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culty, for want of bodily strength : And this was the last fams ily prayer that ever he made.
He had been wont, until now, frequently to ride out, two or three miles : But this week, on Thursday, was the last time he ever did so.
Lord's Day August 23.-This morning I was considerably refreshed with the thought, yea, the hope and expectation of the enlargement of Christ's kingdom ; and I could not but hope, the time was at hand, when Babylon the great would fall, and rise no more : This led me to some spiritual media tations, that were very refreshing to me. I was unable to at: tend public worship either part of the day ; but God was pleased to afford me fixedness and satisfaction in divine thoughts. Nothing so refreshes my soul, as when I can go to God, yea, to God iny exceeding joy. When he is so, sensibly, to my soul, O, how unspeakably delightful is this !
In the week past I had divers turns of inward refreshing ; though my body was inexpressibly weak, followed continually with agues and fevers. Sometimes my soul centered in God, as my only portion ; and I felt that I should be forever unhappy, if he did not reign : I saw the sweetness and hapo piness of being his subject, at his disposal : This made all my difficulties quickly vanish.
From this Lord's Day, viz. August 23, I was troubled very much with vapoury disorders, and could neither write nor tead, and could scarcely live ; although, through mercy, was not so much oppressed with heavy melancholy and gloomi. ness, as at many other times.
Until this week he had been wont to lodge in a room above stairs ; but he now grew so weak, that he was no longer able to go úp stairs and down ; Friday August 28, was the last time he ever went above stairs ; henceforward he betook him. self to a lower room.
On Wednesday, September 2, being the day of our public lecture, he seemed to be refreshed with seeing the neighbor. ing ministers that came hither to the lecture, and expressed a great desire once more to go to the house of God on that day : And accordingly rode to the meeting, and attended di
vine service while the Rey. Mr. Woodbridge of Hatfield preached. He signified that he supposed it to be the last time that ever he should attend the public worship ; as it proved. And indeed it was the last time that ever he went out at our gate alive.
On the Saturday evening next following, he was unexpectedly visited by his brother, Mr. John Brainerd, who came to see him from Newjersey. He was much refreshed by this unexpected visit, this brother being peculiarly dear to him ; and he seemed to rejoice in a devout and solemn manner, to see him, and to hear the comfortable tidings he brought concerning the state of his dear congregation of Christian In. dians : And a circumstance of this visit, that he was exceeding glad of, was, that his brother brought him some of his pris vate writings from Newjersey, and particularly his Diary that he had kept for many years past.
Lord's Day, September 6..... I began to read some of my private writings, which my brother brought me ; and was considerably refreshed, with what I met with in them.
Monday, September 7.....I proceeded farther in reading my old private writings, and found they had the same effect upon me as before : I could not but rejoice and bless God for what passed long ago, which without writing had been entire
This evening, when I was in great distress of body, my soul longed that God should be glorified : I saw there was no heaven but this. I could not but speak to the bystanders then of the only happiness, viz. pleasing God. Othat I could forever live to God! The day I trust, is at hand, the perfect day : 0, the day of deliverance from all sin !
Lord's Day, September 13.....I was much refreshed and engaged in meditation and writing, and found a heart to act for God. My spirits were refreshed, and my soul delighted to do something for God.
On the evening following that Lord's Day, his feet began to appear sensiby swelled ; which thenceforward swellcd more and more ; a symptom of his dissolution coming on.
VOL. III. 3 Q
The next day, his brother John left him, being obliged to return to Newjersey on some business of great importance and necessity ; intending to return again with all possible speed, hoping to see his brother yet once more in the land of the living.
On the Thursday of this week, September 17, was the last time that ever he went out of his lodging room.
That day, he was again visited by his brother Israel, who continued with him thenceforward until his death. On that evening, he was taken with something of a diarrhea ; which he looked upon as another sign of his approaching death : Whereupon he expressed himself thus ; O, the glorious time is now com. ing! I have longed to serve God perfectly : Now God will gratify those desires ! And from time to time, at the several steps and new symptoms of the sensible approach of his dissolution, he was so far from being sunk or damped, that he seemed to be animated, and made more cheerful ; as being glad at the appearances of death's approach. He often used the epithet, glorious, when speaking of the day of his death, calling it that glorious day. And as he saw his dissolution gradually approaching, he was much in talking about it, with perfect calmness speaking of a future state ; and also settling all his affairs, very particularly and minutely, giving directions concerning what he would have done in one respect and another after he was dead. And the nearer death approached, the more desirous he seemed to be of it. He several times spake of the different kinds of willingness to die ; and spoke of it as an ignoble, mean kind of willingness to die, to be willing to leave the body, only to get rid of pain ; or to go to heaven only to get honor and advancement there.
