock, we suppose Punch must. But a word in your ear, my Lord Duke. Punch has inquired, in his own way, into the matter, and finds that the crocodile was, in a former state, a big, snapping, long-tailed (manyjointed) Irish agitator: and, faithful to his former patriotic instincts, he turned his nose up at the shamrock because his belly was miraculously filled with buttermilk and potatoes. VOICES OF THE NIGHT. EVERYBODY in the world knows-that is to say, as soon as the publication of this number of Punch shall be complete, every civilised being will know-that among SIR CHARLES BARRY's exquisitely thoughtful arrangements in the New House of Commons, the "Ladies' Gallery" is placed close behind that of the Reporters. It seems hardly necessary to add that the spécialité of one class of auditors slightly clashes with that of the other. We regret to learn, that during recent debates, a series of earnest messages have been sent up-stairs to MR. ELLIS, the Curator of the Ladies' department; messages which may be divided into two heads :From the Single Reporters.-"Would you intimate to the ladies, that if they would kindly preserve silence while the Minister is speaking, we From the Married Reporters.-"Do tell those women to hold their tongues. How do they think one can take a sentence of DISRAELI, while they make such an abominable clatter that"But, need we add, that no lady of proper spirit ever vouchsafed notice of impertinent requests. An occasional "Good gracious! what next, I wonder?" with an indignant giggle, by way of note of non-admiration at the end, broke through the gilded grating (which, Oriental-wise, screens the Parliamentary Hareem), announcing that poor MR. ELLIS had humbly thrown in his second-hand suggestion at the door behind; but not one whit the less fast and furious did the lady-voices descend, mingling with the blasts of hot and cold air poured down by DR. REID, "that air-Pump of the nation." In despair, the Reporters have thrown themselves upon Mr. Punch. One of them, by way of evidence of his affliction, has enclosed to that universal philanthropist the following extract from his note-book. The unfortunate stenographer was making desperate efforts to report a speech of the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER; but the concurrent exertions of the sweet little cherubs who sat up aloft, appear to have caused him to introduce a variety of allusions, of which the best that can be said is, that they are about as irrelevant as a good many of the topics usually introduced by the Honourable and Semitic Member himself. Here is a specimen: Which was Which? WHEN the ceiling fell at the Foreign Office, the other day, it was found very difficult to separate the rubbish from the papers lying on the table. We do not wonder at the difficulty; for between official documents and rubbish there may be often a distinction without much difference. House, dear, I think they call it-what supposition remains to me, save the isolated conviction that here, here upon the very threshold, that thing indeed! I suppose she fancied I ought to do it for her. Then, Servant refused to beat the door-mats and scour the steps; a pretty Sir, if I revert to the pretext on which this motion has been founded, time it gets into the washing-tub, to say nothing of the colours of can anything be more flimsy, or more certain to go to pieces the first the skirt all running. It may be characteristic enough of the blustering Free-traders from Manchester to join the noble Lord in the lobby; but what sort of a party was that? No cornet-à-piston; nothing but the poor governess at the piano, and a stand-up supper without champagne, all as shabby as the woman always is. We, Sir, can appreciate these new-fangled bonds of Parliamentary compression; you would hardly know her, in spite of her lacing so tightly, that "the air we are well aware that the adipose representative of anarchy is so stout we breathe, the Palladium of Freedom," is endangered by a Protectionist the queerest old Brougham you ever saw: and one never knows where majority. Well, Sir, a noble and learned lord in another place; law, no, thus tendered; is he handsome? no, certainly not, but a good match she's going. Did that noble and learned Lord respond to the overtures for anybody: but I don't believe they will catch him for either of the girls. Frank promises to be tall, and more like his Papa than me, and, opinionHowever, Sir, I have undertaken to be short, and frank,-no, my love, ated and idiosyncratic as is my antagonist's organisation he has got into words of five syllables, and likes his book pretty well for his age; but I don't worry him with it, as his experimentalising upon the Exchequer must be temporarily unproductive, and I cannot accede to his request for an advance, unless he can demonstrate to me how I can dreadfully mean, my dear, that he would not give me a cheque to buy new dresses for the children, for their party, unless I agreed to make some reduction in the housekeeping, which, I declare, I can't, and must conclude by resisting this motion (cheers).