66 together, a prodigious number of skulls of deceased persons, -disturbing the repositories of the dead, to the great scandal, alarm, and horror, of all the peaceable, well-disposed subjects of your most profound reverences; and have also made, or pretended to make, a prodigious number of observations on living subjects, by a process partly resembling that of pawing, kneading, or nibbling, as practised by graziers when feeling and estimating the carcasses of sheep; from which they have proceeded, still more outrageously, to actual measurement, and have "gauged all the prominent craniums in Germany, and ascertained the solid contents of every cele"brated head in France ;"* and, for the more extensive dissemination of their said wicked doctrines, they have farther engaged in making and collecting casts of various heads in plaster: ALL most disgusting, vulgar, and mechanical operations, utterly unworthy any man of enlarged and general views, and unbecoming the dignity of a philosopher. And they pretend to have discovered, as the result of numberless such observations, that, wherever certain bumps, lumps, elevations, or protuberances, are found in the head, indicating, as they foolishly affirm, that certain part sor portions of the included brain are largely developed, the same are always found connected with certain powers, sentiments, or propensities of mind; and, this connexion being found invariable in all observed cases, they hence absurdly and wickedly conclude the saidportions of brain to be the organs of the said several powers, sentiments, or propensities; and they have farther pretended and stated, that the result of this examination and observation has been to establish a certain, and they have the impudence to say, an intelligible analysis of the primary faculties of the mind, of which they affirm no less than thirty-three to be already distinctly discovered and ascertained: ALL WHICH STATEMENTS are mere shallow and quackish pretences, wickedly-devised and malignantly-intended contrivances, in as much as, First, All the * Edinburgh Review, Vol. XXV. p. 227. said pretended facts and observations of the said F. J. Gall and J. G. Spurzheim, and their followers, calling themselves phrenologists, are utterly false, feigned, forged, fabricated, and unfounded, the skulls produced by them not being the real skulls of human beings, but those of horses, sheep, cows, apes, baboons, and other unseemly animals, or else artificially contrived and fabricated by them out of the bones of such animals, and the casts referred to being modelled upon turnips and other bulbous roots. Secondly, Even if all the said alleged observations as to the apparent diversities of form in the human head were true, they would afford no proof whatever of the aforesaid theory, in as much as the greatest difference stated to be observed between different individuals in the development even of the largest organs does not exceed one inch and a half,—a space which, as your Profundities well know, is nothing when compared with the thickness of the skulls of many of your petitioners, and of others of the truly loyal and most devotedly-attached subjects of your Profundities; and such a difference occurring on such a head arguing nothing respecting the form or size of the included brain, it being manifest to us, "that "human heads are rather like unto hazel nuts, whereof many "that be equally large to look upon do yet possess, some a "thicker, some a thinner shell; some a smaller, some a larger "kernel," and it being notorious with your said petitioners and lieges, that many, indeed the majority of them, are not conscious of their possessing any brains at all.-Thirdly, That setting all this aside, the foresaid facts and observations are utterly irrelevant and superfluous, seeing that your petitioners have already discovered all the faculties of the mind, without their assistance; and what is more, that, as some of your petitioners have discovered the mind to require ten or twelve intellectual faculties, and some of them have discovered that one or two faculties are perfectly competent to perform all the intel • Vide Blackwood's Edinburgh Magazine, No LXXVI. p. 593, for a full, true, and particular account of a very remarkable case to this purpose. + Edinburgh Review, Vol. XXV. p. 246. le ctual labour, each votary of the science may fit himself with a theory to his liking, and such as will suit his own particular case, a matter of infinite advantage and convenience in so important and extensive a subject, and shewing, in the strongest light, the wickedness, absurdity, and folly of the said F. J. Gall and J. G. Spurzheim, and their deluded followers,-seeing, that since your petitioners had already supplied the market with such a beautiful variety of systems, ready made, and fit for use, the attempt to bring in a new one could only arise from a wicked desire to delude the public, and to interfere with the lawful profits and exclusive privileges of your petitioners, all