Saturday, September 19.....Near night, while I attempted to walk a little, my thoughts turned thus : How infinitely sweet it is, to love God, and be all for him! Upon which it was suggested to me, You are not an angel, not lively and ac. tive. To which my whole soul immediately replied, I as sincerely desire to love and glorify God, as any angel in heaven. Upon which it was suggested again, But you are filthy, not fit for heaven. Hereupon instantly appeared the blessed
robes of Christ's righteousness, which I could not but exult and triumph in ; and I viewed the infinite excellency of God, and my soul even broke with longings, that God should be glorified. I thought of dignity in heaven ; but instantly the thought returned, I do not go to heaven to get honor, but to give all possible glory and praise. O, how I longed that God should be glorified on earth also ! 0, I was made for eterni. ty, if God might be glorified ! Bodily pains I cared not for : Though I was then in extremity, I never felt easier ; I felt willing to glorify God in that state of bodily distress, as long as he pleased I should continue in it. The grave appeared really sweet, and I longed to lodge my weary bones in it : But O that God might be glorified! This was the burden of all my cry. O, I knew I should be active as an angel, in heaven ; and that I should be stripped of my filthy garments ! So that there was no objection. But O, 10 love and praise Çod more, to please him forever ! This my soul panted after, and even now pants for while I write. O that God might be glorified in the whole earth. Lord, let thy kingdom come. I longed for a spirit of preaching to descend and rest on ministers, that they might address the consciences of men with closeness and power. I saw God had the residue of the spirit; and my soul longed it should be poured from on high. I could not but plead with God for my dear congregation, that he would preserve it and not suffer his great name to lose its glory in that work : My soul still longing, that God might be glorified.
The extraordinary frame that he was in, that evening, could not be híd ; his mouth spake out of the abundance of his heart, expressing in a very affecting manner much the same things as are written in his Diary : And among very niany other extraordinary expressions, which he then uttered, were such as these ; my heaven is to please God, and to glorify him, and give all to him, and to be wholly devoted to his glory ; that is the heaven I long for ; that is my religion, and that is my happiness; and always was, ever since I suppose I had any true religion ; and all those that are of that religion, shall meet me in heaven. I do not go to heaven to be advanced, but to give honor to God. It is no matter where I shall be statione ed in heaven, whether I have a high or a low seat there ; but to love and please and glorify God is all : Had I a thousand souls, if they were worth any thing, I would give them all to God ; but I have nothing to give, when all is done. It is impossible for any rational creature to be happy without acting all for God : God himself could not make him happy any othe er way. I long to be in heaven, praising and glorifying God with the holy angels : All my desire is to glorify God. My heart goes out to the burying place ; it seems to me a desira. ble place : But ( to glorify God ; that is it ; that is above all. It is a great comfort to me, to think that I have done a little for God in the world : 0! it is but a very small matter ; yet I have done a little ; and I lament it, that I have not done more for him. There is nothing in the world worth living for, but doing good, and finishing God's work, doing the work that Christ did. I see nothing else in the world, that can yield any satisfaction, besides living to God, pleasing him, and doing his whole will. My greatest joy and comfort has been, to do something for promoting the interest of religion, and the souls of particular persons : And now in my illness, while I am full of pain and distress from day to day, all the comfort I have, is in being able to do some little char, or small piece of work for God, either by something that I say, or by writing, or some other way.
He intermingled with these and other like expressions, many pathetical counsels to those that were about him ; para ticularly to my children and servants. He applied himself to some of my younger children at this time ; calling them to him, and speaking to them one by one ; setting before them, in a very plain manner, the nature and essence of true piety, and its great importance and necessity ; carnestly warning them not to rest in any thing short of that true and thorough change of heart, and a life devoted to God; counselling them not to be slack in the great business of religion, nor in the least to delay it ; enforcing his counsels with this, that his words were the words of a dying man : Said he, I shall die here, and here I shall be buried, and here you will see my