-O, he's left off, dear! won't, which is more. Conscientiously, therefore, if regretfully, Sir, I I wonder who he was. I declare I didn't listen to a word he was saying. Who's the next? What a Guy! Did you ever? Come, dears, let's go; we shall be in time for the scene from Norma. It's stupid work here." otherwise remunerate the national resources. He has become so "MR. DISRAELI (continued). And, Sir, when I am officially apprised early intention to report progress," "to ask leave to THE MINISTERIAL TEAM.-The "DERBY Dilly" may, to a certain duck of a blue ribbon, and only to be got at one place-Buckingham | extent, be well horsed; but one of the DERBY cattle is a NAAS. THE HERO OF FIVE HUNDRED IT has been recently announced that the veteran GREEN, of ballooning notoriety, intends retiring finally from the Air, and settling himself on terra firma, at the expiration of the ensuing season. He purposes going through the round of his aerial characters, previous to his farewell; and he will appear, for the last times, in that very popular Air with which his name has been so long identified. Having long ago soared to the top of not only his own, but every other profession, he looks forward to repose on the earth; and we trust he will find his hopes well grounded. He has had many rivals-among others, an individual who was able to boast that, as an Aeronaut, he had got to the top of the tree; but, though he did, in truth, get to the top of the tree, he got no higher, for his Balloon always stuck in it. MR. GREEN has invariably risen superior to all competition; and, though success has attended every inflation of his Balloon, he has never become inflated himself by the success that has attended him. Jim. "WALL, I DOAN'T KNAW AS I CAN TELL 'EE, TUMMUS; VUR I DOANT EZAKERLY KNAW MYSEL!" THE DEATH OF THE SEA-SERPENT. BY PUBLIUS JONATHAN VIRGILIUS JEFFERSON SMITH. ARMA virumque cano, qui first, in the Monongahela, Ne'er had gather'd less ile in her cruise, to gladden the heart of her owner. "Darn the whales!" cried the skipper at length, "with a telescope forte videbo Aut pisces, aut terras." While speaking, just two or three points on the lee bow, He saw coming towards them, as fast as though to a combat 't would tempt 'em, A monstrum, horrendum, informe (cui lumen was shortly ademptum). On the taffrail up jumps in a hurry dux fortis, and seizing a trumpet, With a blast that would waken the dead, mare turbat et aëra rumpit"Tumble up, all you lubbers!" he cries, "tumble up! for, careering before us, Is the raal old Sea-Sarpent himself, cristis maculisque decorus." "Consarn it!" cried one of the sailors, "if e'er we provoke him, he'll kill us: He'll sartinly chaw up hos morsu, et longis implexibus illos." You! who have waged with the bárs, and the buffeler, prælia dura, Marshals his 'cute little band, now panting their foe to beleaguer. [Exit, The Air of Downing Street. THE Chronicle remarks with good philosophy upon the peculiar air of Downing Street: it "imparts an instantaneous respectability to every one who breathes it," says the Chronicle; which then proceeds to note the probable change in the manner of the most restless, wriggling demagogues, upon reaching the Treasury. This reminds us of the ingenuous avowal of the Jesuit ACOSTA, who, in his Voyage to Peru, speaking for himself and his hair-shirted companions, says, in glowing acknowledgment of the salubrity of the air at a certain latitude,-" Here, all our vermin died upon us." Swiftly they lower the boats, and swiftly each man at his oar is, (Blackskin, you know, never feels how sweet 'tis pro patriâ mori; Glares at them with terrible eyes, suffectis sanguine et igni ; Præsentemque viris intentant omnia mortem. But the bold skipper exclaims, "O terque quaterque beati! But the skipper, who thought it was time to this terrible fight dare finem, With a scalping-knife jumps on the neck of the snake, secat et dextrâ crinem ; And hurling the scalp in the air, half wild with delight to possess it, Shouts, "Darn it! We've fixed up his flint, for in ventos vita recessit." MINISTERIAL DIFFICULTY.-Some doubt appears to be entertained at present, as to whether the EARL OF DERBY and his colleagues are Protectionists in, or Protectionists out and out. ADDRESS OF MR. HUGO VAMP TO HIS BROTHER MARIONNETTES, On being informed, that if he were not careful about politics, the Chamberlain might interfere. AIR-"Bruce's Address." OUR INSANE ARTIST. WE must again warn our readers-we mean the British Nation generally-that this wretched individual is still at large. We are concerned to state that we have just had ocular proof of the distressing fact. Scarce five minutes since, by our infallible pocket edition of the Horse Guards, we were "thrown into a state of considerable excitement" (as our penny-a-liner would observe), by a thundering rat-tatTAT at the door; which, opening at