as aforesaid. But, lastly, and what will completely, and for ever, set this absurd system to rest,-notwithstanding your petitioners, and some of their friends and wellwishers, have used the utmost care and diligence in dissecting and anatomizing the brain in all possible ways, cutting it in slices, horizontally, vertically, crosswise, and obliquely, from top to bottom, and from bottom to top, they have been utterly unable, even with the aid of the most powerful glasses and microscopes, to discover in it any thing in the least resembling a faculty of the mind, either intellectual power, propensity, or sentiment; and not only is there no outward label, or other mark or indication set upon the different pretended organs, or any distinct and visible boundaries of separation between them, either by march-stones, pits, or other more regular, mural, or fossiform divisions; but nothing can be found or discovered by your petitioners, in any one of the said pretended organs characterizing the functions of the same. Thus, for instance, in what is called the organ of destructiveness, your petitioners are utterly unable to see any thing like cannon-balls, duck-shot, lancets, knives, or other cutting, destructive, and lethal weapons; in the organ of constructiveness, there appears nothing like clock-work, spinning-wheels, levers, screws, or any kind of machinery; not a • This was demonstrated in the clearest manner by one of the most eminent anatomists and physiologists in this city, during his course of lectures delivered in the summer of this present year, 1823. vestige of the impression of any coin or bank-note can be detected in the organ of acquisitiveness; nor any thing like the keys of a piano-forte, the stops of a flute, flageolet, or hautboy, or the strings of a violin, in the organ appropriated by these pretenders to music,-and so of the rest; from all which incontrovertible facts, it is perfectly manifest to your petitioners, and must be so to your Profundities, and all your liege subjects, that the whole is a mere absurd theory, resting on no solid foundation, utterly unworthy of any serious or attentive consideration, and one which, if it were to gain ground, would" throw disgrace upon the philosophy of this "enlightened age."* AGAINST ALL which monstrous errors, perverse machinations, very detestable and felonious innovations, and highlyinjurious and terribly-threatening consequences, your petitioners confidently apply to your Profundities for REMEDY and REDRESS. MAY IT THEREFORE PLEASE your Profundities to take Primo, To adjudge and declare, that the said F. J. Gall Secundo, To adjudge and declare, that the whole doc- Blackwood's Magazine, No. LXXII. p. 102. It is quite beneath the petitioners to take notice of the trifling inventions of gunpowder and printing, and latterly of lithography, to which Germany claims to have given birth, as these inventions are entirely of a low and mechanical nature, undeserving the attention of men of enlarged and general views, and indeed affording a complete proof that the genius of Germany is utterly mean and grovelling. said F. J. Gall and J. G. Spurzheim, are and shall be (without any examination, of which they are utterly unworthy) held to be unfounded, false, ridiculous, and absurd, and altogether such as, were they to gain ground, would be a disgrace, offence, insult, and scandal to this enlightened age;* and that this the adjudication and declaration of your Profundities shall be received and respected, throughout the whole of your extensive dominions, as a logically conclusive, and never-to-be-questioned refutation, of the said wicked, abominable, and malignant doctrines, now and in all time coming; and, for the more effectual extinction of the said unqualified piece of empiricism, may it please your Profundities to authorize your petitioners, and their successors, to raise the posse comitatus, and to require the aid and assistance of all your Profundities' peaceable, loyal, and able-bodied subjects, to lend the whole force of their lungs towards the utterly overwhelming and extinguishing the said wicked, abominable, and malignant doctrines, by laughing, hooting, bellowing, cursing, and roaring down any feeble attempts that may be made to support the same,—and to make it imperative on them to lay aside all peculiar and unnecessary delicacy, and on the contrary, to apply to the said F. J. Gall and J. G. Spurzheim, and their abominable empiricism, all the vituperative, contemptuous, opprobrious, and abusive epithets which can be found in their respective vocabularies: and in the meantime to adjudge and declare, that the said F. J. Gall and J. G. Spurzheim, and all their coadjutors, admirers, and followers, are Quacks, Empirics, Impostors, Hypocrites, German Illuminati, Crazy Sciolists, Abortions, Fools, Frenzied, and Infernal Idiots.† Blackwood's Magazine. + Edinburgh Review, No. XLIX. Rennel on Scepticism, Blackwood's Magazine, passim, Quarterly Review, No XXV. and Literary Gazette. B |