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A Room in the Garter Inn.
Enter Host and Simple.
Host. What would'st thou have, boor? what, thickskin? speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap.
Sim. Marry, sir, I come to speak with sir John Falstaff from master Slender.
Host. There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his standing-bed, and truckle-bed; 'tis painted about with the story of the prodigal, fresh and new: Go, knock and call; he'll speak like an Anthropophaginian unto thee: Knoek, I say.
Sim. There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his chamber; I'll be so bold as to stay, sir, till she come down: I come to speak with her, indeed.
Host. Ha! a fat woman! the knight may be robbed: I'll call.-Bully knight! Bully sir John! speak from thy lungs military: Art thou there? it is thine. host, thine Ephesian, calls.
Fal. [above]. How now, mine host?
Host. Here's a Bohemian Tartar tarries the coming down of thy fat woman: Let her descend, bully, let her descend: my chambers are honourable: Fye! privacy? fye!
Ful. There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now with me; but she's gone.
Sim. Pray you, sir, was't r t the wiset woman of Brentford?
• Cannibal. + Cunning woman, a fortune-teller.
Fal. Ay, marry, was it, muscle-shell; What would you with her?
Sim. My master, sir, my master Slender, sent to her, seeing her go thorough the streets, to know, sir, whether one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had the chain, or no.
Fal. I spake with the old woman about it.
Sim. And what says she, I pray, sir?
Fal. Marry, she says, that the very same man, that beguiled master Slender of his chain, cozened him of it.
Sim. I would, I could have spoken with the wo man herself; I had other things to have spoken with her too, from him.
Fal. What are they? let us know.
Sim. I may not conceal them, sir.
Fal. Conceal them, or thou diest.
Sim. Why, sir, they were nothing but about mis
tress Anne Page; to know, if it were my master's fortune to have her, or no.
Fal. "Tis, 'tis his fortune.
Sim. What, sir?
Fal. To have her, or no: Go; say, the woman told me so.
Sim. May I be so bold to say so, sir? Fal. Ay, sir Tike; who more bold? Sim. I thank your worship: I shall make my master glad with these tidings.
[Exit Simple. Host. Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, sir John Was there a wise woman with thee?
Fal. Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath taught me more wit than ever I learned before in my life and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for my learning.
Bard. Out, alas, sir! cozenage! meer cozenage!
33 Host. Where be my horses? speak well of them,
Bard. Run away with the cozeners; for so soon as I came beyond Eton, they threw me off, from behind one of them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs, and away, like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses.
Host. They are gone but to meet the duke, villain: do not say, they be fled; Germans are honest
Enter Sir Hugh Evans.
Eva. Where is mine host?
Host. What is the matter, sir?
Eva. Have a care of your entertainments: there is a friend of mine come to town, tells me, there is three couzin Germans, that has cozened all the hosts of Readings, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and money. I tell you for a good-will, look you: you are wise, and full of gibes and vlouting stogs; and 'tis not convenient you should be cozened: Fare you well. [Exit.
Enter Doctor Caius.
Caius. Vere is mine Host de Jurterre?
Host. Here, master doctor, in perplexity, and doubtful dilemma.
Caius. I cannot tell vat is dat: but it is tell-a me, dat you make grand preparation for a duke de Jarmany: by my trot, dere is no duke, dat the court is know to come; I tell you for good vill: adieu.
[Exit. Host. Hue and cry, villain, go:-assist me, knight; I am undone:-fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am undone! [Exeunt Host and Bardolph. Fal. I would, all the world might be cozened; for I have been cozen'd and beaten too. If it should
come to the ear of the court, how I have been trans
formed and how my transformation hath been wash, ed and cudgeled, they would melt me out of my fatdrop by drop, and liquor fishermen's boots with me; I warrant, they would whip me with their fine wits, till I were as crest-fallen as a dried pear. I never prospered since I foreswore myself at Primero*. Well, if my wind were but long enough to say my prayers, I would repent.
Enter Mrs. Quickly..
Now! whence come you?
Quick. From the two parties, forsooth.
Fal. The devil take one party, and his dam the other, and so they shall be both bestowed! I have suffered more for their sakes, more, than the villainous inconstancy of man's disposition is able to bear.
Quick. And have not they suffered? Yes, I warwant; speciously one of them; mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see, a white spot about her.
Fal. What tell'st thou me of black and blue?. I was beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow, and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of Brentford; but that my admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting the action of an old woman, deliver'd me, the knave constable had set me i' the stocks, i' the common stocks, for a witch.
Quick. Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber: you shall hear how things go; and, I warrant, to your content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good hearts, what ado here is to bring you together! Sure, one of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so crossed.
Fal. Come up. into my chamber.
A game at cards.
Another Room in the Garter Inn.
Enter Fenton and Host.
Host. Master Fenton, talk not to me; my mind is heavy, I will give over all.
Fent. Yet hear me speak: Assist me in my pur
And, as I am a gentleman, I'll give thee
A hundred pounds in gold, more than your loss. Host. I will hear you, master Fenton; and I will, at the least, keep your counsel.
Fent. From time to time I have acquainted you With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page; Who, mutually, hath answer'd my affection (So far forth as herself might be her chooser), Even to my wish: I have a letter from her Of such contents as you will wonder at; The mirth whereof so larded with my matter, That neither, singly, can be manifested, Without the show of both; wherein fat Falstaff Hath a great scene; the image of the jest
[Showing the letter. I'll show you here at large. Hark, good mine host: To-night at Herne's oak, just 'twixt twelve and one, Must my sweet Nan present the fairy queen; The purpose why, is here*; in which disguise, While other jests are something rank on foot, Her father hath commanded her to slip Away with Slender, and with him at Eton Immediately to marry: she hath consented: Now, sir,
Her mother, even strong against that match,'
In the letter.