our adjuration, to our horror disclosed the person of our unhappy friend. For a moment he wildly glared at us; and ere the second sped, his "eye in frenzy rolling," had transfixed us to our seat-as helpless as a humming-bird beneath the stare of the serpent. Then, at a bound, he reached our side, snatched the pen from our nerveless hand, and fiercely plunged it to the hilt in our brimming inkstand. Resistance was hopeless; we were ocularly entranced; completely electro-biologised, as it were, by one fatal coup! *After a lapse of about two minutes and a quarter, we slowly came to ourself, and were rejoiced to find that our tormentor had vanished. But, alas! our rapture was of brief duration; for a second and less hasty glance informed us that the unhappy wretch had left us a horrible souvenir of his advent. Perhaps, the sensitive reader may faintly conceive our feelings, when we discovered that the especial sheet we had selected for one of our posterity-delighting articles was scrawled all over with maniacal hieroglyphics, which, by patience and a pair of spectacles, we have at length succeeded in deciphering as follows:"SUBJECT FOR A PICTURE OF CRUELTY.-Our Zoological Artist drawing a Badger!?!" In justice to ourselves, we must add that the word "drawing" was most painfully underlined. We should otherwise have blushed to italicise it. A Pastor with a Vengeance! THE miscellaneous news of the Hampshire Independent contains the statement that "A lady who has officiated as organist at St. Mary's Church, Leamington, for twelve years, has been dismissed by the newly appointed pastor because she has been in the habit of giving public concerts !!!" Dismissed from her situation on such a pretence by the pastor! Not pustor. The word pastor, shepherd, comes from pasco, to feed: means literally feeder. We cannot exactly concede that title to a fellow who takes away a poor lady's bread. are SUFFOLK-ATION OF JUSTICE. SUFFOLK is a county, the natives of which are for the most part a decent sort of people, and by no means generally remarkable for want of sense, deficiency in the sentiment of justice, barbarity, or brutal vindictiveness. It appears, however, that there is a peculiar race among them, of the 'squirearchical order, strongly characterised by those defects and bad qualities, and unfortu nately invested with judicial functions, which they exercise at Quarter Sessions-after what fashion the subjoined extract from a newspaper report will show: "BURY ST. EDMUND'S. "COUNTY PETTY SESSIONS.-Cruelty to a Horse.-The driver of a mail-cart from this town to Woolpit, was fined, with expenses, 158., for cruelly beating, near the latter place, a horse which he was driving. The money not being forthcoming, imprisonment for a fortnight was pronounced. -Egg Poaching-Two lads were sentenced to 2 months' imprisonment each, for robbing a partridge's nest of two eggs, at Stanningfield." Torturing a horse-a fortnight's imprisonment: poaching two eggs-two months' ditto. This is the way the Suffolk Justices are accustomed to compare great things with small. This is how they keep the game alive. Two months' tuition in real burglary, for robbing the nest of a partridge! This sentence ought to be famous; they who pronounced it, should never cease to hear of it; whoever, therefore, invites one of them to supper, must remember always to set before his Lordship a dish of poached eggs. A QUERY FOR THE FIRST COMMISSIONER OF WOODS AND FORESTS. If Laws and Learning, Trade and Commerce, die, Where then would be our old Nobility? SATISFACTORY NEWS FROM INDIA. Ir this periodical were a newspaper, in announcing another Burmese war, Mr. Punch would have to express his regret at the intelligence which he was obliged to publish. A brother journalist, however, of Mr. Punch's, so far differs from Mr. Punch as to consider it a piece of capital news. The Delhi Gazette says: "It is with great satisfaction that we announce the actual commencement of hostilities with Burmah, and we shall be much disappointed if the Province of Pegu does not now fall into our hands. Any expedition, however, against Ava, or anywhere into the interior of the country, we must deprecate as both unnec: ssary and injudicious. As far as the sea line is concerned, we shall experience but little difficulty in making ourselves masters of it; but beyond this the climate will be an insuperable barrier, and our gallant soldiers will perish by hundreds." Our Indian contemporary might as well adopt the plan of narrating all calamities in the same spirit as that in which he notifies war. As for instance :-We have much pleasure in intimating that a vacancy has occurred in the 13th Bungaloes, in consequence of MAJOR CURRIE having been thrown from his elephant whilst tiger-hunting, and having broken his neck. It is with great gratification we present to our readers an account of the murder committed by RUMMAGEE THUGGEE, on the body of LIEUTENANT GENERAL TIFFIN.-Why not record murder and sudden death with as much "satisfaction" as battle? The number of the Delhi Gazette, containing the very satisfactory information of the commencement of hostilities with Burmah, and consequently of the extreme probability that "our gallant soldiers will The better the day, the better the deed, is perhaps a maxim that occurred perish by hundreds," bears the date of SUNDAY, January 25, 1852. to the Editor when he penned the above-quoted paragraph; unless, indeed, his journal is a Mussulman organ, and his sentiments, both with respect to particular days of the week, and to "hostilities," are those of a gentleman of the Mahometan persuasion. The Bishop of Durham's Purse. THE Examiner states, that, "On Thursday night week, a couple of expert thieves effected an entrance into Auckland Palace, while its inmates were all in bed. They found their way into the room where the BISHOP OF DURHAM and MRS. MALTBY slept, and managed to retire, carrying with them the Bishop's purse, which, however, only contained about three pounds." The purse that "only contained three pounds," cannot have been that purse which the BISHOP OF DURHAM is said to have made out of his see. A LAZARUS FOR ALL WEATHERS. A CHEAP luxury for the benevolent man is set forth by way of advertisement in the Times. Here it is : FOR SALE, that most beautiful piece of Work of Art, the FIGURE of LAZARUS and PEDESTAL, fit for a gentleman's hall or lawn; made of patent Portland Cement. Warranted to stand all weathers. To be sold a great bargain. For particulars and to view apply to marvellous workmanship of LAZARUS. And with such acknowledgment, LAZARUS may adorn their hall, or upon their well-swept lawn defy the seasons, being a LAZARUS wanting nothing; indeed, a LAZARUS warranted to stand all weathers. UPON THEM CHARGE! BUT DON'T OVERCHARGE. What a mouthful is here-sweet and melting as ripest peach-for a WE are not remarkable for modesty, or for a want of appreciation of sort of philanthropy to be found in all times! A LAZARUS that-the our own value; but there are some people who will insist on putting first expense of purchase past; the cost of making LAZARUS our own-a higher price upon us than we put upon ourselves; and who charge shall mulct us of no further penny; shall remain in imperishable cement, fourpence for us while we are satisfied to make the moderate demand a touching lesson in our hall, or upon our green-sward; shall never of threepence on the public pocket. WALPOLE-not the present Home blister in the dog-days, or shiver in December; but stand all weathers; an uncomplaining model LAZARUS-and, moreover, a LAZARUS a great bargain! A rare penn'orth this, in which economy may be spiced with a sort of human tenderness. Secretary, but a far less honest man than he appears to be-has said that every man has, and of course, therefore, knows, his price; but it LAZARUS in the hall, calm in his patent cement, has his fixed look of Station they wil! insist upon putting twenty-five per cent. upon the seems we do not know our own, for at the Great Western Railway meek misery, and does not sniff with in-drawn vitals as roast and boiled pass into the dining-room: his eye does not wander, whetting itself estimate we have formed of ourselves. Now we should have no objecupon decanters glowing with ruby and topaz. Portland LAZARUS tion, perhaps, to this arrangement, if the tax on the public were paid over cannot by the least twitch of feature betray a homespun impatience of to us; but unfortunately it is added to the very liberal profit we already things, the fattest and the strongest, passing before him; thereby, allow to the Booksellers out of the threepence at which the whole world whether he will or no-as will happen with a LAZARUS in the fleshsaucily arraigning the wise behests of all-balancing Fortune. No: delights to purchase us. The extra twenty five per cent., without Portland LAZARUS and his owner are well acquainted; they know, affording the smallest advantage to ourselves, is a clear loss to the with equal knowledge, one another. Cement and flesh are old friends. travellers by the Great Western, who are frequently much irritated by The master knows LAZARUS as compassionately, as plaster LAZARUS the vexatious impost, which thus becomes the madness of many for the can, with grateful tenderness, acknowledge his benefactor. For LAZARUS has been bought a bargain; and the purchaser shows his gain of-one. sympathy with suffering, by giving it a place under his roof, or in the very eye of his casement. And how many of us own a LAZARUS of this dumb, uncomplaining species-an ornamental LAZARUS that no respectable Christian can be without? How many of us confess to the appealing sorrow of LAZARUS, as wrought by The MASTER; how many who are touched, melted, by the divine beauty of the work, prizing it as finest art-a thing of abstract loveliness, with no hard existence; sublime art, without the coarse reality of pulses ? And after this fashion folks-who even dream not of such a possession -sacrifice to the human necessities of their LAZARUS. They know the Dilapidation Extraordinary. A NEWSPAPER, in stating that the present pavement of Hol born, from Little Turnstile eastwards towards Chancery Lane, is to be exchanged for granite, thus remarks "The thoroughfare has long been in a dangerous state, owing to the dilapidated condition of the wood pavement." Etymology suggests that a wood pavement, to be in a dilapidated condition, must first have become petrified: or have been constructed of Irish timber. COLONEL SIBTHORP ON CHRISTIAN CHARITY. MILITARY. URING the debate A SHORT time ago, under cloak of the Cape expedition, the Carbineers on the Corrupt were turned into light cavalry at a heavy expense. As it now appears to Practices at Elec- be doubtful whether the Cape will be their destination, we suppose that tions Bill, the gal-on the principle that one good turn deserves another, they will be again lant COLONELSIB- turned into light. It is very easy to talk of turning light into heavy or THORP protested heavy into light, but how is it to be done? It may be true enough against it, on the that a King (or Queen) can make a bold dragoon, a carbineer, "and a' ground that it is that," but how the size or weight of dragoons is to be altered when calculated "to re- they are made, is a question which, we confess, puzzles us. On first strain men from consideration, sweating (as in the case of jockeys) suggested itself to us acts of Christian as a probable means of converting heavy into light; but we make charity." His no- light of this suggestion when we consider that the process would tions of Christian probably weaken as well as lighten. Perhaps, as Samson's strength lay charity were then in his hair, a dragoon's weight may lie in his: in such case, the mousexemplified by the tache might be sacrificed with advantage. By-the-bye we would observation, that venture to give a hint with respect to the clothing of the cavalry. Might "if a Member not the padding of the coats-which is supposed to be so essential to gave an elector a the "smartness" of a dragoon, and which is such a great auxiliary in pinch of snuff, it the conquest of servant-maids when on home service, but so great a would soon be con- hindrance to the free action of the limbs when in action-might not the sidered bribery." padding be made of gun cotton instead of the usual wadding? The Of course the gal- unsightly pouches might thus be got rid of, and the soldier would feel lant Colonel pre- the looser and more fit for fighting every shot that was fired. To be sumes that the sure, there is the chance that dragoon, coat, and gun cotton might be worthy elector all blown up together. But we only throw out a hint: we leave it to will be thoroughly practical men to improve on it. up to snuff, and that a candidate's offering to serve him at a pinch, is nothing more than an act of Christian charity. We suspect that "the effects of Christian charity," as shown by the influences which the Bill is designed to check, would form a melancholy picture of helpless inebriety, and other forms of moral degradation, too deep, or at all events too low, to go into. It is unfortunate for the gallant Colonel's argument, that the charity he recommends involves the necessity for the aid of all the publicans, and a great many of the sinners, in a place where an election is going on, to dispense its offerings. After making his protest, the Colonel was content to exclaim, "Let the Bill pass," as if he had confidence in the belief that his ideas of Christian charity at an election may still be carried out in spite of the proposed measure. The air of jaunty indifference with which this exclamation seems to have been made the contemptuous nonchalance with which the Colonel cried, "Let the Bill pass "-reminds us so much of SHERIDAN's song, with its "Let the Toast pass," by way of refrain, that we cannot refrain from a parody: Here's to the Voter whose terms are fifteen; Here's to the Candidate shabby and mean, "Tis but a farce; I warrant they'll find an excuse for a glass. Here's to the Voter whose freehold we prize, Here's to the Candidate, pure as the snow, For let them be clumsy, or cautiously trim, He's but an ass, Who's puzzled to find an excuse for a glass. Legal Caution. WE are instructed to state, for the benefit of such of our country clients as may now be visiting this Metropolis, that the "Cheap Conveyance Association" they may have seen announced on some of the Holborn Omnibuses, has no connection whatever with the Society for Law Reform they may have elsewhere seen advertised. THE MINISTERIAL BENCH.-It is expected that Ministers will dissolve Parliament as soon as possible, to shorten the Session, because, COURT AND FASHION.-Why is the "Windsor Uniform" like a as there are so many County Magistrates among them, they must prepaid letter? Because it has a Post Office Stamp. naturally wish to bring it as near as possible to a Quarter Session. |